September: Approaching the Promised Land

I love that God speaks to us.  And I love that His Words are divine and so much more than mine could ever be.  And I love that God works within His own timing, not ours.  I have been so tired this month, particularly this week, and today is the one foreseeable day I would be able to sleep in, however I woke up at my usual work time on this Saturday morning and I was overwhelmed with revelation about the past month that I simply had to document.  Oh well.  :)  So here is what is bursting out of my spirit at 5:00 AM.  The revelation and command this month is to rest, which is ironic considering the early Saturday morning.  As much as I love sleep, I love being woken up by the Holy Spirit and I am so thankful for revelation, whenever it comes.  

This month it was revealed to me that entering this season of parenting, for us, is like entering a promised land.  We have been so anticipating the arrival of our children since the beginning of our marriage, and the reality that someday we could become parents is a promise we have clung to tightly.  I was at an incredible conference and was able to have four days to just sit and listen and receive.  In hindsight I can see that the timing of this conference was the perfect bridge from our past to our future as parents.  There were wonderful speakers and testimonies and it was through listening to another girl's story of what God has done in her life as well as reflecting on my own journey that I heard the invitation from God to enter into this promised land of parenting.  I kept hearing the word promised land, so I received it even though I did not quite know what that meant.  In my reflection of being at this conference for four whole days, the word started to open like a flower blooming in the spring as I was able to connect how we have been on a journey to a promised land just like the Israelites.  In thinking back and remembering the first day we found out about our daughter's life, the best way I can remember it was like finding a sign of hope that there is life after death.  I felt like my husband and I were wandering around in a desert, and suddenly we found a spring of water or saw a green plant sticking out of the ground.  Seeing the blue line on the pregnancy test was our first sign of this amazing new life God desires to give us.  As we continue to say, our daughter's life is our deepest delight as she is a constant reminder that He is gracious.  

And then as we continued on this incredible journey of pregnancy we continued to see more signs of life each month. Literally.  It was as if the further we walked through this desert, the less sand and heat and the more green trees and springs we saw.  Hearing our daughter's heartbeat for the first time was like seeing a huge tree in the middle of a dry and sandy place.  Watching my belly grow, seeing her tiny face at the ultrasound, feeling her move, and now being able to SEE it is like we are literally approaching a whole new territory FLOWING with goodness.  This month was full of that miraculous experience of literally seeing my belly bumping around.  We have an active little girl.  We can see all of the incredible things coming as we continue to walk towards parenting.  The signs of life are so indescribably wonderful, and I can't imagine that in about a month I will hear her first cry and meet her as we truly cross the threshold into this promised land. I think about hearing that sound every single day.  And at the sound of her first cry, I envision it like crossing a finish line of a long and at times painful race that our life has been in recent years.  

As I studied this idea of a promised land more (Numbers 13), I learned a few things about the Israelites in their journey through the wilderness into their promised land.  I learned that... 

1. They were afraid.  (Numbers 13:32-33)  The Israelites were afraid to enter this promised land because of the giants that were living there and they said they felt like grasshoppers in comparison.  As an outsider to their experience, I want to scream at them and say, "Do you really think God would abandon you now?  He has prepared this incredible place for you, called the PROMISED LAND, and you are afraid to go there?  After all He has brought you through?  You have no reason to be afraid."  Personalizing this text for our own promised land journey, while I do not feel particularly scared or terrified of parenting, there are certainly parts of this unknown season that bring some general concern and doubt as I have no idea what it will be like or what to do.  I have heard it is a learning on the job type of experience, and was able to identify some fears I have in parenting.  In this context of this promised land parallel, I am feeling called to release my fear. 

2. They were called to enter the place of rest. (Hebrews 4)  The bible says that they could not enter the promised land because they could not enter His rest.  I took this for myself as saying that if I do not learn how to find that place of rest that God offers to us, I will not be able to receive this wonderful new season of a promised land.  That walking this out is my choice, and it comes with obeying the command to enter His rest.  And the little I have been able to learn and study this month, the more I want to learn about this idea of rest.  I do not think this command for my husband and I is one to "sleep more" or "do less" because our promised land is potentially full of sleepless nights and infinite tasks as I really cannot imagine the demands of a child.  But I do believe there is a place that we can go in which we can rest, even in busyness.  And I am excited to learn more about that.  

This process of wanting to create one new habit a month has been slowed, and I am committing to spending the rest of this year studying and pressing into this idea and habit of finding this place of rest that God offers to all of us.  The promise that was revealed to me in line with this pursuit is found in Matthew 11:28-30.  Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest in your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I have committed to confessing this verse EVERY DAY for the next year of my life.  The more I read it and meditate on it, the more I realize I have no idea how to rest.  I have no idea how to find that place.  But I trust and believe that this promise God made will come to pass as I continue to press towards it and as I ask.  My latest confessions have sounded something like this, "God you have said that we can come to you when we are weary and burdened, and You have promised us that You will give us rest.  This is a busy season of my life that seems as if it will only get busier in the upcoming months and years, but I press into find that place of rest that you have offered.  I desire to walk at your pace of life and live with an easy burden and light yoke that you extend to me.  Show me how to be a teacher and wife and friend and now mom all at the same time.  Teach me the unforced rhythms of grace as I enter this season of parenting and show me the pace of life that you desire." 

3. The promised land is flowing with milk and honey. (Exodus 33:3)  In the description of the promised land, the Israelites were offered a place that is FLOWING with milk and honey.  When I looked up the word flowing I found: graceful, without interruption, proceed smoothly and continuously, easily, abounding in, having excess.  I took this for our story to mean that the transition into this season of parenting will flow and the adjustment will be easy.  We are still in a place of adjusting to all of the ways our life and dreams and plans have changed, and while that is no longer a painful experience we are still in the midst of it.  And I believe this new transition and adjustment of adding another member into this family will be smooth.  I choose to speak out that this transition will be easy, continuous, and abounding in fruit.  I see the promised land of our life as parents as a place full of life and trees bearing much fruit.  And I believe my husband and I will flourish as parents.  Not because we know what we are doing or will not make mistakes, but because we are confident that God will guide us as we seek to raise our daughter to know Him.  When thinking that the promised land for the Israelites was flowing with milk and honey, it was revealed to me that our promised land will be flowing with life, productivity, provision, health, support, gifts, energy, joy, and delight.  

Now all we have to do is learn how to enter that place of rest to receive all that God has for us.   

*As a side note, another great truth I discovered is that everyone's wilderness and promised land experiences are so vastly different.  I have friends for whom getting pregnant has been a wilderness.  One couple we know and love had to wait SEVEN YEARS before they were able to conceive.  I cannot imagine how painful that time was.  Seven years.  And now they have two gorgeous children. I have other friends for whom having a newborn has been a wilderness experience full of dryness, insane hormones and baby blues, no sleep, and non-stop colic.   Our wilderness was a different experience entirely.  I realized that our promised land may be someone's wilderness just like our wilderness may have been someone's promised land.  As I have wrestled with the seeming injustice of watching friends struggle with what has come so easily to us, I have learned that we each have our own journey and that comparing is so unproductive as no one's pain or struggle can be compared to another.  But I do believe that just like we all have a wilderness season, we ALL get a season of promised land.  We do not have to stay stuck in the wilderness, as the wilderness experience always leads to a promised land.  And I am not claiming that this promised land will be the new place we camp out and live for the rest of our lives, but I do believe that this upcoming this season will be one of ease, rest, and promises being fulfilled in our lives.  There is power in naming your wilderness and promised land, I am confident that we are all offered both. 

Habit #9: Rest 

August: Take A Deep Breath

My goal this month was to enter a place of rest and to relax.  Literally, to hibernate and sleep as much as possible as I know that may be something we will be short of in the months ahead.  But even more than that, to enter a place of rest in my lifestyle.  To set my intense and focused and disciplined and activator personality aside and enter a place of rest and relaxation in how I spend my time and what I allow to take place in my thinking.  That was my goal at the beginning of the month, and as the month comes to a close I can say that I did ok.

The relevance of this goal was confirmed as we began to take child birth classes and on the first night of class, August 1st, the teacher introduced the idea of having a successful labor to one specific word: relaxation.  We have spent the entire month learning about the importance of relaxing accompanied by specific skills as to how to relax.  Breathing techniques, stretches, and relaxation activities were just a few of the strategies we have learned about and practiced this past month.  And the timing for such a challenge could not have come at a better time as this month has been filled with chaos as the beginning of a new school year came way to early this year.  School is ALWAYS intense for me as I want to get every book labeled and in its place, every lesson perfectly planned, and every pencil sharpened before the students arrive.  Not to mention school, we are now one month closer to baby time.

The financial crunch feels tighter and tighter as we approach the unknown medical bills that come with having a baby along with 3 months without pay during maternity leave.  My husband's new job comes with incredible benefits, which all three of us will be eligible for on November 1st.  Our guess date as to when our little peanut could enter the world is October 31, so we are surely cutting it close.  Basically we are in a situation where if she is born in October the cost will be around $2,700 which is my out of pocket maximum and if she is born in November it could potentially be a few hundred dollars or less as I will have a primary and a secondary insurance plan.  Here we are again, forced to trust that God is in control and that He will provide for us and meet every need.  And as I see the chaos lingering in front of me, I choose now to relax.  I choose now to lay it down.  I choose now to trust.  I intentionally position myself to enter a place of rest and relaxation even in chaos.  To quiet my mind and body and relax.  To stay in that place where I KNOW that God is enough and that He will meet all of our needs.

An incredible revelation I had this month which is linked into this idea of relaxation can best be described through a quote from Joyce Meyer:

It is easy to trust God when things are going well.  But when things are not going well we develop character by trusting God in our difficult situations.  And the more character we develop, the more our ability can be released  That is why I say that stability releases ability.  The more stable we become, the more our ability will be released because God will know that He can trust us.

Many people have gifts that can take them to places where their character cannot keep them. Gifts are given, but character is developed.  ...  By disciplining our emotions, our mouths, and our moods, we become stable enough to remain peaceful whatever our circumstances, so that we can walk in the fruit of the Spirit- whether we feel like it or not.  The more stable we become, the more our ability can be released through us.

I underlined the part that stood out to me.  I have been given gifts of being focused, disciplined, hard working, and driven.  I can easily tune out the world to work on a project or complete a task.  And while this part of who I am and how I function is a strength, it also reveals my greatest weakness when it pulls me away from relationships and blocks me from being able to engage in relaxation.  This gift of discipline can cause me to get easily distracted and this discipline can snowball out of control to a place in which my body is lacking rest and my mind is lacking peace.  For example, in my classroom I can get more concerned with typing out detailed lesson plans for what I am going to teach when there is a student right in front of me who needs my full attention.  At home I can get so caught up in cleaning our home that I rarely sit and enjoy it.

The lesson I learned this month and the key to my success in this pregnancy and in my future life as a parent, is to relax.  Is to lighten up.  To keep one eye on my tasks and one eye on others and also on my self and my body and what I need.  There have been days this month where I have not sat down until 8:00 pm.  (This is why I said the month of "relaxing" was ok.)  Were there really nonstop NEEDS that I was pursuing?  No, but I managed to find things to clean and put away and straighten up and went a little over the top at school and home trying to get everything in its place before my precious baby comes and steals all of my time and attention.  And while I have gifts, I need those gifts to be disciplined and developed so that I can be used by God.  So that my character can keep me in a place in which I can truly operate in my gifts. I identified that this inability to relax, to know when to rest, is one of my greatest weaknesses which is holding me back from all that God could do in and through me.  I was convicted as I called to mind the command God has given us to rest.  Exodus 2:8 says, "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God."  This is a discipline we plan to maintain as a family, especially when our daughter is born. 

My biggest fear as a parent is that I will be more focused on meeting my daughter's needs (feeding, laundering, changing clothes, cleaning bottles) that I will miss the precious moments with her.  I have this bad habit of living in the future, either one day or week or month ahead of the present in attempts to stay on top of things.  I am learning to discipline my mind to stay present and to live day by day.  I had a nightmare years ago that haunts me to this day: it projected my life years into the future when I have adult children and one day I woke up and realized that I had missed their lives.  I had been so focused on tasks, on checking off to do lists, on grocery shopping and finishing laundry and having a neat house and making meals and getting things done, that I had missed the moments.  I didn't know them as adults.  And this terrified me and made me realize that in order to parent, I need to change.  I want to change.  I want to learn how to relax.  How to sit and rest.  How to enjoy.  How to just be present in the moment.  And I am still learning.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  Philippians 4:6
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34

My soul finds rest in God alone. Psalm 62:1-2

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let your heart not be troubled nor let it be fearful.  John 14:27

Habit #8: Relax