My body has gone through so many changes I cannot even begin to describe. I gained over 50 pounds during this pregnancy and within the first 7 days of my postpartum life had already lost over 30. It seems silly to even talk about weight like that, because there is so much change in such a short amount of time. I was recently told that within the first 6 weeks after having a baby, a woman's body goes through the same amount of change as someone with a terminal illness. Everything in my body has and still is changing.
My lifestyle has changed drastically as the way I spend my time is 100% different than it has ever been. I left the house 3 times for 3 dr. appointments in the first 14 days of my daughter's life. This has been the only time in my life that I have not worked in some form, and I must admit that I am loving it. I love spending each and every moment snuggling Eden and cannot get enough of her. I also have not slept more than 2 hours in almost an entire month. That in itself is a huge change with side effects.
My mind has changed as my priorities are drastically different than they were before. The things I think about and talk about are much different. For example, we write down and thoroughly discuss how many times our daughter has pooped, what color it is and what it looks like.
My relationships have changed. We have been absolutely blessed to have so much love and support, and we have seen so many loved ones this month and it has been amazing, except that I find myself keeping on eye on Eden and the other on the particular friend or family member I am talking to. I keep one ear open to Eden's cry while trying to listen and focus and be a good friend and give advice. It is hard to focus on anything or anyone but her during this initial transition into parenthood, and while it may sound endearing it is a little irritating even to me.
My emotions are of course on a hormonal roller coaster and things that used to be a big deal to me now seem silly in the perspective of raising a child. There have been countless stories I have heard this month that through the lens of a parent broke my heart in a different way. That is probably the biggest change- my heart. It feels liquid, as it has been absolutely melted by my incredible baby girl. I remember driving home from the hospital and just having this overwhelming desire to hold and protect her from everything and everyone. I can't stand the thought of her going through anything challenging or experiencing rejection or pain. I love her so much it hurts.
I remember the life changing experience of falling in love with my husband. It was the only other time in my life that I felt liquid, like everything in my world was changing and nothing mattered except how I felt about him. The experience of loving someone so much was surprisingly painful as I felt so vulnerable to the world and that if anything ever happened to him I would crumble. This month has been another form of that exact same experience. I am absolutely in love with my daughter, and as amazing as it is, there is also a sense of vulnerability and fear which has been frustrating as it has made me feel as if I have digressed in the progress I have made in recent years as the lessons I have learned are now being tested yet again in another capacity.
That is another change.
I had been consistently growing and learning and being open and letting God work in my life, and it feels as if that has been paused this month as other things have come in and taken priority over my spiritual growth.
When thinking about what habit I wanted to focus on this month, I feel overwhelmed, like I need to start back at the beginning and do them all again. Trust. Pray. Confess. Slow Down. Relax. In the past 12 years, specifically the past 2 years, I have come so far in trusting God, first with myself and then with Chris during his time in jail. And here I am practically climbing into my daughter's bassinet to make sure she is breathing. It seems as if I do not trust my heavenly Father at all, and while that is not true it also seems like it is in the way I am acting and feeling with Eden. I am finding myself battling so much fear which I believe was created by my love for her. However, I recall to mind the truth in 1 John 4:18 that says, "There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear." What does that even mean? Does that even apply to my love for my daughter?
I have no clarity worth writing about this month. No life changing revelations or even consistent thoughts as I am a bit overtired, and anytime I am not too tired and actually have a moment to sit down to think or write I will begin and then suddenly Eden will need to eat or need to be changed or something else will come up and by the time I come back to the computer there is nothing clear or congruent worth writing about.
In my lack of clarity, I guess my goal this month, and what I was tested in, was my ability to go with the flow. To start something and not finish it. To go through intense changes in every area of my life and stay sane. To keep my head above water. To walk through change without clinging to "the way things were" and to walk through this season and let God be in control, relinquishing that position as controller of my life.
What I hope is to take this fluid, liquid state I am in and allow God to use it to bring about the healthy changes that need to take place in my life. I can't view it like I have gone backwards and now need to learn the same lessons about trusting and praying again, but rather that I am going deeper in those areas and that I will have victory in deeper ways because of this deep deep love I have for my daughter.
It is as if my heart has been ripped to a deeper level, and in that level I am determined to learn to trust, to pray, to confess, to relax, to enjoy, and to be fully His. It all begins by going with the flow and allowing this change to manifest itself in my life and in my spirit. I am asking God to make something new now that I am living and loving on a deeper level as a mother.
Eden weeks 1-4
Habit #11: Go with the flow
I have been continually shocked by how loving my husband so greatly has changed me. The parental love must be so much more intense...it's very interesting to consider that love in the light of how God feels about us.
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