satisfied

My initial intention of this pursuit of health was not to rewrite a new rigid set of food rules, but by way of my personality this year long adventure has the potential to turn in that direction.  So I am rerouting back on track by asking God for help as I seek holistic, long term, lifestyle health for my entire family.

As I seek to make eating the sacred experience I believe God intended it to be, I want to feel satisfied by the foods I choose to eat.

And while I am a long way from eating everything from the farm verses factory, step by step I am discovering how this pursuit of health will fit into my life.  As I learn, I begin by just changing one thing at a time rather than trying to revamp my entire lifestyle in one month.  And with each intentional change I am listening to my body for a response.

Eden has recently starting eating solid foods and it is fun to watch her discover new flavors and textures.  I am amazed at her ability to eat and then turn her head when she is done because I can see that at six months of age she knows her limits and can basically dictate her own eating.  This beautiful world of simplicity in which she lives without the ability to critically think creates a healthy relationship with food which we hope to maintain in her life as she grows.

It really can be this simple.

Eat until full.

Eat until my body is satisfied.

The first 4 months of my recovery from my distorted relationship with food focused on regaining hunger signals.  Because my mind and emotions became engaged in the eating experience in an unhealthy way, I had stopped trusting my body to tell me when full and I had to relearn this feeling.  I had to relearn how to trust my physical body because I used food as emotional nourishment rather than physical.  

Rather than eating when lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, afraid, or sad, I am learning to eat for the sacred and holy purpose of nourishing my body, finding other healthy outlets as to how to deal with these uncomfortable emotions.

I observe and model the behavior of Eden as I listen to and trust the signals God has miraculous created to communicate cravings, hunger, and fullness.  Just like my precious baby girl, I want to learn how to eat until satisfied.

fat fear

Yes, this is my belly.  39 week pregnant belly, that is.

As I was snuggling with my sweet Eden the other day, running my fingers over her smooth baby skin and feeling those adorable chunky leg rolls, I wondered, when does it start?

What is the age when society uninvitedly redefines my daughter's precious  baby chub as fat?
When does adorable change to ugly?
When will Eden have awareness of what her body looks like?
And how can I protect her from this image obsessed society, teaching her about actual health rather than the common misperception of it?

While these will be ongoing questions to consider in the years ahead, I cannot help but wonder as this was an ongoing struggle of my own adolescent experience.

I was terrified of fat.

Eating fat and seeing fat on my body.

The eating disorder that stole a decade of my life has a name- not anorexia or bulimia but something else; basically a fear of fat.  Even during my unhealthiest moments I still ate something most days, just never fat.

For me to answer some of these questions as to how I will model a healthy relationship with food in our home, I have had to face my fear of fat.

One way I have found major victory in my battle with food and other areas of life is to identify a misperception, what I call a lie, and replace it with the truth. 

LIE: Fat is always bad.
TRUTH: Fat can be good.

The more I learn about holistic health and the more passionate I become about counting chemicals and not calories, the more I realize that for years I replaced healthy fats with destructive chemicals.  While the low-fat fad has marked our health and wellness societal beliefs as well as my own personal perspective for years, I will continue to change my habits towards the reality fat can be good.  

5 benefits of fat:
forms an important component on cell membranes and wall
provides protection for internal organs
helps the body use fat soluble vitamins: A, D, E, and K
provides insulation under skin and warms body
sustains hunger and provides energy

5 examples of healthy fats:
avocado (Eden's favorite and first solid food)
chia seeds or flax seed
coconut or sunflower oil
raw almonds, pecans, and cashews
natural peanut or almond butter 

counting chemicals, not calories

I counted calories for over a decade.  As far from that kind of thinking as I have come, it has been hard to just forget how many calories an item of food has.

Not because I really care anymore, but just because I remember. 

I was terrified of butter, chips, and cookies.  As part of my recovery I had to eat ice cream every day and cried every single time for the first month, knowing how many calories were in every single bite.  My thinking was warped and for some reason all of my anxiety was centered around calories.  

I am now moving out of counting calories and into counting chemicals.  I don't like how that sounds because do not want to get into that kind of black and white thinking anymore in which I experience anxiety while eating any kind of food, but I do want to be more aware of specifically what I am putting into my body.

Even just starting to look and learn about all of the chemicals that are added to our foods has been extremely enlightening.  I am learning there are over 3,000 additives worth avoiding, and sticking to foods as close to the farm as possible is the best way to make healthy eating choices.

Because I love lists and I need a manageable number of new vocabulary words to start with, I wanted to know the top 5 specifics that are REALLY worth avoiding.  I guess I am not even sure all of these are considered the worst, but I have read multiple sources suggesting these particular words are worth checking for before making a purchase.

This is a summary of what I found:

1. Artificial Sweeteners (like aspertame)- neruotixin and carcinogen
Often found in: diet or sugar free, coke zero, jello, desserts, sugar free gum, drink mixes, cereal, breath mints, pudding, iced tea, etc.
Can cause: dizziness, headaches, mental confusion, migraines, seizures

2. MSG- amino acid flavor enhancer
Often found in: soups, salad dressings, chips, frozen entrees, cookies, Campbell soups, lunch meats
Can cause: depression, disorientation, fatigue, headaches, obesity

3. High Fructose Corn Syrup
Often found in: most processed foods, bread, candy, flavored yogurts, salad dressing, canned vegetables, cereals
Can cause: weight gain, high cholesterol

4. Food Coloring
Often found in: candy, cereal, soft drinks, mac and cheese, American cheese, ice cream
Can cause: behavior problems in children

5. BHA/BHT
Often found in: cereal, chewing gum, potato chips, vegetable oil
Can cause: effects nervous system, alter behavior, potential to cause cancer

I am really overwhelmed.

That is more than enough new information for now as I seek to make eating the sacred experience God intended it to be.  Change can be so overwhelming that I have learned to step into something new little by little.  So I am going to start pacing my shift in lifestyle by cutting out these particular additives as much as possible and staying in tune to my body's response.

The key to healthy change is gradual, simple, manageable lifestyle changes.  One change at a time.  Day by day.  

I will continue to refine my lifestyle habits as I pursue health this year.  

free to eat

Because food is such an important topic for me, I want to revisit a foundational habit at the beginning of this pursuit and invite God into this experience as healthy change always starts in asking God for help.

I recall my daily confession.  I can't do it without you.  So I ask Him for help, listen intently, and dive into His Word.  The first time food is mentioned in the Bible it says, "You are free to eat..."

Stop right there. 

You mean eating isn't bad?  

This is a revolutionary thought for me.  Of course I understand that foundationally eating is important and necessary to stay alive, but could it be good?  Could it be that God is delighted when we ENJOY the experience of eating the foods He created?  Why else would strawberries have such sweetness and pineapple such delicious flavors?   Couldn't we have just had manna each day like the Israelites? 

Just some food for thought.  Literally. 

So I read it again.  "You are free to eat..." and this time the word free hit me.  I spent over a decade of my life trying to figure out what this means.

Does this mean I can eat whatever I want?  
What do I want to eat?  
What should I want to eat?  
What does it look like to have a relationship with food that is based on the foundation of freedom? 

Ten years later, I am starting to shift my perspective on freedom from:
I am free to do whatever I feel like
to
I am free to make a choice, regardless of my feelings. 

The difference is being led by choice rather than feelings.  In my life, freedom means I am in control and I make choices that bring about the fruit I desire. 

Therefore, I am starting to think that this freedom with food does not mean that every time I see a cookie I can eat it, but rather that I have the power to say yes and no to foods based on the needs and desires of my body. 

Our bodies are incredible as they have been perfectly and wonderfully made.  And way down deep, deeper than emotions and thoughts, our bodies deeply crave foods that will allow them to function in the healthiest and most efficient way.  Living foods.  Foods God made, not man.  And I can enjoy those wonderful foods and flavors!

I will tune into the needs of my body more than I ever have before.

Our bodies speak to us, are we listening?

Eden is enjoying her first delicious tastes of solid foods. 

May: Make Eating Sacred

At the beginning of this 2014 year, I basically hit RESET on my holistic relationship with food, health, and body image.  I started over with hopes of leaving the dysfunction of my past behind and wiping the slate clean as I enter this new season of raising a sweet baby girl in a world where she will be recieving incessant messages about what to eat and how to look.

My intention is to reprogram my mind to make healthy choices as I care for my body and redefine "health" for myself and my family. 

And this month I am excited to write about one of the hottest topics within this world of health: FOOD. 

I remember paralleling my recovery from an eating disorder with that of an alcoholic in the context that, while someone who has misused alcohol was training themselves to walk away once and for all from the substance that brought much pain into their lives, my situation was different. Not easier or harder or better or worse, just very different.

My issue was food.  And I could never "walk away" from food. 

I have to eat every single day for the rest of my life.

Removing myself from environments and situations in which I would be exposed to food sounded temping, not to lose weight, but to wipe my hands clean of this struggle and move on with my life.  It was almost like I needed to take a break from food to reset my mind.  However, as my physical body could not have sustained such a break, I have had to relearn how to interact with food.

And I am still learning.

While this has been a struggle, it is also one particaular topic I am excited to reprogram.  In the past 4 months I have already learned a great deal about healthy habits with food while studying other aspects of health, and I have a lot of thoughts to write about throughout the month.  But before I jump right in, I will set the basic foundation for my goal as I pursue the incredible fruit of having a healthy understanding of the food I put into my mouth each meal.

Goal: This month I want to make eating food the sacred experience God designed it to be.  The fact that my body was created in a way to eat, process, digest, and use the nutrients in food is actually an incredibly miraculous reality; one that I have missed as I have misused this gift time and time again. 

Challenge: While this is somewhat of an ambigious goal, I will attempt to break it down into day to day life in these ways:

1. Stop multi-tasking during meals.  Between teaching and life with a new baby, it is rare that I eat without doing 5 other things at the same time.  In order to enjoy the experience of eating and be present in the mirculous nourishment of my body, I will take on the challenge of slowing down my life enough to sit down to eat and do NOTHING ELSE.  I predict this will drastically change what I put into my mouth and how much - as focusing on the meal at hand will train my mind to listen to my body for the effects of specific ingredients along with signs of hunger and fullness.

2. Eat living food.  Because I will be taking time to eat and slowing down to enjoy food, I also hope to make eating the sacred experience that God designed it to be by choosing foods that God made for my body, rather than man-made with added chemicals.  I assume these specific challenges will go hand in hand.  If I am really listening to my body, it is craving living foods which will bring life to my being!