The yoga instructor teaching the class I attended at the gym the other day made a great point. She said, "This is yoga PRACTICE- not yoga perfect or yoga competition."
I am sure all yoga instructors say that and I am sure I have heard that before, but it hit me.
I am having so much revelation from simple things that would be so easy to miss and I credit that to the power of my confession. Waking up every day and ASKING God to help me learn about health and confessing His Word is opening my eyes and ears to things I would normally not hear or see. Hebrews 4:12 says, "The Word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires." My confession sets my mind in the morning and I find myself searching for truth throughout my day as I pursue health.
Perfectionism has kept me from trying new things as for years my thinking has been, "If I can't do it perfectly I won't bother doing it at all."
Black or white. All or nothing.
No stamina or ability to push through failure.
Trying and perfectionism can work together against us- I would "try" something and not be successful right away so then stop.
Now eating and exercise are two areas I have done this, but it can be a lot bigger than the physical. For example, I have tried forgiving someone and it goes really well until I see them and have to spend time with them and then get offended by them then frustrated with myself then overwhelmed about the whole forgiveness thing then I get upset all over again then I end it by saying, oh well I tried.
Committing to creating a new habit does NOT mean achieving perfection in that area, in fact it is quite the opposite. It means persisting in repeating this new way of living again and again and again, especially when old habits slip in and when mistakes are made. It is having the awareness to catch yourself when reacting in an unhealthy way more quickly than you had the time before and make a change in the middle of a mistake.
As a teacher I know that mistakes are one of the best educators. This is true in the process of creating new habits so if you are expecting yourself to change over night and never revert to old ways you will be disappointed and discouraged.
While the intense just do it message is essential, there is also a place for grace. In order to successfully create new habits, you have to be patient and gracious with yourself and the process, having the ability to bounce back without getting swept off course by the mistake roller coaster of emotions.
Habits are reactions- they are things we do without mental energy to think about it. And to create new reactions we have to train ourselves. How do we train? By practicing the same thing again and again and again.
I have practiced asking God for help every day of this month, and I can honestly say that it is becoming more natural for me to speak out my confession in those moments when I need it most.
Keep practicing. The fruit of healthy habits is so worth it!
I have recently been asked by multiple people about my experience in gaining pregnancy weight considering my history with weight and body image that I shared in a post called From Darkness To Light. While I touched on this topic in my post whole again, I like this specific question because it gives me the opportunity to really dig deep and think about how I dealt with these changes from the enlightening perspective of hindsight.
While it was not easy there were things I was able to do before getting pregnant and throughout my pregnancy which made the changes in my body less of a shock to the entire system. So even though there were moments in which I struggled, I can honestly look back and say it was not very hard nor did I let it ruin even one day of my life giving experience of growing Eden inside my body. And I gained over 50 pounds!
1. I set my mind. Before getting pregnant I KNEW I was going to gain weight, I told myself I was going to gain weight, I made a decision that I was going to enjoy the process of gaining weight, and I expected my body to change. Expectations are powerful, and because I set my mind when my body started to change I was excited because I knew I was right on track to having a healthy baby! I can even confirm in hindsight how powerful expectations are because I was expecting to gain around 30 pounds and the first 30 were great, but it was once I crossed that threshold at month six that I started to struggle for the first time, having to push out my expectations and readjust my expectations to gain more weight than I had initially thought.
2. I chose to focus on the miracle of life-giving changes in my body rather than the losses. Growing a baby brings new life and also loss as my body was changing and potentially would never be the same again. I chose to focus on the LIFE that was coming through my body and the miracle that it was rather than the loss of my body as I knew it. And every time I was tempted to focus on the losses, I just turned my head to focus on the gift it is to bear life!
3. The desired outcome of labor for every family I know is healthy mom, healthy baby and I wanted to be healthy. Because I was underweight before getting pregnant due to stress and poor eating habits, I was determined to be a healthy mom so I could have a healthy baby. I let that desire to guide my eating habits as I had to start eating twice as much if not more in order for baby and I to both get the nutrients we needed. I already got into mama mode and would eat ANYTHING for the health of my baby, regardless of how I felt about it.
4. I quickly learned to not compare myself with anyone else. I know friends who have gained 20 pounds during their pregnancies and a few who were in the 50s like me. :) I know friends who had to get bigger pants at month 2 while some were teeny and cute and comfortable until month 7 or 8. I know some who struggled to gain weight while others who could not stop gaining. One thing I learned after Eden was born is not all pregnancy weight gain is fat. I mean obviously there is a baby and the placenta, but there is also FLUID. After having Eden, I had only lost like 12 pounds which was really discouraging to me as I assumed most of the rest of the weight was fat. However, I learned that much of my 50 pounds was fluid as I lost over 30 in my first two weeks postpartum. All of this to say- DO NOT COMPARE. Nothing good comes from comparing your body with anyone else's. And as I first time mom I found this especially difficult because I wanted to compare my body to make sure I was on track to have a healthy baby. But still, comparing did not give me any comfort.
5. I had incredible support. I am so blessed to have such wonderful accountability in my life. Most close friends and family know about my history and past struggles with weight, and many took it upon themselves to check in and make sure I was doing ok with the weight gain. I am thankful that they know me well enough and feel comfortable to speak into my life about a potentially challenging topic. Amongst those people, I asked a few specifically to check in with me throughout pregnancy and allowed myself to call and process with those few trustworthy souls who could handle my moments of struggle and fear as to what would come next for my body.
6. I prayed and trusted that God created my body to do this, that He was in control, and that this was going to restore my body to health. And it has been amazing to see my body recover and confirming that God is in control and the body really does know what to do during and after carrying a baby! It is an absolute miracle!
March 1, 2013
(the day we found out about Eden)
October 28, 2013
(just days before Eden was born)
January 25, 2014
(about 12 weeks after Eden was born)
Even though my body will not necessarily ever be the same as it was before, I am certainly amazed at its ability to recover. While I have been intention to exercise in the past 4 weeks, I have started very slowly. And although I have been eating a very balanced diet in the last 12 weeks, I have no means been "on a diet" since Eden has been born.
This recovery has been and will continue to be natural. God has made our bodies perfectly to bear life and also to recover. I would never put these pictures up for anyone to compare their experience with mine as everyone's body is so different, but just to illustrate how miraculously God has created our bodies!
While my body is certainly not perfect nor fully recovered, I will again reiterate my belief that babies do not ruin bodies but rather make them whole. And I can honestly say that I am happy with how my body looks considering 12 weeks ago I had Eden!
I hope this helps answer the questions I have received about gaining and now losing some of the pregnancy weight. It is quite a miraculous adventure and I am blessed to have been able to participate with Christ in the creation of the life of a beautiful little girl!
I need to back up a few steps and talk a little bit more about confession.
My goal this month is to ask God for help in my pursuit of health, and I have decided to start by writing a confession to pray and ask every single day of this year. While I have studied and therefore understand the power of this confession, I recognize that this concept may require a little more explanation.
Proverbs 18:21 teaches us that "The power of death and life is in the tongue." Our words have power as they affect our thoughts and attitude and behavior, and therefore SPEAKING something out of your mouth contains power. As I ponder my pursuit of health this year, I searched God's word for guidance and the result of what I found along with the desires of my heart this year is this confession. This confession is nothing more than a statement and prayer that asks and declares what I believe and desire for this year. I must again reiterate that if our confession will bear fruit, it MUST be backed by God's Word.
Lord please restore my health this year.
I can't do it without you.
I release the control of my body to you.
I recognize that it is not by will nor might but by your spirit that I will see health.
Give me patience as I wait for you to act and help me not to labor in vain.
John 15:5 - Zech 4:6 - Psalm 37:7 - Psalm 127:1
I was taught to speak a confession as consistently as I would take medicine. Just like I take my prenatal vitamin every morning for the health of my body and Eden, I also speak this confession every day for the health of my entire being. The practice of opening my mouth every day and declaring this statement has power and will produce fruit in my life. It aligns with the reality that just as in the story of Abraham, we too can "call those things that are not as though they are." It is a great way to start my day because while it kick starts my focus on making healthy choices, it also reminds me that I can do NOTHING apart from God.
I initially created this habit way back last July when creating new habits for our family. This post also contains further details about the concept of confession.
I took some time to refocus last night. Taking some time as a mom now means thinking for 4 minutes straight during my shower while dad is playing with Eden. In my refocusing time, it became clear to me that I have gotten off track as my posts have not remained in the realm of my monthly habit for January: confession. I am not surprised to have gotten off track because my new life is full of wonderful and constant distractions to my thought life in the form of waking up, crying, nursing, diaper changing, and beyond.
It is easy to get distracted and important to take time to specifically check in and refocus.
The more I think about and study health, the broader and broader this topic becomes as I can almost link any given topic to health. So while this started as a "simple" task of studying health for this year, I can now see how HUGE holistic health can be- and it is actually kind of overwhelming as I find myself frantically searching for clarity in the huge sea of potential topics to study under the umbrella of health.
So I come back to my goal and refocus on my confession.
Lord please restore my health this year.
I can't do it without you.
I release the control of my body to you.
I recognize that it is not by will nor might but by your spirit that I will see health.
Give me patience as I wait for you to act and help me not to labor in vain.
John 15:5 - Zech 4:6 - Psalm 37:7 - Psalm 127:1
I have been diligently confessing this statement, just not writing about it specifically. The more I speak out and meditate on these ideas, the more I recognize that I cannot do anything without Christ. This whole entire year long pursuit of health will be WORTHLESS if I forget this truth and forget to invite God into this adventure.
More than I want to be healthy, I want to honor God by bearing fruit in my life.
And I am convinced that fruit will come through health.
So I will continue to create the habit of asking for help each day of this new year.
My writing is typically spiritual, so this is new for me to write about topics that have practical content. It feels strange to not back everything with God's Word since that is normally where I find confidence to write. As I check myself to make sure what I am writing is truth, I recognize that practical health education demands wisdom and wisdom is spiritual.
So as I ask God for help in my pursuit of health this year, I am thankful to learn from the wisdom and education of others who are much smarter than me and who have done extensive studying and research on pillars of healthy lives.
Dr. Don Colbert is one man in particular whom I have found much direction from as he has broken down holistic health into 7 simple pillars.
1. Water- drink 1/2 of your body weight in ounces of water
2. Sleep 7-8 hours a night
3. Eat living foods and not dead foods
4. Exercise- move your body every day
5. Detoxify- sweat to release toxins in your body
6. Take supplements- foods today are lacking basic nutrients we need to be healthy
7. Cope with stress
Some of these pillars foreshadow topics and habits I will pursue in other months, but I like having the overview at the beginning of this road so I can already start implementing these healthy habits into my life.
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have recieved from God? You are not your own, you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
In the middle of my yoga practice the other day I got really overwhelmed, letting my mind wander to think about how many classes I could have to come to before I would actually see and feel results in my body. This was a really bad thought habit I picked up during my years of destroying my body through overexercise and under eating.
But here, during yoga, I had a great breakthrough:
The purpose of exercise is not to lose weight. It is not to look good. It is not about tangible results. It is health.
Therefore I could walk out of the studio today and know that I had accomplished my goal. My personal goal and reason for implementing exercise back into my life is not to lose weight or burn a certain number of calories or run a certain number of miles or look better or tone my muscle or fit into my pre-baby pants, my goal is health.
I want to be healthy for myself. For God. For my family.
And I made a healthy choice and am healthier today for it.
I will continue to confess my statement for the year and ask God for help as I renew my mind to truth.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2
The other day when I was trying to feed Eden she was screaming like she was in so much pain. For the life of me I could not figure out what was wrong. She had just woken up from an awesome nap. I had just changed her diaper and was attempting to feed but she was not interested. Hm.
Then I heard it- rumblings in her tummy and spilling out into her diaper. She was having major indigestion. My mind immediately started spinning as I frantically wondered what I could have eaten in the past 24 hours that would cause such pain to my daughter.
The reality that through the miraculous gift of nursing my daughter eats what I eat is the perfect accountability for me to be making healthy choices with what I put into my mouth.
If not for my own benefit, I want to be healthy for Eden's sake.
This is true in other ways as I ponder holistic health. I want to have healthy thoughts, healthy emotions, healthy finances, healthy communication, and healthy relationships for Eden's sake also.
While most parents would never intentionally hurt their children, I bet I am not the only one that unintentionally caused harm by indirectly not making healthy choices in my own life. My experience with nursing is the perfect example; I would never intentionally hurt Eden, but then I remembered I ate something the day before and she was digesting that.
And Eden was in pain.
Because of me.
I need to have better awareness as to how my choices affect her.
I teach first grade and always find it fascinating at the first parent teacher conferences as I recognize that kids model after what their parents do, not necessarily what they say. Usually by the end of our conference I have learned so much more about why that particular child acts the way they do.
For example, there is nothing more entertaining than to see a disheveled parent come rushing in late, frantically scrambling to find a pen in their purse, and then in the middle of the conference reprimand their child for not being more organized in school.
Often times the apple really does not fall far from the tree because kids are watching their parents' every move; they model the behavior of their parents and are effected by their parents choices.
While there is no such thing as a "perfect parent," it is a wonderful goal to strive to be a healthy parent by making healthy choices.
We could all give more thought to what we say, how we treat others, what we eat, how we communicate, how we spend our time and money, and what kind of general behaviors we are modeling to those around us.
If not for ourselves, let's pursue a healthy lifestyle for the benefit of our kids.
One thing to know about me is I am a bit frugal. I do not say that with pride nor shame, just stating it as a fact.
My husband and I have an interesting financial history in connection with the many life changes we have endured. In the past 3 1/2 years we have climbed our way out of over $65,000 worth of debt, with $5,000 to go until we are officially debt free! I will add that for 18 months of this journey my husband was unemployed and we were living on one income.
Let's just say we have had to be frugal during recent years in order to have such incredible fruit. We can almost taste a debt free life and are motivated in every purchase at the thought of such financial peace and freedom! Financial health is a MAJOR part of holistic health.
However, in my pursuit of health this year, there is one area of our budget that I am going to open the bank account a little wider for this year and give myself permission to spend and that is health.
Health is an investment and it costs money. While it seems to cost more money than an unhealthy lifestyle, I am not sure this is true.
Healthy foods, gym memberships, chiropractor and massage appointments, books and study tools to learn about health. These all cost.
While many people argue that eating healthy is not more expensive, lets just say for arguments sake that it IS more expensive than eating unhealthy and my thought is this: what you save in money you risk losing in time. Would I rather pay now in these minor ways or later in medical bills or heaven forbid TIME?
Health adds years to your life. We are so thankful Eden still has so many great grandparents who are still alive! My husband and I want to be around to know Eden's kids and Eden's kid's kids. It is worth the investment which is why I have given myself permission to spend money on health related needs this year.
And I refuse to feel guilty.
This is yet another area of life that I will ask God for help in prioritizing how to spend money and having all of our needs met.
The enemy of taking action to create new habits is the excuse, "I am trying." I know because I have used this excuse for years. This is what I had to tell myself:
Stop trying. Stop trying to eat healthier and exercise more and sleep more and drink more water. Stop trying to eat less desserts and more fruit. Stop trying to be less stressed at work. Stop trying to be less negative and gossip less. Stop trying to forgive. Stop trying to be more patient. Stop trying to read the Word more. Just Do It.
Whatever habit you have been trying to create for weeks or months or even years, just buckle down, tighten the reigns, and do it in 2014. You are in control of your mind and your choices. Set your mind and keep it set.
When we commit to trying we give the enemy and ourselves an open door to an easy way out.
Decide when you get up in the morning what kinds of choices you will make throughout the day and stick to those choices.
Here are a few examples of how this might play out:
Don't wait until after work to decide if you are going to exercise, decide in the morning, plan your day around it and then DO IT.
Don't wait until it is 9:30 to decide what time you are going to go to bed, just make a commitment and stick to it.
Don't wait until you get to the grocery story to decide what to buy, but make a plan and a list.
If you are going to be spending time with a negative influence, make a decision that you are not going to join them in negativity.
Don't wait until you are in the emotion of an experience to decide. Set your mind ahead of time and keep it set.
When we really want something, we don't take no for an answer. Treat your health like that this year in whatever healthy habits you are trying to create. When your emotions and flesh are screaming NO, refuse to listen.
I was able to put this into practice a few weeks ago just days before Christmas when I had to drop off a few packages at the post office.
Has anyone ever been to the post office just days before Christmas? It is insane.
I was especially familiar with the insanity this year because I had made three previous attempts to send these packages and every time I drove up and saw the line out the door I immediately turned back toward home. But I had to do it. So finally one morning I woke up determined to send those packages and I made a choice.
While lying in bed, before my day began I made a choice. I said out loud: "I am going to go to the post office today. It is going to be insane. I am going to wait for a long time. I am not going to get frustrated or impatient."
Sure enough, just a few hours later when I pulled into the post office parking lot the line was long and the tension was high, but I did it. I was the only person in that room with a smile on my face, but I did it. I was relaxed and friendly. I may have even calmed a few other people down around me.
All because I made a choice that morning. I set my mind and kept it set throughout the experience. And to be honest it wasn't that bad. I waited for about an hour and I was calm the entire time.
Another way I have put this into practice in through grocery shopping habits. It was a life changing thought for me that I will eat what I have in my kitchen. If I don't want to eat it, I need to stop buying it.
I used to always use the excuse that I was buying it for my husband or our friends that come over often, and I finally realized that I am the one who ends up eating most of it anyways. I love having people over to our home and host quite often. I typically like to put peanut butter M&Ms, my favorite indulgence, in a dish in our living room. And most times after a group of people have come to visit the dish is empty by the end of the night. I recently had a group of people over who come to our house consistently and this time instead of M&Ms I put out a plate of celery and carrots, and wouldn't you believe that plate was empty by the end of the night and NO ONE SAID A WORD.
No one asked for M&Ms. No one really cared.
And I realized that we just eat what we have in front of us. And I can stop buying the junk and start buying healthier foods. Not to lose weight but to be healthy.
Set your mind and keep it set. If you are serious about living a healthy life this year, just do it. While it sounds easier to say than to do, it is possible and it is your choice.
John 5 tells a story about a man that asked for healing. This man had been ill for 38 years. 38 years!
Jesus questioned this man and asked him, "Do you really want to be well?" This man may have gotten offended by such a simple question as in his mind of course he wanted to be well, but Jesus is asking so much more.
"Are you willing to do whatever it takes to be well?"
At the man's response Jesus said, "Pick up your mat and walk."
Just do it.
Stop trying and set your mind and do it. And don't forget to ask God for help.
One of my goals is to write shorter posts this year.
Here goes.
I just had a major breakthrough from reading a comment left on my post January: Ask God For Help that can be summarized in one sentence:
Health, even physical health, is NOT about what your body looks like.
Now reading that may not be a mind blowing experience for you as it might seem too simple, but this struck a cord with me as I realized that for years and years I have made the mistake of connecting looks and health as synonymous.
The second breakthrough comes from an amazing blog post entitled "Babies Ruin Bodies." Please please please read this post. I will not attempt to rewrite what this woman has so beautifully written to describe the incredible gift it is to bear life. My favorite part is the last sentence.
"If anything, I was ruined by the world before I knew [Eden], and she made me whole again."
This idea, that babies do not in fact ruin our bodies but make them whole, rings true in the story of my life From Darkness To Light. While I had lived in destruction for years and my body was "ruined" by my own poor choices and distorted understanding of health and beauty presented to me by this fallen world, I was stuck thinking health was only displayed in how my body looked. However I truly believe growing and birthing Eden has and will continue to make me holistically healthy and whole again.
And not only is my body being made whole, but also my mind and understanding of beauty.
I can already see the manifestation of my confession in my mental health through the incredible wisdom of monkeytoes who left such a remarkable comment.
Speaking of comments, if you do have a thought please leave it as I would be blessed by your responses to the many thoughts running through my head.
John 8:32 says, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you FREE." I already feel one step closer to freedom, only 14 days into this 365 day pursuit.
After being on the fence about such a decision for the last 5 years, I finally did it. And it feels great.
Here are my reasons for joining:
1. Kickstart this pursuit of health and get back into the routine of physical activity. I think the hardest part about creating any new habit is starting. I joined the gym for a temporary period of time and am committing to going for the next three months. Even though this is not going to be a lifestyle activity and gym membership that I will implement into my life indefinitely, I joined just to be motivated enough to get started. Paying for the membership is a great motivator for me, and that 12 times a month health insurance benefit will also motivate me to get there three times a week for the next three months. As hard as it is to leave Eden, it is so worth it and the fruit will benefit our entire family as I am a better mom and wife and friend when I am holistically healthy.
2. Babies. I was unfortunately not active AT ALL before getting pregnant with Eden and it really limited my ability to be active during pregnancy. I believe it also made my pregnancy and recovery much more difficult. The general rule of thumb is that during pregnancy you can continue exercising to the extent and in the ways you were before getting pregnant. Unfortunately this meant I could do very little.
While walking was a great option for me, it was basically the only option. I started out my pregnancy very weak which I believe made it much harder throughout those nine months and labor. Even now I am struggling to carry the carseat and nurse as I have little muscle to work with. My goal is to rebuild the muscles that were moved and shifted and worked during this past year and prepare to do it again! While we are not thinking of baby #2 anytime soon, I would love to have a lot of time to slowly recover and rebuild so that in the right timing for Eden to have a little brother or sister I am stronger and more prepared for such a task.
3. Reset my relationship with exercise. Because of my history with overexercising, my relationship with this task is a bit skewed and I have always had a negative attitude about working out because my only experience with it was destructive. I hope to reset this relationship with being active so that I can model to my family how to live an active lifestyle and take care of our bodies. I hope to do this through trying new things, learning more about exercise, taking fun classes, working out with friends and family, and really learning to enjoy physical activity.
I am excited to exercise again and will be diligent in this commitment to going three times a week for three months. And I will continue to consistently confess what I believe and ask God for help, knowing only He can bring full restoration to my entire being. I will do my part and trust Him to do the rest.
I have always heard labor is the most painful experience most women will go through in their lives. My labor was certainly painful as I recall telling my husband the entire time that I was going to die. :) After I survived and was able to hold my sweet baby girl I naively assumed the worst was behind me, and since then labor has become one of my fondest memories as it ended with the night I met Eden Jane Vavra.
And I really can't wait to do it again!
While it was physically painful it was wonderful in every other way.
The other day, however, I had the most horrific experience in my life which was astronomically worse than labor- seeing my sweet, happy, smiling, innocent, pure, beloved daughter get three needles stabbed into her thighs and medicine injected into her body.
It was literally a nightmare.
I just cannot get the look on her face when they injected her out of my mind as it was Eden's first real exposure to pain and her initiation to the sinful nature of this world. For me as a mom it was my first realization that my daughter is going to be exposed to this foul, fallen world and there is nothing I can do to protect her from it. Disease. Dirt. Pain. Rejection. Skinned knees. Maliciousness. Injuries. Cuts. Bruises. Lonliness. Fear. Sadness. Heartbreak. Selfishness.
I could weep all over again just thinking about it.
This is holistic pain.
Physical pain as watching her HURT my entire body. Mental pain as I felt guilty, like I should have asked the doctor more questions and made sure each and every immunization was absolutely essential. Emotional pain as my heart was ripped into two pieces through watching my daughter hurt. Spiritual pain (if that is really something) as for the first time in my life I saw the gospel from a different angle as I pondered what God the Father must have experienced when He sent His Son to live in this filthy and fallen world to DIE. For me. Yuck. And I do not mean to confine God to the human experience or emotions of a human, but for a Father to make such a sacrifice I cannot imagine.
As excruciating as this experience was, I see it as a direct response the habit I am creating this month: asking God for help, as this pain experience is a piece of my restoration and it will bear fruit. My disordered eating effected a lot more than just the percentage of my body fat, it affected my whole being including my mind and emotions, basically shutting down all feelings.
Loving Eden so much is actually resetting those emotions, restoring my emotional health, and producing fruit in my life.
Just like in the body when a bone is broken it must first be reset before it can heal, this experience and this incredible love I feel for Eden is resetting my emotions so I can fully heal from the events of the past and enjoy the fullness of life God has given us through emoting. While it is painful as I see it like ripping my heart deeper than it has ever been ripped before, it is for the good of resetting and healing so I can have a healthier life. Pain can actually produce incredible fruit.
It is also resetting my mind to the truth that even though I cannot protect Eden from pain in this life, God can. He can protect her from it and comfort her in it in a way I will never be able to. And I am once again forced to trust Him.
Fortunately I have already learned that He is trustworthy. He is good. He is faithful. He is loving and He is a Father and loves my precious Eden more than I could ever fathom.
So this worse than labor experience is really an answer to my prayers and another step closer to the health I seek.
When I started this blog about a year ago I was not sure what would come of it. While it initially started as a testimony and space to document a fresh start in the life of our family it has morphed into less of a narrative story and more of an account of my experience in creating new healthy habits.
In recent years writing has become an outlet for my healing and writing in a blog was an easy way to archive my many thoughts. I had not put much time or thought into advertising this blog beyond mentioning it to close friends and family. Then just about 48 hours ago my friend Amber asked if she could advertise my blog through hers, mommysmetime and I thought, why not?!
So for fun I also posted a link on facebook and I sit here today amazed that 2 days later I have had an overwhelming amount of people checking out the blog, commenting on posts, writing messages and contacting me with ideas and encouragement and support!!!
The incredible amount of interest is so exciting and motivating me to take this blogging more seriously, so I have already changed the title and look as well as honed in on a focus.
So thank you everyone who is reading this and please continue to come and see what God is teaching me as I pursue health this year. I would love for you to join me in learning about health as I take on this challenge of creating 12 new healthy habits in 2014.
I am very passionate about CHOICE and amazed that God has given us this incredible gift. I am convinced that we choose the kind of life we want to live by the habits we create. And I spent 2013 choosing to create intentional habits that would bear fruit in my life and the life of our family.
And it worked.
I look back and read through old posts and ponder the changes in our lives over this past year and it is astonishing what God has done and the incredible fruit we now enjoy. In one year.
My husband's job which led to an apprenticeship which led to a new education and career.
Health insurance coverage.
My healthy pregnancy and our beautiful baby girl Eden.
More friendships and support than we could have ever asked for or imagined.
Continual financial restoration.
Joy. Freedom. Grace. Laughter.
Life.
While we do not take the credit for this fruit but rather point all of the glory to God, we do acknowledge that just as in the experience of planting a garden, we have a role and God has a role. We plant, water, weed, and position for sunlight while GOD does the miraculous.
There is a biblical principle of seedtime and harvest which says that we will reap what we sow. (Galatians 6:7-9) We were intentional to sow LIFE in 2013 after a year of loss and pain in 2012 and are now reaping the incredible fruit at the miraculous and gracious hand of God.
I like this and want to continue this pursuit in 2014.
John 15:8 says, "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." NLT words the same verse this way: "When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father."
The deepest desire of my heart is to glorify our Heavenly Father, and if bearing fruit glorifies Him than I want to continue my pursuit of fruit. So this blog that started as a new book now has a new title which shares our new goal and desire- the pursuit of fruit.
Goal: I plan to start off this new year of health by giving the weight of my desire to be healthy to God. I refuse the carry the burden of changing my body, but will rather make life giving choices that are in my control while TRUSTING God to do the rest.
I look back and recognize that in my previous pursuit of health I have been very black and white- all or nothing. I got very motivated and then really extreme with working out every day, eating only healthy foods, and wanting to see immediate results. I am learning that health is a two-fold, there is a part of my health that I can control and the rest of it which is only under the hand and power of God. I will make healthy choices and leave the rest up to Him, trusting Him and resting in Him throughout this process. I refuse the carry the yoke of health but rather invite God into this experience, knowing it is ONLY through my Healer that I can be holistically healthy and healed from the mistakes of my past.
Habit: I love making goals and resolutions and plans, and I realized how quickly I forget to invite God into my goals. I will directly invite Him into this experience each and every day. I wrote a statement that I will confess each day of this year. My hope is to confess and meditate on this statement at least once each day whether that is in the morning before getting out of bed, before each meal and work-out, mid-day, or at night before bed. I put it as the background of my phone, printed it out to have in my wallet, on my mirror, by my nightstand, and in my car. This confession is based on the word of God and it is the deepest desire of my heart.
Lord please restore my health this year.
I can't do it without you.
I release the control of my body to you.
I recognize that it is not by will nor might but by your spirit that I will see health.
Give me patience as I wait for you to act and help me not to labor in vain.
John 15:5 - Zech 4:6 - Psalm 37:7 - Psalm 127:1
Challenge: I invite you to join me in asking God to carry the heavy burden of your health this year as you partner with Him to become healthy. Whether it is mental health, physical health, emotional health, spiritual health, relational health, or all of the above- ASK God to help. Matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."
My story begins around middle school, when fad diets and friday night dances were motivating me to try to look good, fit in, and be asked to dance by one of those equally as awkward looking and geeky boys. I developed early, and at fifth grade and 5’4” was a “bigger” girl, at least in my own mind. I think I had hips and “curves” if you can call them that, but wanted that sleek, thin look that I saw on TV and in the People magazines I compulsively read. I spent those middle school years on yo-yo diets, on one week and off the next, with no basic understanding of health but just the desire to eat vegetables and fruit only, and when that got old it was back to cookies and crap as my hormones and hunger was setting in, my hips were expanding, and my heart was latching onto this dream of having the “look,” whatever that means? I wanted to not only look perfect, but holistically to be perfect. Perfect body, perfect grades, perfect friendships, perfect environment, and beyond. I wanted perfection in every area of my life and felt out of control when things were not perfect. In hindsight I can see that this desire for perfection and ultimately control were the major driving forces that led me to this lifestyle of destruction.
This continued throughout those middle school years, and climaxed in eighth grade when my low self-esteem, perfectionism, and poor body image reached an ultimate high, or low for that matter. I had gotten my first B in school and I had been rejected yet again at another event and was of course best friends with the pretty girls. I had come to hate myself and my life. I did not find joy in anything, in fact I had forgotten how to enjoy life. I didn’t laugh, I faked smiles, and was ready to end my life once and for all. The tempting thoughts of suicide were ever present, and while I never would have taken my life I desperately wanted to and dreamed about such a sweet release into eternity with my Savior. My relationship with Jesus was certainly not alive as noted by the lack of fruit in my life, but I knew who He was, I knew He loved me, and I knew He was good.
I honestly do not remember how I got out of my suicidal state, maybe I blocked those months of my life out completely, but somehow I did and the move from middle school to high school was surprisingly fresh as life felt new and even somewhat exciting. It was the fall of my freshman year, and I was absolutely floored and amazed to have been asked to the Homecoming dance by a JUNIOR! It was my first boost of confidence and a very life-giving experience to have been “chosen” for such an occasion. I immediately started looking for the perfect dress and landed on a beautiful royal blue, very fitted, long dress. In hindsight I can see that the fit of this dress was the beginning of my innocent pursuit of weight loss.
While fad dieting was nothing new for me, I had never been able to stick to a diet of any kind. However, this desire to “look good in my new dress” was just enough of a motivator to kick start the beginning of my descent into the pit of disordered eating. What always shocks me is how innocently this journey began. I was a smart girl, and although somewhat brainwashed by the incessant images of unrealistically thin women in the media, I had a good head on my shoulders and excellent models of health at home and knew better than to become anorexic. I did not decide one day that I was going to pursue this awful lifestyle, but rather slipped into it slowly and unaware until it will too late and I was in over my head. I often refer to the slow process of a snowball effect, it started so small and was soon compounding out of control.
It started with eating less at lunch, while my parents were not around. That transitioned into skipping lunch all together. Meanwhile I was slimming up just a bit and friends and family were noticing the changes in my body and complimenting me as some of those extra pounds I had put on during those awkward middle school years were shedding and I was turning out to be a decent looking young woman. These comments and compliments were motivating, causing me to eat less and less. The homecoming dance came and went, and instead of returning to my normal eating habits I rather enjoyed this new little hobby I had and continued skipping lunch, but also adding a smaller supper. My stomach was shrinking and my motivation to lose more weight was growing. It was easy to tell my parents I had a big lunch and was not very hungry while also telling my friends I was going to have a big meal at home that evening. Lying and secrecy were the marks of the unhealthy lifestyle I was living and I can now see the threshold of when my innocent diet to lose a few pounds turned into an addiction which later turned into an obsessive monster.
To spare the details, this snowball grew bigger and bigger each month. By the time winter came I was getting to the point of looking unhealthy, but it was easy to hide in baggy winter clothes. My pants were all falling off my slender sides and the basketball workouts were really wearing me out as I had little energy to run killers and practice drills when I had not eaten all day. Around winter time I remember skipping lunch and dinner most days, completely withdrawing from all friendships at school and relationships at home to pursue this new obsession that had overtaken my mind. I thought about food constantly, just never ate it. More than losing weight, I loved the feeling of being in control.
I also developed this black and white thinking about foods and only ate foods that felt safe to me, that I believed would not cause me to gain weight. For example: Carrots- good. Cookies- bad. Celery- good. Chips- bad. Those are more obvious ones, but then somehow my mind separated every single food into these good and bad categories. Good and safe foods for me were fruits and vegetables and cereal. Those were the only foods I felt ok eating. Everything was bad and harmful and destructive in my mind. I remember after the new year I was at my lowest and eating the least that I ever had, I remember a two week span in which I think all I ate was carrots. I don’t know that I was truly “anorexic” because most days I ate something, but I certainly was unhealthy in every way- physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I even remember waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night after having a nightmare that I had eaten a bagel. I became gripped with fear that I would gain the weight back and my obsession with weight and image grew stronger and stronger. I remember the rational side of my brain, which was now only a teeny part of my decision making process, recognized how unhealthy I was, but I ignored reason and jumped fully into this addiction.
In February of that Freshman year I remember that for lent I decided to fast from ALL unhealthy foods- fats and sugars and pop and really anything in my “bad” list. Now I had an excuse as to why I was so picky with my eating. I am ashamed to share that I misused a God given tool such as fasting, but I did and it worked as I kept losing more weight. I think I plateued somewhere during this 40 day fast, and while my weight stayed the same it was certainly unhealthy. I really did not have any more fat to lose. I transitioned into eating three meals a day again, they were just extremely small. I knew all of the tricks to make it look like I had eaten more than I had. Taking very small portions, moving food around on my plate, taking teeny teeny bites, keeping food in my mouth and walking to the bathroom to spit it out. On that note, I was never bulimic only because I couldn’t figure out how to make myself throw up. I tried and tried, but can see the miracle it was that I physiologically could not do it. I also remember lying a lot. Lying became second nature to me.
When basketball season ended, I implemented working out into my daily lifestyle. I played volleyball and basketball and so this was the first time during my obsessive state that I was not consistently moving my body and decided to start exersicing at the YMCA. I would go every day after school, and this only added to my unhealthy thinking and body. I became obsessed with the numbers as I would work out on all of those different machines. 45 minutes here. 300 calories. 3 miles. 30 minutes. Miles. Calories. Minutes. I would stare at those numbers during my entire 90 minute workout and I was slowly slipping into madness. My perfectionism increased as I could never work out long or hard enough to satisfy my hunger for this obsessive desire to lose more weight. 1 more mile. 10 more minutes. 100 more calories. I pushed myself beyond my limits day after day after day.
By now people were obviously noticing the negative effects, so I broke every relationship that I could and put up walls with every single person I could not shake, namely my family. People would try to talk to me about my body and I refused. I lied, I pretended to smile, I faked it, and I was good.
Meanwhile I was a very successful student and involved in every club imaginable- planning events and making more surfacy connections at school as a twisted means of my secrecy. While my social life was seeming to increase on the surface, it was secretly decreasing the more I withdrew and hid my true self from these “new friends.” I knew a lot of people, but never let anyone truly know me or the pain I was in as I isolated myself from the world to remain locked in a prison of my own sin. My relationship with Jesus was non-existent, never a part of my thinking or decision making. I was stuck in a pit and this snowball that had started so small and innocently was crushing me from the inside out.
All spring I continued this daily routine of eating three small meals and working out. Finally summer came and I decided to get out of my house to get my parents off my back about my weight. I spent a few weeks in Oregon and others in Minneapolis with family, never staying anywhere long enough for my loved ones to catch on to my unhealthy eating habits. I again was extremely successful at faking my way into looking good and healthy while secretly continuing to destroy my body.
Fall of my sophomore year brought a few months of the same behavior and then in early November FINALLY the breakthrough I needed. It had been a little over a year since my Homecoming incident. I will never forget the night my life changed forever, in every way. I was reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and the first line read, “It is not about you.” That was it. That was all my spirit needed to hear in order to turn away from such a terribly selfish lifestyle. As I write I recognize that it is only because of the grace of God that He spoke to me that night and reached down and pulled me out of this pit of sin. Ephesians 2:8-10 comes to mind, "For it is by grace that you have been saved- through faith. THis is not from yourself, it is the gift of God- not by works, so no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." I look back and see that God has good plans for my life and I was so off the path towards these plans. "He reached down from heaven and rescued me. He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety. He rescued me because he delights in me. " Psalm 18:16-19. This was the first time I had ever heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, and in a very gentle but firm voice I heard and felt and saw the reality of how selfish I was. My conviction and desire to change came from a revelation as to how selfish my lifestyle had become. It did not start with a desire to get healthy, it started with a gentle invitation and desire to stop thinking about just me because the self-absorption it takes to maintain an eating disorder is sickening.
I remember weeping, for the first time in years because the depression, suicidal thoughts, and eating disorder had blocked my emotions and caused me to put a chain on any feeling I had. But I wept, and it was the first sign of light after years of living in darkness. And that was the night I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I had hit rock bottom. I had nothing to live for but some stupid image I saw on TV, and I was finally ready to let it go, to give up my unattainable pursuit, and to let God be my everything.
This was 13 years ago now, and I have been healing from these mistakes and choices ever since. I believe this year is the final cherry on top of my healing experience.
That same night, I went and confessed to my mom that I had a problem and wanted to get help. The next day I saw a therapist, a nutritionist, and a dr. These appointments continued. I also started getting involved. After such a strong conviction about my self obsession, I had to get outside of myself. Within the first week I started coaching 4th and 5th grade basketball, leading a small group for jr. high girls, and volunteering at an after school program at my old elementary school. I was so sick of myself and had to get my mind on helping other people. This was a huge part of my healing.
I ended up going to therapy for around 18 months, trying to reset my brain as to how I looked. It was presented to me that I had a distorted body image as I was lacking a certain chemical in my brain due to the lack of nutrients I was giving myself. So while others would see the body size 0 waist I had, I saw a chubby girl with fat sides and a big round chipmunk face. I literally saw something different when I looked in the mirror, and my therapist and I spent months resetting my mind to the truth about the way I looked and then the truth about what was healthy for me.
I also went to a regular doctor to check things out as I was obviously too thin. I had not had a menstral cycle in over a year, which is always a sign that things are not healthy. I was informed that my muscle and bone density was extremely low because I had no fat left on my body so when I would not eat or over-exercise my body started the process of eating away at the muscles and bones. I am again thankful I stopped when I did because while it was very unhealthy I prevented things from getting any worse and thankfully was not at a point of needing hospitalization. Looking back my body had gone through the following weight changes during the progression of my eating disorder. During the fall of my freshman year I weight around 125 and at my lowest point weighed around 100. From what I can remember, in health class we were learned about BMI and took our body fat percentage and in the beginning of the fall it was 35% and by the end of the semester was down to 12%.
While my body had been through a lot, my mind was in much worse condition.
My nutritionist helped me set goals for a healthy weight and get there. My mom, nutritionist, and I all decided that it was best for me not to see my weight, so she would also weigh me backwards so I could not see the numbers. While this was 13 years ago I kept this routine until last year when I was getting weighed consistently during my pregnancy. I always had a hunch my healthy weight was around 125.
I saw this nutritionist for months and she helped me stick to my goals. I had to break down this black and white thinking where I could understand again that all food is good, just in moderation. This took years and years of hard work. I remember during our first appointment she asked me what I enjoyed eating, and after much thought I answered “ice cream.” I had to take off the filter of black and white thinking I had lived with for so long and really ask myself what I enjoyed again. She challenged me to eat 1/2 cup of ice cream a day as a starting point and I did it. It was so indescribably painful; I would weep every single time for those first weeks and months, but I did it. Every appointment we added another food and this process was long and lengthy, but I took her challenges and did the hard work I needed to do to gain weight.
I finally wanted to be well.
During these initial weeks of transition from darkness to light, my relationship with Jesus was growing every single day. Eating ice cream and talking about my feelings was painful and vulnerable and scary. Because I had blocked out everyone in my life I felt very alone, but in that place I learned about the precious friendship that we have with Jesus and the intimacy that is available to us with the Holy Spirit. I was also given my first vision.
I specially remember sitting in my room and praying one night in that first week of my recovery. I was praying about my body as I grieved the loss of my dream “look.” And while I was praying, I saw myself. Healthy. Free. Smiling. Beautiful. To this day I will never forget that vision and how I looked. I had a red hooded sweatshirt on and jeans that FIT. I had a healthy, round face, and the most beautiful, curly red hair I had ever seen. To preface I had never liked my red hair, but in this vision it was beautiful and it was CURLY. I had also never had curly hair before. As I prayed through what this vision meant I remember praying, “Lord, that woman is beautiful but that is not me.” And I remember hearing a response, not audibly but deep within my soul. This voice said, “If you obey and gain the weight you need to gain and do what the doctors are asking you to do, this will be you.” And I can testify that after ONE YEAR of obedience, one incredibly excruciatingly painful year of giving up everything I held dear, every dream and desire I had for my body, every comfort, every unhealthy thought pattern, that my hair started to curl.
To this day my hair is a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness, grace, and mercy.
While my battle and healing was not complete after that one year, it was significantly better and this snowball that used to be destructive was now forming around healthier habits and pursuits. Jesus Christ became my everything and my desire to know Him and grow in Him replaced my obsession with my body.
This has been an ongoing process of healing, and I honestly believe I am at the final stages as I pursue health once again this year. God is my Restorer and my Healer. He is my only Hope. He is Enough. And He is good.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
These are some images I could find of me during my freshman year of high school, when my weight was dropping quickly.
It was such an interesting experience looking through these old photos while home at my parents during Christmas because I can specifically remember the pain behind these fake smiles. While it is painful to remember these trying years of growing up, it makes me so thankful for the JOY I have found in life through Jesus Christ.
This video perfectly illustrates my story. I weep every single time I watch it.
