December: Adjust

I'll never forget the marriage advice we received in our pre-marriage counseling which I would be bold enough to suggest is not only applicable for newlyweds but also for new parents and really for anyone crossing the threshold into the newness of adulthood: the success of your marriage (or family or life) is based on your ability to adjust because the only thing constant in life is change.

In hindsight, after 3 years of ongoing changes, some excitingly wonderful while others excruciatingly painful, I find such power in the awareness of the warning and reality of this truth because without the expectation of change and ability to adjust, it can sneak up on us and potentially create extreme disappointment and emotional destruction.  My husband and I have navigated significant changes in the realm of housing, jobs, reputation, careers, trust, schedule, support, and churches just to name a few.  Being a former control, stability, and schedule freak, I have had to learn how adjust, practice it often, and allow God to use every change in my life to train me in this lifelong lesson of adjusting.  While I have not mastered this skill by any means, I look back and see how much progress I have made and celebrate what God has done!  And it all began with the simple warning that change is inevitable and the desire to adjust.

So here I am again in another incredibly life changing experience as I walk into a parenting!  While I had nine months to prepare for this new life and the changes she brings into our lifestyle, and while these changes are incredibly wonderful and life-giving, these changes also have brought loss.  It is important to acknowledge that all change comes with it some form of loss.  While I don't have enough time to list the countless gains Eden is bringing to my life, there are also some significant losses that require naming, grief, and releasing as I adjust.

Showering when I want and for however long I want 

Sitting down and eating an uninterrupted meal
Spontaneous outings with friends or family
Wearing anything I would like without having to think about the potential of needing to practically undress at a moment's notice to feed 

Fully engaging in a conversation

Starting a task and finishing it 

Control of my time and schedule 

Sitting through a whole church service 

Quiet car rides 

Sleeping for more than three hours at a time

A budget without the "childcare" column 

Quickly running into the store to return something or grab one quick item

While I am sure most of these seem insignificant, these tiny changes are forcing me to adjust to a new life of having one ear listening to a friend and the other listening for me baby's breathing and one eye on the task at hand and the other on my precious baby girl.  And in order to navigate these changes and the many more we are living at the moment, I have been guided by a practical tip and a spiritual truth.

Practical tip for navigating change: create and honor guidelines

As I adjust to the many changes I mentioned in November's post, I recognize the need to adjust and shift gears in my lifestyle.  I often have to have a meeting with myself, a time activating metacognition by thinking about the changes in my life and making decisions to adjust when things feel unnatural and new.  

Even though there are so many areas in life in which I am adjusting, I decided to start somewhere by focusing on creating some guidelines for the changes of my daily schedule.  I do not want to waste my 14 week maternity leave struggling with the adjustment of pace and unsure as to how to spend my time, but would prefer to enjoy every second I have with my little munchkin while also using this schedule change as an opportunity to grow and allow God to bring about changes in my personality.  A common theme that has woven its way in and out of each post this year is my desire to slow down and enjoy my life and I want this life change to help in this process.

While my love-hate relationship with my personality has been an ongoing tug of war as I have wrestled with the reality that my greatest strengths are very much my greatest weaknesses, I have decided to accept myself, enjoy my gifts, continue to let God develop and mature my strengths and develop the character in me I need to operate in those gifts. I am learning that sometimes our gifts can take us places where our character cannot keep us. In light of embracing myself just as I am, a work in process, I have come to appreciate my ability to create and follow guidelines and have identified this skill as a major means of adjusting.   

Schedule guidelines (I am only writing them out for the blog, to clarify.  They were just in my head and are in the other capacities in life in which I am adjusting)

1. Wake up time - don't get out of bed until 8:00

2. Shower and get ready every day ASAP- during Eden's first morning nap 

3. Eating routines- enjoy meals and eat slowly 

4. One outing or visitor a day- great time to reconnect and visit people 

5. Home by 2:00- two o'clock teaching and relaxing time

6. Slow down and enjoy every moment with Eden

7. ENJOY (not accomplish) any of these if Eden is sleeping: yoga, read, bathe, nap, write

These guidelines are full of major life changes for me as I had previously been spending my time up at 5:00, to work by 6:30, insane business with little time to even use the bathroom all day meeting the needs of 25 first graders, and then home around 4:30 to recover and do it all over the next day.  Life at home with Eden has a much slower pace, and while I love that the changes felt very abrupt.  I am taking this new pace one day at a time and attempting to slow down.  The only way to adhere to such guidelines and shift gears is to activate the powerful fruit of the Holy Spirit, particularly self-control.

For example, when I wake up at 6:03 and am tempted to jump out of bed and start my "to do" list for the day as I have been for the last 5 years of teaching, I take a deep breath, lie back down on the bed, hold or look at my precious daughter and enjoy every little miraculous feature.  And I pray for her, kiss her face, smell her delicious newborn scent, and bask in the miracle and wonder of this teeny little girl with whose life I have been entrusted.  I stay in that place of prayer, rest, and wonder until 8:00 each and every morning, and such a simple practice and discipline has been a wonderful way for me to start my days with Eden and enjoy her.  Each of these guidelines has brought about incredible means of adjusting to this new and temporary season along with maximizing the short amount of time I have with my newborn baby.  

I hope to continue learning and growing in developing this habit as adjusting truly is and will be a life long journey; as soon as Eden can crawl and eventually walk that will create tons of need for new adjustments along with potty training, school, adding more children... this is only the beginning!

Powerful truth for navigating change: Hebrews 13:8

Hebrews 8:13 holds a powerful anchor for my soul as I adjust to the variety of changes life brings my way.  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."  In the middle of life's changes, I stand firm on a Rock that is always the same, always loving, always faithful, and always constant.  When everything else feels new and different and exciting and scary and wonderful and vulnerable, I turn to Jesus who never changes.

Eden weeks 5-8

Habit #12: Adjust 

November: A Deeper Level

This month has been a bit of a fog.  When reflecting on this month, the only thing that has been constant or stable has been change.  There is not really one thing I can think of in my life that is the same as it was on October 31, 2013.

My body has gone through so many changes I cannot even begin to describe.  I gained over 50 pounds during this pregnancy and within the first 7 days of my postpartum life had already lost over 30.  It seems silly to even talk about weight like that, because there is so much change in such a short amount of time.  I was recently told that within the first 6 weeks after having a baby, a woman's body goes through the same amount of change as someone with a terminal illness.  Everything in my body has and still is changing.

My lifestyle has changed drastically as the way I spend my time is 100% different than it has ever been.  I left the house 3 times for 3 dr. appointments in the first 14 days of my daughter's life.  This has been the only time in my life that I have not worked in some form, and I must admit that I am loving it.  I love spending each and every moment snuggling Eden and cannot get enough of her.  I also have not slept more than 2 hours in almost an entire month.  That in itself is a huge change with side effects.

My mind has changed as my priorities are drastically different than they were before.  The things I think about and talk about are much different.  For example, we write down and thoroughly discuss how many times our daughter has pooped, what color it is and what it looks like.

My relationships have changed.  We have been absolutely blessed to have so much love and support, and we have seen so many loved ones this month and it has been amazing, except that I find myself keeping on eye on Eden and the other on the particular friend or family member I am talking to.  I keep one ear open to Eden's cry while trying to listen and focus and be a good friend and give advice.  It is hard to focus on anything or anyone but her during this initial transition into parenthood, and while it may sound endearing it is a little irritating even to me.

My emotions are of course on a hormonal roller coaster and things that used to be a big deal to me now seem silly in the perspective of raising a child.  There have been countless stories I have heard this month that through the lens of a parent broke my heart in a different way.  That is probably the biggest change- my heart.  It feels liquid, as it has been absolutely melted by my incredible baby girl.  I remember driving home from the hospital and just having this overwhelming desire to hold and protect her from everything and everyone.  I can't stand the thought of her going through anything challenging or experiencing rejection or pain.  I love her so much it hurts.

I remember the life changing experience of falling in love with my husband.  It was the only other time in my life that I felt liquid, like everything in my world was changing and nothing mattered except how I felt about him.  The experience of loving someone so much was surprisingly painful as I felt so vulnerable to the world and that if anything ever happened to him I would crumble.  This month has been another form of that exact same experience.  I am absolutely in love with my daughter, and as amazing as it is, there is also a sense of vulnerability and fear which has been frustrating as it has made me feel as if I have digressed in the progress I have made in recent years as the lessons I have learned are now being tested yet again in another capacity.

That is another change.

I had been consistently growing and learning and being open and letting God work in my life, and it feels as if that has been paused this month as other things have come in and taken priority over my spiritual growth.

When thinking about what habit I wanted to focus on this month, I feel overwhelmed, like I need to start back at the beginning and do them all again.  Trust.  Pray.  Confess.  Slow Down.  Relax.  In the past 12 years, specifically the past 2 years, I have come so far in trusting God, first with myself and then with Chris during his time in jail.  And here I am practically climbing into my daughter's bassinet to make sure she is breathing.  It seems as if I do not trust my heavenly Father at all, and while that is not true it also seems like it is in the way I am acting and feeling with Eden.  I am finding myself battling so much fear which I believe was created by my love for her.  However, I recall to mind the truth in 1 John 4:18 that says, "There is no fear in love.  Perfect love casts out fear." What does that even mean?  Does that even apply to my love for my daughter?

I have no clarity worth writing about this month.  No life changing revelations or even consistent thoughts as I am a bit overtired, and anytime I am not too tired and actually have a moment to sit down to think or write I will begin and then suddenly Eden will need to eat or need to be changed or something else will come up and by the time I come back to the computer there is nothing clear or congruent worth writing about.

In my lack of clarity, I guess my goal this month, and what I was tested in, was my ability to go with the flow.  To start something and not finish it.  To go through intense changes in every area of my life and stay sane.  To keep my head above water.  To walk through change without clinging to "the way things were" and to walk through this season and let God be in control, relinquishing that position as controller of my life.

What I hope is to take this fluid, liquid state I am in and allow God to use it to bring about the healthy changes that need to take place in my life.  I can't view it like I have gone backwards and now need to learn the same lessons about trusting and praying again, but rather that I am going deeper in those areas and that I will have victory in deeper ways because of this deep deep love I have for my daughter.

It is as if my heart has been ripped to a deeper level, and in that level I am determined to learn to trust, to pray, to confess, to relax, to enjoy, and to be fully His.  It all begins by going with the flow and allowing this change to manifest itself in my life and in my spirit.  I am asking God to make something new now that I am living and loving on a deeper level as a mother.

Eden weeks 1-4

Habit #11: Go with the flow

Our Birth Story

Since pregnancy I have heard countless birth stories.  Expecting moms going into labor early and late, at home and at work, babies being born in the car and tub, medicated and non medicated labors, labors lasting 36 hours and some only 36 minutes.  From the beginning of our pregnancy I have been most curious about our story.  Here is the story of how Eden Jane Vavra entered this world.

Our due date was Halloween, and from the beginning we had been praying that she would not be born on this day.  Now only 4% of babies are born on their due date, so our chances were pretty good that she would come on a different day.  Not only were we hoping to avoid a Halloween baby for her birthday's sake, but we also had an insurance glitch.  Chris's new job provided an opportunity for him to carry his own health insurance!  His new job has unofficially been in the works since early May, and officially since he was accepted into his electrician apprenticeship and began attending school in September.  The way the timing worked out, he was eligible to receive benefits NOVEMBER 1!  If Eden would have been born in October, we would have been charged my max out of pocket through my health insurance plan, which is around $2,700.  Overall, that is great coverage for labor and delivery and we are thankful for my health insurance.  However, if Eden were to be born in November, we had been told that the labor and delivery would be 100% covered because I would have my primary health insurance plan cover the majority of the costs, then this new secondary health insurance plan would take care of the rest.  While we do not quite yet understand all of the details, we started praying for a November baby.

Now towards the last month of my pregnancy I started getting VERY uncomfortable, so November 1st became the date we were praying and asking for as the earliest possible moment considering the health insurance situation!  There is also the added fact that Chris and I got engaged on November 1st, 2009 and we thought it would be fun to add another milestone to that special date.  So for months we and many prayer warriors had been praying that Eden would come into the world on November 1st, and as the days of October ticked we were more and more relieved.  By the time our due date rolled around, a little smile crept across our face.  We had made it to November!

We had scheduled our standard weekly appointment on our due date, simply to check in and see how things were going.  The appointment I had a week earlier was SO quick that I assumed this one would be the same way.  We had carpooled to work that morning and had some errands to run after the appointment and were planning on going out to eat to celebrate having made it to November!  When arriving at the dr. I always have to leave a urine sample, get a weight check, and then blood pressure.  After having completed all of these tasks we walked into the little waiting room, and when our midwife walked in we had huge smiles on our faces.  She knew about our health insurance situation and we smiled big, saying, "We made it!"  I knew that because I was not in labor at 4:00 on October 31st that we were in the clear.  There is no way I was going to have this baby today.

Our midwife had an unsettled look on her face and almost in a whisper said, "Almost.  You almost made it.  We found protein in your urine and your blood pressure is unusually high, which means you are trending towards preeclamspia.  The only solution to preeclamspsia is to get the baby out.  I am sorry, you need to be induced today."

Induced?  One thing I forgot to mention in the introduction to our birth story is that we had some specific desires for this birth, the main one being that it be unmedicated.  While I would never ever think twice about anyone else's choice to use medication during labor, for some reason I had the desire to do it naturally.  I am convinced that God designed my body perfectly to have this baby and was so hoping to deliver Eden without the assistance of any medication.  Upon hearing that I would be induced, I thought of our birth plan which had one specific request in bold: AVOID PITOCIN AT ALL COSTS.  Because pitocin is the drug used to induce, that changed EVERYTHING.

I adjusted surprisingly well to the new plan because my body was more than ready.  I had been feeling particularly uncomfortable in the recent weeks and was done working, done teaching first grade, done waddling around, done changing shoes 5 times a day to avoid the discomfort that came from the swelling, done not sleeping, done done done.  Half of my was relieved and ready to go, while the other half was completely shocked and partially terrified.

I seemed to adjust better than Chris, who immediately freaked out.  He was asking all of these questions about money and finances and insurance and payments and finally I had to be very stern with him, reminding him that God is not surprised by the sudden turn of events, that He will meet all of our needs, that I would be having a baby in the next 12-24 hours, and that I desperately needed his stability and support.

Our midwife checked me to find out I was dilated 2 cm, which we all agreed is better than nothing.  She escorted us immediately to the hospital where we were admitted to a room and told to get comfortable.  They initially took my blood to do some blood work while we settled in.  Because it's me, I of course threw the hospital bags into the back of the car that morning "just in case," but never in my wildest dreams thought we would USE them so I had forgotten the 2 most important things- the ipods and camera.  We called Erik, Chris's brother, to bring us those items and slowly started updating people that we would be having a baby soon.  Employers, moms, and our closest friends were informed first.

We spent the next 4 hours transitioning physically through settling into our room and mentally through trying to wrap our minds around the reality that we would soon become parents.  We grieved our dreams of going into labor naturally, feeling those initial mild contractions, going for a long walk, laboring at home with our Doula Kate, driving to the hospital when I was 4-1-1 (contractions 4 minutes apart, lasting one minute long for one hour), and having our birth story photographed by our friend Melissa.  And we both adjusted well, realizing that this was God's story for our little Eden.

The dr. then suggested I take another drug called magnesium sulfate because the trend of preclampsia brought with it the risk of having a seizure during labor.  I was told this mag sulfate would make me feel extremely ill, like a horrible case of the flu.  While I adjusted just fine to the reality that I would be induced with pitocin, this suggestion brought me to tears instantly.  The thought of having the flu was just about the worst possible concept imaginable at that moment, while I was already adjusting to the new plan and preparing my mind and body for labor I just could not reconcile having flu like symptoms on top of everything else my body would be enduring in the upcoming hours.  So we stalled for a good hour or two, trying to decide what to do with this mag sulfate decision.  We asked for results from the blood work and were happy to discover that my blood work and liver looked good, which gave us the bold confidence to deny the mag sulfate, risking the seizure at the odds that it would not take place.  While the dr. was slightly offended and did not agree with our decision, she respected it and moved forward without the drug.

Each step we took was covered in a huge trusting prayer and hope that God was in control.

Around 7:30 PM I was given an IV and pitocin was officially running through my body.  I was also checked again and confirmed to be dilated 3 cm.  That was good news- progression.  It was the strangest experience, to just sit there and wait to be in an incredible amount of pain in a short time.  I took a bath, walked around, and waited.  I felt completely normal initially, and took this opportunity to rest and eat and pray and prepare myself for what I could only imagine was to come.  We were informed that this could take awhile, so we settled in and rested while we could.  We sent Kate, our doula, home as we assumed it would be awhile before anything started happening.  After an hour of waiting to feel something, they increased the dose of pitocin and also decided to break my water.  This did not feel good.

Within two minutes, I felt EVERYTHING.  I felt as if I had been thrown into the middle of active labor, feeling every contraction at full force.  Within 15 minutes I could have sworn I was in transition (the point in labor when your body moves from first stage labor to second stage, in which every single woman in the world wants to give up).  The interesting thing about the next 4 hours is that it actually went quickly.  While it was the worst pain imaginable and kept telling Chris I was literally going to die, time flew by.  So I labored from 8:30-12:30, in the worst imaginable pain of my life.  My contractions were on top of each other, meaning almost every 2-3 minutes I was having another contraction.  I vomited twice, spent much time laboring on the toilet, and simply could not get comfortable.  I remember thinking about my latest life changing revelation about choice: I can either choose to keep breathing and live or I WILL DIE.  I could have never felt "prepared" for the pain.  And what is interesting is that I went into the labor experience not having any fear during my pregnancy, not assuming it would not be painful, but trusting that I would have the grace I would need in the moments I would need it.  Even though it was to awful for words, it was true.  I was ok.  And I lived.

I have no idea what time is was when I initially requested the epidural.  If I started feeling pain at 8:30 I bet by 9:00 I wanted DRUGS- anything to relieve the pain.  Chris and I had gotten up at 4 that morning to get to work early, I had not eaten lunch for literally the first time in my pregnancy because we were planning to go out and celebrate after our appointment, and in the chaos of the change of plans I had not eaten supper either.  I had a few snacks, but certainly no appetite which meant I was completely and utterly weak and exhausted.  I had heard what the body goes through during labor paralleled to running a marathon and was ill prepared to "run a marathon" with little energy or stamina.  During each contraction I dreamt of laying down and sleeping.  So I started requesting an epidural at 9:00, and I even remember telling Chris that I literally thought I was in transition because after only 30 minutes I was ready to give up.

I was much more negative in labor than I would have thought or hoped.  I knew what to do to do to make the contractions more manageable- breath, relax my body, and not engage in the pain.  I had studied and practiced for months, but nothing could have prepared me for what I felt.  During some contractions I would even attempt to start dealing with it this way, through calmly breathing through it, but then would start SCREAMING halfway through, "I can't do it.  I can't stay in that place."  To endure intense labor demanded such mental strength which due to the long day and surprising pain I was unable to handle.  So from about 9:00-11:30 I labored and debated getting an epidural.  I told myself I would try to make it one more hour, and see if I had dilated at all.  Due to what I was feeling, I FELT like I should be 7 or 8 cm dilated by this point.  There was certainly something going on in my body.  When the nurse checked me around 12:30 and I was still only 3 cm, that was it.  I requested the epidural, grieved my dreams of a natural labor, and greatly anticipated relief in any form, assuming it would be coming in the next minutes.

The nurse informed me that the epidural was ordered and would be here in 20 minutes.  20 minutes?  I had gotten to the point that each second I survived was miraculous, and enduring 20 more minutes of this pain sounded like 20 more years at that moment.  Somehow I survived, laboring as I had for the past 4 hours, and finally the nurse started directing me to sit on the edge of the bed to receive the epidural, so I knew it was close and honestly could not wait to have that huge needle shoved in my back.  

However, as I was moving to the edge of the bed I had a relentless urge to go to the bathroom (#2).  Now from what I had learned about labor, I knew this meant that the baby was in a position to start pushing.  But in the midst of all of the chaos I just shouted, "I have to poop."  My nurse, also knowing this sensation, looked at me and asked if I thought I needed to start pushing, to which I answered yes.  She checked my cervix again and I will NEVER forget the look on her face when she informed me that I was dilated 8 cm!!  I had progressed 5 cm in the previous 20 minutes of waiting for the epidural to arrive.  So we canceled the epidural and I immediately starting positioning myself to push.

In hindsight, we credit these 5 cm in 20 minutes to first and foremost God!  It was an absolute miracle and gift to have such progress in such a short amount of time.  We also credit the experience to having surrendered.  One of the biggest words we studied in desiring to have a natural labor is surrender.  To let go and trust the body.  I realized that making this decision to get an epidural, for me, was a form of surrender.  It was letting go of my plans, letting my body relax and loosen, and going with the unknowns.  I finally stopped trying to control this labor.  As soon as I had officially decided to get the epidural, my body relaxed in a new way which created a way for my body to function in how God designed it which allowed my cervix to dilate 5 cm in 20 minutes!  

I started pushing at 1:00 (it was officially November 1st now!)  Pushing was another experience that I cannot describe the pain.  I remember that my legs were most tired.  I literally used every single muscle in my entire body to push that girl out.  I recall looking over at Chris at one point and he was on the phone, which was extremely offensive to me at the moment until I realized he was calling Kate and updating her.  If I remember his exact conversation with her- the update was brief.  "Come back; Justie is pushing" was all he had time to say.  I pushed from 1:00 until 2:15 when she finally came out and do not need to relive any of those details!  I had a team of support including my incredible husband, our doula Kate who arrived just in time to meet Eden, our wonderful nurse, and the dr.  

At that initial moment of Eden's entrance to the world, I will confess that my only focus was my body and complete and utter relief.  I remember just letting my body relax, and nothing had felt better in years.  While we wanted Chris to cut the cord after it stopped pulsating, that desire was thrown out the window when it was double wrapped around Eden's neck and she was not breathing on her own.  They cut it immediately and brought her to the other side of the room to get her to breathe.  I remember just sitting there and waiting to hear the cry.  After 2 minutes, I finally heard my daughter's voice.  During this time I was already getting stitched up, which did not feel good.  I thought I would be holding my daughter and breastfeeding for the first time, but I had not even got to see her yet and was already in the next step of pain.  Fortunately the stitching didn't take long as I was informed that I had a second degree tear.  Kate assured me it would heal quickly.

They eventually let me hold Eden for 3-5 minutes, then took her away to check her out for a couple of hours.  Chris got to go with her and Kate stayed with me.  I remember my body shaking out of control for the next 30-40 minutes.  Once I was up for it, I was able to ride in a wheelchair to the nursery and hold her and start breastfeeding.  She latched immediately and ate for a good 30 minutes.

I thought I would have this incredible moment of connection with my daughter, where I would be weeping just looking at her for the first time.  To be honest, I did not have that in those initial hours.  I was absolutely amazed to see her and in love instantly, but not in the way I thought it would "feel."  I was so incredible drained that my first response was relief for my own body.  I also credit this lack of emotional moment to the unique circumstances that I was not able to bond with her immediately like I would have loved to.  While I did get to hold her for 5 minutes and it was amazing, it was not enough time or the right kind of time for that overwhelming emotional sensation to take place.  Those emotional moments came in the following days.  I remember the following night I was holding her skin to skin for hours, and I finally had that moment.  Just looking at her face and weeping.  And I still have those moments, 3 weeks later.  I am absolutely in love and so vulnerable to the world as a piece of my heart is now breathing and moving and walking around outside of me.  I guess I was just surprised that this love did not look or feel the way I thought it would as I imagined giving birth.  I had to work through some initial guilt of not feeling this incredible overwhelming sensation of love and emotion, but after having done that I reconcile my experience with the reality that my love and connection to Eden is not bad or wrong, just different than I had initially expected. And I really do love her more every single day.   

Around 4:30 or 5:00 they moved us to our postpartum room and we got to rest.  I ordered food, took a bath, and relaxed.  I also finally got to spend some quality time holding my little peanut.  We were so blessed because dear friend from college was our postpartum nurse, as we had prayed she would be!  We had just spent Wednesday night with her and her family, and talked about how we were bound to run into her as she worked the ENTIRE weekend and then every other day the following week.  She was our nurse from 7:00 AM- 7:00 PM Friday, Saturday, and she saw us off Sunday when we left the hospital around 1:30 or 2:00 in the afternoon.  It was the most wonderful experience and we were in good hands with Hannah!

Eden is loved by so many people, and they were swarming to come visit and meet her.  Our first guests arrived around 11:00 and kept coming for the majority of the day.  We had a great stay and plan to deliver at Maple Grove Hospital again.  My body was in much more pain than I would have thought for those first days and even week.  Fortunately my mom stayed with us for the first 9 days at home, which was the most wonderful thing.  I did not move at all, only to take my two baths a day.  My main job was feeding Eden and holding her and snuggling with her all day long.  It was wonderful.

In reflecting on our birth story, although not much of the labor went as planned, it was good.  Even though it is not a perfect story, it is our story that we will cherish.  The overall goal from the beginning is to have a healthy baby and a healthy mom, which is exactly how the story of Eden's birth ends.  She is absolutely gorgeous and we are overwhelmed that God has given us such an incredible gift. 

The name Eden means delight, and we chose this name for her because when finding out we were pregnant we were overwhelmed, kind of like the feeling when someone gives you a gift that you don't deserve and you feel guilty, like you need to pay that person back somehow.  We kind of felt that way initially, and God assured us that this was a gift, that we didn't deserve it, and that the only way to "pay Him back" was to delight in her and in the absolute gift of grace that she is.  

We will spend the rest of our lives as parents delighting in her as a thank you to our Father, who has given us more than we could have ever asked for or imagined or thought in our little Eden Jane.  We are blessed.  

October: Embracing the Mundane

The calling for this month was clear from the beginning: SLOW DOWN. Do not rush through the seemingly mundane moments of life. With the recent revelations about relaxing and rest, it is no surprise that slowing down would follow. 

This calling to slow down was brought to mind through the reminder of a simple and life changing vision I had a few years ago when I started teaching. It was the end of the first school year I had taught and I was sitting in my classroom looking out at my students and saying goodbye on the last day of school. I realized I didn't know them. I had just spent 8 hours a day with them for 9 months, more than their parents on school days, and I did not know them. I had never really listened to them, never really looked into their eyes to know what they needed and how I as their teacher could meet their needs in the time we had together.

This revelation then turned into a horrible nightmare when a flash forward to my child's wedding day came and I had this same experience: looking at my daughter in her wedding dress, ready to give her away, and realizing that I had missed the moments of her life. That sure, I was around every day and was a mom to her and met her physical needs and clothed her and fed her and disciplined her and went to her activities and events, but I had never slowed down enough to really know her, to really listen, to really meet her holistic needs, and to really enjoy her. And this revelation devastated me and sent me into a desperate desire to change.

To slow down and lighten up and enjoy life as it flies by.

As I try to articulate my desire, it is almost like I want to stand in a raging rushing river and open my body and widen my stance and position myself to slow down that raging current. My life has been busy this past year, and I do not see that busyness or the needs or demands for my attention or energy slowing down any time soon, but rather quickening as I will soon bear a life that will depend on my husband and me. Rather than trying to swim with the current and speed up my life, as I have been doing, I want to stand in the middle of the busyness and the needs and just be. Just take a deep breath and look around and enjoy every moment of this journey.

The well-known slogan, the days are long but the years are short, has been shared with me at least five times by five different moms this month and it is something I want to remember and post in our home in hopes of creating an urgency to embrace the moment and truly invest in our daughter's life at each developmental stage. To hold my newborn and look at her and study her wrinkly toes and teeny nose and to soak up every moment of motherhood as it will be gone in the blink of an eye.

One of my dear mentors recently said, "It lasts 15 second. The newborn and baby stage is gone in 15 seconds." I do not want to get distracted as I so easily can by the details of grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and keeping everything in its place. I want to enjoy each moment and release a level of control I have tried to place on my life by recognizing that we are here for such a short time and enjoying and delighting in my daughter.

As much as I want to do this as a mother, if I start this month I realize that I am not a mother yet. My opportunity during this month of October was to do this with my husband. To enjoy the last times we had together as just the two of us. To look at him and listen when he told me about his day and to slow down and calm my spinning mind as to what things we still need to buy and what clothes I still need to wash and what items we still need to get into the hospital bag. Ecclesiastes 3:1 speaks of how life is seasonal, always changing. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." I want to enjoy each season life offers rather than wishing certain parts of certain seasons away. The parallels to our four seasons here in the Midwest create a perfect opportunity to practice this habit. Rather than complaining because summer is too hot and winter brings too much snow and fall is too short and spring is too muddy, to find something about each season to enjoy and to truly give thanks for the good each has to bring. I want to do this in my life as well. To look at my life through the lens of the gifts and the goodness of each season and to truly enjoy.

My husband and I watched the movie Clickthis month which gives a perfect picture of how we can go into autopilot to rush through the parts of life we find mundane. I hate watching this movie because it is watching the nightmare of my daughter on her wedding day unfold. It is the perfect picture of rushing through life and swimming with the current to speed up the parts we dread and missing the moments. But I sucked it up and watched it for the sake of this idea, to remember to embrace the mundane moments in life. And I wept. I don't mean got teary eyed or even cried a little, I mean I WEPT the entire movie and for two hours after and cried myself to sleep and woke up looking like I had been hit by a bus because my face was so puffy from sobbing. The message of the movie, to slow down and embrace every gift life has to offer, hit something so incredibly close to home as I enter this season of parenting.

I want to slow down. I want to enter that place of rest that God has promised in which I can enjoy the life He has given me at each stage. I did not want to wish away this month just hoping our daughter would come or go into autopilot until I am more comfortable or my body is not so swollen or my back is not in pain, but I dared to enjoy each moment of waiting as well as each miraculous breath we took.

I was fortunate enough to hear Priscilla Shier speak recently and will end with this thought she shared which adds to my desire to embrace the mundane. She was speaking at a women's conference with some 20,000 women and was sharing how honored she was to be there and what an incredible ministry opportunity it was for her. Through watching her and listening to her my desire to become an author and speaker was growing and I was amazed at her opportunity to speak to so many women, praying that someday God would give me the gift of such a ministry. But then, as my mind was wandering, one word she said stuck out to me which caused me to snap back into active listening as I was scrambling to understand, assuming I had misheard. She said she viewed this form of ministry (public speaking and writing) as her secondary ministry. I was instantly intrigued to wonder what her PRIMARY form of ministry was, how was she able to reach more than 20,000 people in one swoop?

She went on to say that her first ministry is to her husband and how the goal of her life is that at the end of his life when he stands before Christ, that Jesus will say to him, "Well done good and faithful servant." She was focusing on the reality that she, as his wife, could partner with him to help him become all that God desires him to be and help support him in doing all that God has called him to do. And this is her primary form of ministry. She also then talked about how her position as a mom presents the exact same opportunity, to help her children be all that God has created them to be.

I love this. My primary form of ministry is ALWAYS to my family, regardless of what other ministry opportunities God sends my way. My deepest desire is to create a space and be a support for my family to be all that God has created them to be. And many of these ministry opportunities will come in the form of seemingly meaningless, mundane moments at home together that would be so tempting to fly through with a focus on the details of our environment rather than the endless amount of life giving relational opportunities and teachable moments. Daily meals around the dinner table. Conversations in bed before falling asleep. Afternoon walks outside. Stressful Sunday mornings trying to get everyone ready for church and out the door looking halfway presentable. I have to make an intentional choice to enter into the ministry opportunity before me day and night.

I want to slow down. I want to enjoy every moment of my life. I want to embrace the mundane.

Habit #10: Slow Down

September: Approaching the Promised Land

I love that God speaks to us.  And I love that His Words are divine and so much more than mine could ever be.  And I love that God works within His own timing, not ours.  I have been so tired this month, particularly this week, and today is the one foreseeable day I would be able to sleep in, however I woke up at my usual work time on this Saturday morning and I was overwhelmed with revelation about the past month that I simply had to document.  Oh well.  :)  So here is what is bursting out of my spirit at 5:00 AM.  The revelation and command this month is to rest, which is ironic considering the early Saturday morning.  As much as I love sleep, I love being woken up by the Holy Spirit and I am so thankful for revelation, whenever it comes.  

This month it was revealed to me that entering this season of parenting, for us, is like entering a promised land.  We have been so anticipating the arrival of our children since the beginning of our marriage, and the reality that someday we could become parents is a promise we have clung to tightly.  I was at an incredible conference and was able to have four days to just sit and listen and receive.  In hindsight I can see that the timing of this conference was the perfect bridge from our past to our future as parents.  There were wonderful speakers and testimonies and it was through listening to another girl's story of what God has done in her life as well as reflecting on my own journey that I heard the invitation from God to enter into this promised land of parenting.  I kept hearing the word promised land, so I received it even though I did not quite know what that meant.  In my reflection of being at this conference for four whole days, the word started to open like a flower blooming in the spring as I was able to connect how we have been on a journey to a promised land just like the Israelites.  In thinking back and remembering the first day we found out about our daughter's life, the best way I can remember it was like finding a sign of hope that there is life after death.  I felt like my husband and I were wandering around in a desert, and suddenly we found a spring of water or saw a green plant sticking out of the ground.  Seeing the blue line on the pregnancy test was our first sign of this amazing new life God desires to give us.  As we continue to say, our daughter's life is our deepest delight as she is a constant reminder that He is gracious.  

And then as we continued on this incredible journey of pregnancy we continued to see more signs of life each month. Literally.  It was as if the further we walked through this desert, the less sand and heat and the more green trees and springs we saw.  Hearing our daughter's heartbeat for the first time was like seeing a huge tree in the middle of a dry and sandy place.  Watching my belly grow, seeing her tiny face at the ultrasound, feeling her move, and now being able to SEE it is like we are literally approaching a whole new territory FLOWING with goodness.  This month was full of that miraculous experience of literally seeing my belly bumping around.  We have an active little girl.  We can see all of the incredible things coming as we continue to walk towards parenting.  The signs of life are so indescribably wonderful, and I can't imagine that in about a month I will hear her first cry and meet her as we truly cross the threshold into this promised land. I think about hearing that sound every single day.  And at the sound of her first cry, I envision it like crossing a finish line of a long and at times painful race that our life has been in recent years.  

As I studied this idea of a promised land more (Numbers 13), I learned a few things about the Israelites in their journey through the wilderness into their promised land.  I learned that... 

1. They were afraid.  (Numbers 13:32-33)  The Israelites were afraid to enter this promised land because of the giants that were living there and they said they felt like grasshoppers in comparison.  As an outsider to their experience, I want to scream at them and say, "Do you really think God would abandon you now?  He has prepared this incredible place for you, called the PROMISED LAND, and you are afraid to go there?  After all He has brought you through?  You have no reason to be afraid."  Personalizing this text for our own promised land journey, while I do not feel particularly scared or terrified of parenting, there are certainly parts of this unknown season that bring some general concern and doubt as I have no idea what it will be like or what to do.  I have heard it is a learning on the job type of experience, and was able to identify some fears I have in parenting.  In this context of this promised land parallel, I am feeling called to release my fear. 

2. They were called to enter the place of rest. (Hebrews 4)  The bible says that they could not enter the promised land because they could not enter His rest.  I took this for myself as saying that if I do not learn how to find that place of rest that God offers to us, I will not be able to receive this wonderful new season of a promised land.  That walking this out is my choice, and it comes with obeying the command to enter His rest.  And the little I have been able to learn and study this month, the more I want to learn about this idea of rest.  I do not think this command for my husband and I is one to "sleep more" or "do less" because our promised land is potentially full of sleepless nights and infinite tasks as I really cannot imagine the demands of a child.  But I do believe there is a place that we can go in which we can rest, even in busyness.  And I am excited to learn more about that.  

This process of wanting to create one new habit a month has been slowed, and I am committing to spending the rest of this year studying and pressing into this idea and habit of finding this place of rest that God offers to all of us.  The promise that was revealed to me in line with this pursuit is found in Matthew 11:28-30.  Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest in your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

I have committed to confessing this verse EVERY DAY for the next year of my life.  The more I read it and meditate on it, the more I realize I have no idea how to rest.  I have no idea how to find that place.  But I trust and believe that this promise God made will come to pass as I continue to press towards it and as I ask.  My latest confessions have sounded something like this, "God you have said that we can come to you when we are weary and burdened, and You have promised us that You will give us rest.  This is a busy season of my life that seems as if it will only get busier in the upcoming months and years, but I press into find that place of rest that you have offered.  I desire to walk at your pace of life and live with an easy burden and light yoke that you extend to me.  Show me how to be a teacher and wife and friend and now mom all at the same time.  Teach me the unforced rhythms of grace as I enter this season of parenting and show me the pace of life that you desire." 

3. The promised land is flowing with milk and honey. (Exodus 33:3)  In the description of the promised land, the Israelites were offered a place that is FLOWING with milk and honey.  When I looked up the word flowing I found: graceful, without interruption, proceed smoothly and continuously, easily, abounding in, having excess.  I took this for our story to mean that the transition into this season of parenting will flow and the adjustment will be easy.  We are still in a place of adjusting to all of the ways our life and dreams and plans have changed, and while that is no longer a painful experience we are still in the midst of it.  And I believe this new transition and adjustment of adding another member into this family will be smooth.  I choose to speak out that this transition will be easy, continuous, and abounding in fruit.  I see the promised land of our life as parents as a place full of life and trees bearing much fruit.  And I believe my husband and I will flourish as parents.  Not because we know what we are doing or will not make mistakes, but because we are confident that God will guide us as we seek to raise our daughter to know Him.  When thinking that the promised land for the Israelites was flowing with milk and honey, it was revealed to me that our promised land will be flowing with life, productivity, provision, health, support, gifts, energy, joy, and delight.  

Now all we have to do is learn how to enter that place of rest to receive all that God has for us.   

*As a side note, another great truth I discovered is that everyone's wilderness and promised land experiences are so vastly different.  I have friends for whom getting pregnant has been a wilderness.  One couple we know and love had to wait SEVEN YEARS before they were able to conceive.  I cannot imagine how painful that time was.  Seven years.  And now they have two gorgeous children. I have other friends for whom having a newborn has been a wilderness experience full of dryness, insane hormones and baby blues, no sleep, and non-stop colic.   Our wilderness was a different experience entirely.  I realized that our promised land may be someone's wilderness just like our wilderness may have been someone's promised land.  As I have wrestled with the seeming injustice of watching friends struggle with what has come so easily to us, I have learned that we each have our own journey and that comparing is so unproductive as no one's pain or struggle can be compared to another.  But I do believe that just like we all have a wilderness season, we ALL get a season of promised land.  We do not have to stay stuck in the wilderness, as the wilderness experience always leads to a promised land.  And I am not claiming that this promised land will be the new place we camp out and live for the rest of our lives, but I do believe that this upcoming this season will be one of ease, rest, and promises being fulfilled in our lives.  There is power in naming your wilderness and promised land, I am confident that we are all offered both. 

Habit #9: Rest 

August: Take A Deep Breath

My goal this month was to enter a place of rest and to relax.  Literally, to hibernate and sleep as much as possible as I know that may be something we will be short of in the months ahead.  But even more than that, to enter a place of rest in my lifestyle.  To set my intense and focused and disciplined and activator personality aside and enter a place of rest and relaxation in how I spend my time and what I allow to take place in my thinking.  That was my goal at the beginning of the month, and as the month comes to a close I can say that I did ok.

The relevance of this goal was confirmed as we began to take child birth classes and on the first night of class, August 1st, the teacher introduced the idea of having a successful labor to one specific word: relaxation.  We have spent the entire month learning about the importance of relaxing accompanied by specific skills as to how to relax.  Breathing techniques, stretches, and relaxation activities were just a few of the strategies we have learned about and practiced this past month.  And the timing for such a challenge could not have come at a better time as this month has been filled with chaos as the beginning of a new school year came way to early this year.  School is ALWAYS intense for me as I want to get every book labeled and in its place, every lesson perfectly planned, and every pencil sharpened before the students arrive.  Not to mention school, we are now one month closer to baby time.

The financial crunch feels tighter and tighter as we approach the unknown medical bills that come with having a baby along with 3 months without pay during maternity leave.  My husband's new job comes with incredible benefits, which all three of us will be eligible for on November 1st.  Our guess date as to when our little peanut could enter the world is October 31, so we are surely cutting it close.  Basically we are in a situation where if she is born in October the cost will be around $2,700 which is my out of pocket maximum and if she is born in November it could potentially be a few hundred dollars or less as I will have a primary and a secondary insurance plan.  Here we are again, forced to trust that God is in control and that He will provide for us and meet every need.  And as I see the chaos lingering in front of me, I choose now to relax.  I choose now to lay it down.  I choose now to trust.  I intentionally position myself to enter a place of rest and relaxation even in chaos.  To quiet my mind and body and relax.  To stay in that place where I KNOW that God is enough and that He will meet all of our needs.

An incredible revelation I had this month which is linked into this idea of relaxation can best be described through a quote from Joyce Meyer:

It is easy to trust God when things are going well.  But when things are not going well we develop character by trusting God in our difficult situations.  And the more character we develop, the more our ability can be released  That is why I say that stability releases ability.  The more stable we become, the more our ability will be released because God will know that He can trust us.

Many people have gifts that can take them to places where their character cannot keep them. Gifts are given, but character is developed.  ...  By disciplining our emotions, our mouths, and our moods, we become stable enough to remain peaceful whatever our circumstances, so that we can walk in the fruit of the Spirit- whether we feel like it or not.  The more stable we become, the more our ability can be released through us.

I underlined the part that stood out to me.  I have been given gifts of being focused, disciplined, hard working, and driven.  I can easily tune out the world to work on a project or complete a task.  And while this part of who I am and how I function is a strength, it also reveals my greatest weakness when it pulls me away from relationships and blocks me from being able to engage in relaxation.  This gift of discipline can cause me to get easily distracted and this discipline can snowball out of control to a place in which my body is lacking rest and my mind is lacking peace.  For example, in my classroom I can get more concerned with typing out detailed lesson plans for what I am going to teach when there is a student right in front of me who needs my full attention.  At home I can get so caught up in cleaning our home that I rarely sit and enjoy it.

The lesson I learned this month and the key to my success in this pregnancy and in my future life as a parent, is to relax.  Is to lighten up.  To keep one eye on my tasks and one eye on others and also on my self and my body and what I need.  There have been days this month where I have not sat down until 8:00 pm.  (This is why I said the month of "relaxing" was ok.)  Were there really nonstop NEEDS that I was pursuing?  No, but I managed to find things to clean and put away and straighten up and went a little over the top at school and home trying to get everything in its place before my precious baby comes and steals all of my time and attention.  And while I have gifts, I need those gifts to be disciplined and developed so that I can be used by God.  So that my character can keep me in a place in which I can truly operate in my gifts. I identified that this inability to relax, to know when to rest, is one of my greatest weaknesses which is holding me back from all that God could do in and through me.  I was convicted as I called to mind the command God has given us to rest.  Exodus 2:8 says, "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God."  This is a discipline we plan to maintain as a family, especially when our daughter is born. 

My biggest fear as a parent is that I will be more focused on meeting my daughter's needs (feeding, laundering, changing clothes, cleaning bottles) that I will miss the precious moments with her.  I have this bad habit of living in the future, either one day or week or month ahead of the present in attempts to stay on top of things.  I am learning to discipline my mind to stay present and to live day by day.  I had a nightmare years ago that haunts me to this day: it projected my life years into the future when I have adult children and one day I woke up and realized that I had missed their lives.  I had been so focused on tasks, on checking off to do lists, on grocery shopping and finishing laundry and having a neat house and making meals and getting things done, that I had missed the moments.  I didn't know them as adults.  And this terrified me and made me realize that in order to parent, I need to change.  I want to change.  I want to learn how to relax.  How to sit and rest.  How to enjoy.  How to just be present in the moment.  And I am still learning.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  Philippians 4:6
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:34

My soul finds rest in God alone. Psalm 62:1-2

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let your heart not be troubled nor let it be fearful.  John 14:27

Habit #8: Relax

July: Confessing the Word

Because last month was so overwhelming and I bit off way more than I could chew, I successfully got back on pace this month with a more structured habit that we have already began to implement into our lives.  Despite the incredible power and fruit we have seen from this spiritual discipline, before this month began I realized that in the midst of so many new and wonderful things to think about (aden and anais bibs or babies r us bibs?  Neutral colors or girly pink?)  this life changing habit had slipped off our radar.  I refer to this discipline as structured because it is not as ambiguous as "learning about labor" and simply takes 5 minutes a day.  Let me tell you that those are 5 of the most power packed minutes of the day, and I can speak from the experience of having kept this discipline in the past of which I am still reaping fruit.  It is simple after the footwork.  This habit and life changing discipline I am referring to is confessing the Word of God.  I was initially exposed to this concept through Joyce Meyer, and she explains it much better than I could.

When we speak what we believe as the Psalmist did in Psalm 116:10, we are making a "confession."  I recommend having a list of confessions- statements or declarations that can be backed by the Word of God- things you can speak aloud over your life, your family, your circumstances, and your future.  

And my husband and I did this that entire year of pain during his legal situation.  We did this.  We typed out the Word and all that we were standing on and believing for and asking for.  We prayed and confessed those truths daily in our own home and handed that list out to dozens of prayer warriors to stand and pray and agree with us.  And our lives today are fruit of those declarations.  Our baby girl is fruit that God can move our sins as far as the east is from the west.  I think I confessed that promise more than any other during the past year.  I remember walking into the court room on the day he was going to be sentenced and asking God to SHOW ME how far the east is from the west.  And here we are.  27 weeks after his release we are 27 weeks closer to meeting our baby girl.  Our testimony and delight and reminder of our gracious Father.  

So my husband and I sat down again at the beginning of this month to write a new list of confessions.  A new list of promises we can find in the Word and CLAIM, not because we deserve them, but because God promised them to us.  Sometimes I have felt like I got this 20 dollars off coupon from target with NO restrictions (unheard of, right) and I don't go to ever cash it in.  That is how I feel I treat God's word and His promises at times.  They are right there, lingering.  But we must activate them.  So at the beginning of this month we wrote down all of the promises we were confessing as our own.  Our most current weakness has been finances.  I feel as if every day that goes by, as we approach the unknown financial needs of raising a child, my faith and trust in God has slipped one tiny notch.  So many of our confessions are declarations of what God has promised us in regards to finances.  Others are promises we pray and believe and confess over our daughter.  

Our list is long (at the end we always say, we want it all!) but here are a few highlights...

With our finances:

*Give and it will be given to you- a good measure.  Pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be poured into your lap.  For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  Luke 6:38

MEN WILL GIVE UNTO US

*And this same God who takes care of me will supply all of your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19

GOD WILL MEET EVERY NEED

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten away.  Joel 2:25

GOD WILL RESTORE WHAT WAS EATEN AWAY

*Those who seek the Lord [by the right of their need and on the authority of His word], none of them will lack any beneficial thing.  Psalm 34:10

WE WILL HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED

*Remember this- whoever sows sparingly will reap sparingly and whoever sows generously will reap generously.  Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.  2 Corinthians 9:6-7

CONTINUE TO GIVE AND WE WILL REAP

*Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth... but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Matthew 19-21

MAINTAIN PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT REALLY MATTERS

With our daughter:

*Our daughter will make right choices according to the Word of God.  Isaiah 54:14

*Our daughter will walk and live habitually in the Holy Spirit.  She will be responsive to and guided by the Spirit.  Galatians 5:16

*Our daughter will have the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the deep and intimate knowledge of God. Her eyes will be flooded with light, so that she can know the hope to which He has called her, and how rich is His glorious inheritance for all of the saints.  Ephesians 1:17-18

*God has filled our daughter with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.  She will live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, strengthened with all power according to His glorious might.  Colossians 1:9-10

*When our daughter commands a mountain in her life to move, it will move according to her faith.  Matthew 17:20

This simple 5 minute practice of confessing these truths and promises aloud, together, has reminded us yet again of the power of speaking, confessing, and praying God's Word.  When we don't know what else to pray, His word guides us.  We have seen incredible fruit this season.  We have seen MEN GIVING UNTO US.  We had our first baby shower and it was a smaller one with close family members and the gifts people brought blew our minds.  Their generosity and creativity was more than we could have ever asked for or imagined or thought.  This month we received a hand sewn quilt from a lady at our old church- sent to us in the mail.  What an incredible blessing!  Beyond the incredible gifts- we received checks- literally checks have shown up to meet needs.  This word that we have confessed and asked for has been activated and we have been blessed this month with more than we could have ever asked for or imagined or thought.

Even beyond the financial, other needs have been met.  An incredible family allowed us to stay at their cabin to celebrate 3 years of marriage this month!  Plus we already have an incredible childcare situation in place for when I go back to work in February!  What an incredible relief, and from talking with other friends who have recently had babies, it is almost unheard of for such a decision to already be decided so early on before the baby is even born.

The fruit we have seen so far gives us confidence that these truths we continue to confess will continue to manifest themselves in our lives.  That EVERY SINGLE NEED will be met.  That the generosity of those in our lives will continue to bless us in small and huge ways, and that God will be enough for us in every way.

And while we have not met our baby girl yet, we are confident that the truths we are confessing over her life will come to pass as we activate the power of prayer and God's word.  We cannot wait to meet her!  This is certainly one habit worth maintaining!

Habit #7: Confess God's Word

June: One Big Step

I did it again.  Despite my deepest desire to pace this pregnancy month by month with grace and calmness, taking one manageable step at a time, I attempted a teensy sprint which got me running out of control and feeling completely overwhelmed.  Within a two day span I had written the first draft of my entire birthing plan and attempted to register for everything, while also trying to balance the regular load of work I have plus editing a book and being a good wife and friend and healthy spiritual being.  I took all of that on at one moment, which resulted in a very overwhelmed pregnant lady.  As a side note, this two day span in which I chose to attempt a "sprint" happened to be on the two busiest and most tiring days of the year for a teacher, the last two days of school.  I feel like all of the tangible tasks that needed to be done in my classroom kick started this spiral situation in which I got on a "roll" and then suddenly applied that to every single area of my life, trying to take everything on at once to just be done so I could have my summer and truly relax.  

But then I got even more overwhelmed, if that was possible, because I realized that this demand for my time and energy is not going to end anytime soon.  Except that these things I "need to do" right now are not really legitimate stressors, and that in about 4 months the things I will "need to do" are really going to be actually life and death things like not only continuing to care for my high maintenance self but also an entire life who will be completely dependent on me (and my husband).  Help me Jesus.  -June 13 

As my diary entry reveals, this month was packed full of activity and as I sit down to reflect it feels like we have come one big step closer to meeting our miracle in the flesh as the information we have received this month has made the reality that we will soon have a child insanely real.  While I feel much more calm than I did during that entry, I look back and see that it was quite a month filled to the brim.  Because of my lack of pacing, it is only in hindsight that I can identify that there were actually two completely separate focuses and habits that we tried to implement this month, and therefore there are two main forces of this huge giant, man step which can be best summarized in the headings: labor discussions and finding out the gender!

1. Labor Discussions.

There is a reason I was very intentional to take this pregnancy month but month; from the moment I saw that blue line there was one lingering thought, one lingering day to be specific, that has brought enough concern to force myself to create some planning boundaries- LABOR.  From the beginning, I have been dreading thinking, reading, or talking about delivery.  I am not exactly sure why, but I think my lack of awareness as to my own physical strength is overwhelming to me along with my general lack of education about labor and fear of pain.  In this month of finally opening the door I instantly closed upon becoming pregnant, I have talked with just about every kind of woman in the entire world- those who knew they would have never made it without as many drugs as possible to those who have complete confidence in their physical stamina and strength.  I have talked with woman who have accepted an epidural from the moment they entered to room to those who have hired Doulas in their quest and desire to have a natural labor, and just about everyone in between.

After the month I can conclude that I have a desire to deliver this baby as naturally as possible and healthily for the child and I.  There is NOTHING I am opposed to and nothing planned at this point, just ideas.  I am thankful for so many women who were willing to be so open with me as to share the intimate experience of their labor and delivery.  Besides our many wonderful friends, my husband and I started learning about this new topic by attending some amazing classes through the childbirth collective center.  Through sitting through these sessions, I have learned what kinds of questions to ask myself when writing a birthing plan.  And the biggest question that surfaced which we have spent much time in prayer about is: what kind of labor do I want?

My revelation was that I want my delivery to be a worship experience, and the atmosphere to be that of a worship service.  Anointed.  Thick.  Safe.  Free.  Low lights.  Music.  Prayer.  Scripture.  Power.

I attended a concert this month and was extremely aware of the atmosphere in the room throughout the night having this idea of a delivery/worship experience on my radar.  There seemed to be an openness in the room.  I saw many people weeping.  I saw people on their faces before their Father.  There was a release of pain in the room.  I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in an indescribable way.  There was healing and breakthroughs and incredible power.  It was as if I was sitting in the natural world, but also as if there were twinklings of the supernatural.  And this is the same atmosphere I desire to be in when I deliver my child into the world.  That the miracle of what I am so remarkably invited to be a part of would take my breath away (not literally, I learned a lot of important breathing techniques!)  That I would engage in the experience of such a miraculous moment of time.  That I would access and activate the power and presence of Jesus Christ as I walk on this conveyer belt to much pain.

And however this unfolds, so be it.  At this point I don't really care about drugs or not, I care about a healthy baby and healthy mama and a supernatural experience.  What an incredible lesson, to stay open and trust that this near death experience (as a few have worded it throughout the month) will end well, with a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, healthy baby girl.   Oops.  I've already slipped.  Onto our next point.

Habit #6a: Learn about labor and delivery. 

2. Our Little Baby Girl.  

I can't even describe to you how incredibly wonderful it is to have discovered this month that inside my womb right now is a precious little girl.  Even the thought of it makes me emotional for so many reasons.  While it would be dishonest to not bring up the fact that we were initially shocked to discover such news, that was most certainly a spiritual experience rather than preference.  Never once did we claim to "want" a boy, we were just certain that we were having one.  Remember the entire month of April that we set aside to pray about names, coming together at the end of the month with total confidence of both having heard the same name?  Well that name was CLEARLY a boy's name.  Our confidence and certainty that we were expecting a boy came from this and other supernatural promptings and visions we believe we had seen and heard over the past months and even years.  It was a great lesson for my husband and I to recognize that we were very, very wrong, that we have much to learn about discernment and visions, and that we are not, in fact, God and never will figure Him out.  And once we got over the spiritual shock, then the true reaction of sheer thrill and delight came as God's plan and gift of a girl also came like a rushing wind and overwhelmed us both with absolute awe and wonder.

You see, just 22 weeks ago now my husband was walking out of jail.  Only a gracious and merciful Father would look at my dear husband, the moment he stepped out of jail, and say to him, "Yes-I trust you with a daughter," who we can later confirm was conceived shortly after his release.  This miracle of a girl reveals God's gracious character in such an overwhelming way.

It testifies to God's Word when it says:

Psalm 103:11-12, For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy towards those who fear Him.  As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Hebrews 8:12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and lawless deeds I will remember no more.  NKJV

Hebrews 10:17  I will not remember their sins and evil deeds any longer.

2 Corinthians 5:19  God did not keep an account of their sins.

Isaiah 43:25 I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.

Jeremiah 31:34 I will forgive their sins and I will not longer remember their wrongs.  I, the Lord, have spoken.

God has so quickly forgotten and purified our past.  I went back to read the January post about "White as Snow" and this little girl kicking and moving inside me PROVES that this is true.  We believe parenting is stewardship, and that God would forgive and forget and then trust us to raise His daughter is too much for words.   Her life is a testimony and will constantly remind us that God is gracious.  

As we are in awe of our gracious father, one word we have gotten is to delight in our daughter.  This word came to us through the inspiration of a scripture that we cling to so tightly in our own understanding of our Father's love for us and now for our daughter as well.  "For the Lord your God is living among you.  He is a mighty savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With His love, He will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."  Zephaniah 3:17  This word delight stood out to us, and when I look that up in the dictionary.com it says: a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy- something that gives great pleasure.

No problem obeying that command.  My husband declared that he was going to wear pink every day until she is born, he now reads and sings to her often, and we can't stop wondering and dreaming and planning and thinking and talking about her.  We can't stop staring at her little profile in the ultrasound picture we were given.  The way the ultrasound worked is that they showed us everything else before revealing her gender, and so we got to see her for a good 45 minutes before we know it was "her."  Even though we walked into the room with confidence in our boy name and theory, once we saw her face and before we knew she was a she, we both kind of looked at each other with bewilderment and without needing to say anything had the same thought," She is way too beautiful to be a boy."

Delighting in her has been the easiest command we have yet received and we can imagine that this will only deepen as we approach that incredible day when we get to meet her face to face.  And we KNOW that as deeply as we delight in and love and cherish our baby girl, that God's love for her is infinitely greater than ours will ever reach. And that, too, has overwhelmed us this month.

This little girl will be our deepest delight and constant proof that God is gracious.

 Everyone who thought it was going to be a boy...

"Everyone" who thought it was going to be a girl...

 Two excited grandmas!

Habit #6b: Delight in our daughter.