Our due date was Halloween, and from the beginning we had been praying that she would not be born on this day. Now only 4% of babies are born on their due date, so our chances were pretty good that she would come on a different day. Not only were we hoping to avoid a Halloween baby for her birthday's sake, but we also had an insurance glitch. Chris's new job provided an opportunity for him to carry his own health insurance! His new job has unofficially been in the works since early May, and officially since he was accepted into his electrician apprenticeship and began attending school in September. The way the timing worked out, he was eligible to receive benefits NOVEMBER 1! If Eden would have been born in October, we would have been charged my max out of pocket through my health insurance plan, which is around $2,700. Overall, that is great coverage for labor and delivery and we are thankful for my health insurance. However, if Eden were to be born in November, we had been told that the labor and delivery would be 100% covered because I would have my primary health insurance plan cover the majority of the costs, then this new secondary health insurance plan would take care of the rest. While we do not quite yet understand all of the details, we started praying for a November baby.
Now towards the last month of my pregnancy I started getting VERY uncomfortable, so November 1st became the date we were praying and asking for as the earliest possible moment considering the health insurance situation! There is also the added fact that Chris and I got engaged on November 1st, 2009 and we thought it would be fun to add another milestone to that special date. So for months we and many prayer warriors had been praying that Eden would come into the world on November 1st, and as the days of October ticked we were more and more relieved. By the time our due date rolled around, a little smile crept across our face. We had made it to November!
We had scheduled our standard weekly appointment on our due date, simply to check in and see how things were going. The appointment I had a week earlier was SO quick that I assumed this one would be the same way. We had carpooled to work that morning and had some errands to run after the appointment and were planning on going out to eat to celebrate having made it to November! When arriving at the dr. I always have to leave a urine sample, get a weight check, and then blood pressure. After having completed all of these tasks we walked into the little waiting room, and when our midwife walked in we had huge smiles on our faces. She knew about our health insurance situation and we smiled big, saying, "We made it!" I knew that because I was not in labor at 4:00 on October 31st that we were in the clear. There is no way I was going to have this baby today.
Our midwife had an unsettled look on her face and almost in a whisper said, "Almost. You almost made it. We found protein in your urine and your blood pressure is unusually high, which means you are trending towards preeclamspia. The only solution to preeclamspsia is to get the baby out. I am sorry, you need to be induced today."
Induced? One thing I forgot to mention in the introduction to our birth story is that we had some specific desires for this birth, the main one being that it be unmedicated. While I would never ever think twice about anyone else's choice to use medication during labor, for some reason I had the desire to do it naturally. I am convinced that God designed my body perfectly to have this baby and was so hoping to deliver Eden without the assistance of any medication. Upon hearing that I would be induced, I thought of our birth plan which had one specific request in bold: AVOID PITOCIN AT ALL COSTS. Because pitocin is the drug used to induce, that changed EVERYTHING.
I adjusted surprisingly well to the new plan because my body was more than ready. I had been feeling particularly uncomfortable in the recent weeks and was done working, done teaching first grade, done waddling around, done changing shoes 5 times a day to avoid the discomfort that came from the swelling, done not sleeping, done done done. Half of my was relieved and ready to go, while the other half was completely shocked and partially terrified.
I seemed to adjust better than Chris, who immediately freaked out. He was asking all of these questions about money and finances and insurance and payments and finally I had to be very stern with him, reminding him that God is not surprised by the sudden turn of events, that He will meet all of our needs, that I would be having a baby in the next 12-24 hours, and that I desperately needed his stability and support.
Our midwife checked me to find out I was dilated 2 cm, which we all agreed is better than nothing. She escorted us immediately to the hospital where we were admitted to a room and told to get comfortable. They initially took my blood to do some blood work while we settled in. Because it's me, I of course threw the hospital bags into the back of the car that morning "just in case," but never in my wildest dreams thought we would USE them so I had forgotten the 2 most important things- the ipods and camera. We called Erik, Chris's brother, to bring us those items and slowly started updating people that we would be having a baby soon. Employers, moms, and our closest friends were informed first.
We spent the next 4 hours transitioning physically through settling into our room and mentally through trying to wrap our minds around the reality that we would soon become parents. We grieved our dreams of going into labor naturally, feeling those initial mild contractions, going for a long walk, laboring at home with our Doula Kate, driving to the hospital when I was 4-1-1 (contractions 4 minutes apart, lasting one minute long for one hour), and having our birth story photographed by our friend Melissa. And we both adjusted well, realizing that this was God's story for our little Eden.
The dr. then suggested I take another drug called magnesium sulfate because the trend of preclampsia brought with it the risk of having a seizure during labor. I was told this mag sulfate would make me feel extremely ill, like a horrible case of the flu. While I adjusted just fine to the reality that I would be induced with pitocin, this suggestion brought me to tears instantly. The thought of having the flu was just about the worst possible concept imaginable at that moment, while I was already adjusting to the new plan and preparing my mind and body for labor I just could not reconcile having flu like symptoms on top of everything else my body would be enduring in the upcoming hours. So we stalled for a good hour or two, trying to decide what to do with this mag sulfate decision. We asked for results from the blood work and were happy to discover that my blood work and liver looked good, which gave us the bold confidence to deny the mag sulfate, risking the seizure at the odds that it would not take place. While the dr. was slightly offended and did not agree with our decision, she respected it and moved forward without the drug.
Each step we took was covered in a huge trusting prayer and hope that God was in control.
Around 7:30 PM I was given an IV and pitocin was officially running through my body. I was also checked again and confirmed to be dilated 3 cm. That was good news- progression. It was the strangest experience, to just sit there and wait to be in an incredible amount of pain in a short time. I took a bath, walked around, and waited. I felt completely normal initially, and took this opportunity to rest and eat and pray and prepare myself for what I could only imagine was to come. We were informed that this could take awhile, so we settled in and rested while we could. We sent Kate, our doula, home as we assumed it would be awhile before anything started happening. After an hour of waiting to feel something, they increased the dose of pitocin and also decided to break my water. This did not feel good.
Within two minutes, I felt EVERYTHING. I felt as if I had been thrown into the middle of active labor, feeling every contraction at full force. Within 15 minutes I could have sworn I was in transition (the point in labor when your body moves from first stage labor to second stage, in which every single woman in the world wants to give up). The interesting thing about the next 4 hours is that it actually went quickly. While it was the worst pain imaginable and kept telling Chris I was literally going to die, time flew by. So I labored from 8:30-12:30, in the worst imaginable pain of my life. My contractions were on top of each other, meaning almost every 2-3 minutes I was having another contraction. I vomited twice, spent much time laboring on the toilet, and simply could not get comfortable. I remember thinking about my latest life changing revelation about choice: I can either choose to keep breathing and live or I WILL DIE. I could have never felt "prepared" for the pain. And what is interesting is that I went into the labor experience not having any fear during my pregnancy, not assuming it would not be painful, but trusting that I would have the grace I would need in the moments I would need it. Even though it was to awful for words, it was true. I was ok. And I lived.
I have no idea what time is was when I initially requested the epidural. If I started feeling pain at 8:30 I bet by 9:00 I wanted DRUGS- anything to relieve the pain. Chris and I had gotten up at 4 that morning to get to work early, I had not eaten lunch for literally the first time in my pregnancy because we were planning to go out and celebrate after our appointment, and in the chaos of the change of plans I had not eaten supper either. I had a few snacks, but certainly no appetite which meant I was completely and utterly weak and exhausted. I had heard what the body goes through during labor paralleled to running a marathon and was ill prepared to "run a marathon" with little energy or stamina. During each contraction I dreamt of laying down and sleeping. So I started requesting an epidural at 9:00, and I even remember telling Chris that I literally thought I was in transition because after only 30 minutes I was ready to give up.
I was much more negative in labor than I would have thought or hoped. I knew what to do to do to make the contractions more manageable- breath, relax my body, and not engage in the pain. I had studied and practiced for months, but nothing could have prepared me for what I felt. During some contractions I would even attempt to start dealing with it this way, through calmly breathing through it, but then would start SCREAMING halfway through, "I can't do it. I can't stay in that place." To endure intense labor demanded such mental strength which due to the long day and surprising pain I was unable to handle. So from about 9:00-11:30 I labored and debated getting an epidural. I told myself I would try to make it one more hour, and see if I had dilated at all. Due to what I was feeling, I FELT like I should be 7 or 8 cm dilated by this point. There was certainly something going on in my body. When the nurse checked me around 12:30 and I was still only 3 cm, that was it. I requested the epidural, grieved my dreams of a natural labor, and greatly anticipated relief in any form, assuming it would be coming in the next minutes.
The nurse informed me that the epidural was ordered and would be here in 20 minutes. 20 minutes? I had gotten to the point that each second I survived was miraculous, and enduring 20 more minutes of this pain sounded like 20 more years at that moment. Somehow I survived, laboring as I had for the past 4 hours, and finally the nurse started directing me to sit on the edge of the bed to receive the epidural, so I knew it was close and honestly could not wait to have that huge needle shoved in my back.
However, as I was moving to the edge of the bed I had a relentless urge to go to the bathroom (#2). Now from what I had learned about labor, I knew this meant that the baby was in a position to start pushing. But in the midst of all of the chaos I just shouted, "I have to poop." My nurse, also knowing this sensation, looked at me and asked if I thought I needed to start pushing, to which I answered yes. She checked my cervix again and I will NEVER forget the look on her face when she informed me that I was dilated 8 cm!! I had progressed 5 cm in the previous 20 minutes of waiting for the epidural to arrive. So we canceled the epidural and I immediately starting positioning myself to push.
In hindsight, we credit these 5 cm in 20 minutes to first and foremost God! It was an absolute miracle and gift to have such progress in such a short amount of time. We also credit the experience to having surrendered. One of the biggest words we studied in desiring to have a natural labor is surrender. To let go and trust the body. I realized that making this decision to get an epidural, for me, was a form of surrender. It was letting go of my plans, letting my body relax and loosen, and going with the unknowns. I finally stopped trying to control this labor. As soon as I had officially decided to get the epidural, my body relaxed in a new way which created a way for my body to function in how God designed it which allowed my cervix to dilate 5 cm in 20 minutes!
I started pushing at 1:00 (it was officially November 1st now!) Pushing was another experience that I cannot describe the pain. I remember that my legs were most tired. I literally used every single muscle in my entire body to push that girl out. I recall looking over at Chris at one point and he was on the phone, which was extremely offensive to me at the moment until I realized he was calling Kate and updating her. If I remember his exact conversation with her- the update was brief. "Come back; Justie is pushing" was all he had time to say. I pushed from 1:00 until 2:15 when she finally came out and do not need to relive any of those details! I had a team of support including my incredible husband, our doula Kate who arrived just in time to meet Eden, our wonderful nurse, and the dr.
At that initial moment of Eden's entrance to the world, I will confess that my only focus was my body and complete and utter relief. I remember just letting my body relax, and nothing had felt better in years. While we wanted Chris to cut the cord after it stopped pulsating, that desire was thrown out the window when it was double wrapped around Eden's neck and she was not breathing on her own. They cut it immediately and brought her to the other side of the room to get her to breathe. I remember just sitting there and waiting to hear the cry. After 2 minutes, I finally heard my daughter's voice. During this time I was already getting stitched up, which did not feel good. I thought I would be holding my daughter and breastfeeding for the first time, but I had not even got to see her yet and was already in the next step of pain. Fortunately the stitching didn't take long as I was informed that I had a second degree tear. Kate assured me it would heal quickly.
They eventually let me hold Eden for 3-5 minutes, then took her away to check her out for a couple of hours. Chris got to go with her and Kate stayed with me. I remember my body shaking out of control for the next 30-40 minutes. Once I was up for it, I was able to ride in a wheelchair to the nursery and hold her and start breastfeeding. She latched immediately and ate for a good 30 minutes.
I thought I would have this incredible moment of connection with my daughter, where I would be weeping just looking at her for the first time. To be honest, I did not have that in those initial hours. I was absolutely amazed to see her and in love instantly, but not in the way I thought it would "feel." I was so incredible drained that my first response was relief for my own body. I also credit this lack of emotional moment to the unique circumstances that I was not able to bond with her immediately like I would have loved to. While I did get to hold her for 5 minutes and it was amazing, it was not enough time or the right kind of time for that overwhelming emotional sensation to take place. Those emotional moments came in the following days. I remember the following night I was holding her skin to skin for hours, and I finally had that moment. Just looking at her face and weeping. And I still have those moments, 3 weeks later. I am absolutely in love and so vulnerable to the world as a piece of my heart is now breathing and moving and walking around outside of me. I guess I was just surprised that this love did not look or feel the way I thought it would as I imagined giving birth. I had to work through some initial guilt of not feeling this incredible overwhelming sensation of love and emotion, but after having done that I reconcile my experience with the reality that my love and connection to Eden is not bad or wrong, just different than I had initially expected. And I really do love her more every single day.
Around 4:30 or 5:00 they moved us to our postpartum room and we got to rest. I ordered food, took a bath, and relaxed. I also finally got to spend some quality time holding my little peanut. We were so blessed because dear friend from college was our postpartum nurse, as we had prayed she would be! We had just spent Wednesday night with her and her family, and talked about how we were bound to run into her as she worked the ENTIRE weekend and then every other day the following week. She was our nurse from 7:00 AM- 7:00 PM Friday, Saturday, and she saw us off Sunday when we left the hospital around 1:30 or 2:00 in the afternoon. It was the most wonderful experience and we were in good hands with Hannah!
Eden is loved by so many people, and they were swarming to come visit and meet her. Our first guests arrived around 11:00 and kept coming for the majority of the day. We had a great stay and plan to deliver at Maple Grove Hospital again. My body was in much more pain than I would have thought for those first days and even week. Fortunately my mom stayed with us for the first 9 days at home, which was the most wonderful thing. I did not move at all, only to take my two baths a day. My main job was feeding Eden and holding her and snuggling with her all day long. It was wonderful.
In reflecting on our birth story, although not much of the labor went as planned, it was good. Even though it is not a perfect story, it is our story that we will cherish. The overall goal from the beginning is to have a healthy baby and a healthy mom, which is exactly how the story of Eden's birth ends. She is absolutely gorgeous and we are overwhelmed that God has given us such an incredible gift.
The name Eden means delight, and we chose this name for her because when finding out we were pregnant we were overwhelmed, kind of like the feeling when someone gives you a gift that you don't deserve and you feel guilty, like you need to pay that person back somehow. We kind of felt that way initially, and God assured us that this was a gift, that we didn't deserve it, and that the only way to "pay Him back" was to delight in her and in the absolute gift of grace that she is.
We will spend the rest of our lives as parents delighting in her as a thank you to our Father, who has given us more than we could have ever asked for or imagined or thought in our little Eden Jane. We are blessed.
Thanks for being REAL about your story and your emotions. I have a friend with a very similar story - it's good to have realistic expectations. Love you and congrats! Can't wait to see you and meet her!
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