the pursuit of fruit: June: One Big Step

I did it again. Despite my deepest desire to pace this pregnancy month by month with grace and calmness, taking one manageable step at a time, I attempted a teensy sprint which got me running out of control and feeling completely overwhelmed. Within a two day span I had written the first draft of my entire birthing plan and attempted to register for everything, while also trying to balance the regular load of work I have plus editing a book and being a good wife and friend and healthy spiritual being. I took all of that on at one moment, which resulted in a very overwhelmed pregnant lady. As a side note, this two day span in which I chose to attempt a "sprint" happened to be on the two busiest and most tiring days of the year for a teacher, the last two days of school. I feel like all of the tangible tasks that needed to be done in my classroom kick started this spiral situation in which I got on a "roll" and then suddenly applied that to every single area of my life, trying to take everything on at once to just be done so I could have my summer and truly relax.

But then I got even more overwhelmed, if that was possible, because I realized that this demand for my time and energy is not going to end anytime soon. Except that these things I "need to do" right now are not really legitimate stressors, and that in about 4 months the things I will "need to do" are really going to be actually life and death things like not only continuing to care for my high maintenance self but also an entire life who will be completely dependent on me (and my husband). Help me Jesus. -June 13

As my diary entry reveals, this month was packed full of activity and as I sit down to reflect it feels like we have come one big step closer to meeting our miracle in the flesh as the information we have received this month has made the reality that we will soon have a child insanely real. While I feel much more calm than I did during that entry, I look back and see that it was quite a month filled to the brim. Because of my lack of pacing, it is only in hindsight that I can identify that there were actually two completely separate focuses and habits that we tried to implement this month, and therefore there are two main forces of this huge giant, man step which can be best summarized in the headings: labor discussions and finding out the gender!

1. Labor Discussions.

There is a reason I was very intentional to take this pregnancy month but month; from the moment I saw that blue line there was one lingering thought, one lingering day to be specific, that has brought enough concern to force myself to create some planning boundaries- LABOR. From the beginning, I have been dreading thinking, reading, or talking about delivery. I am not exactly sure why, but I think my lack of awareness as to my own physical strength is overwhelming to me along with my general lack of education about labor and fear of pain. In this month of finally opening the door I instantly closed upon becoming pregnant, I have talked with just about every kind of woman in the entire world- those who knew they would have never made it without as many drugs as possible to those who have complete confidence in their physical stamina and strength. I have talked with woman who have accepted an epidural from the moment they entered to room to those who have hired Doulas in their quest and desire to have a natural labor, and just about everyone in between.

After the month I can conclude that I have a desire to deliver this baby as naturally as possible and healthily for the child and I. There is NOTHING I am opposed to and nothing planned at this point, just ideas. I am thankful for so many women who were willing to be so open with me as to share the intimate experience of their labor and delivery. Besides our many wonderful friends, my husband and I started learning about this new topic by attending some amazing classes through the childbirth collective center. Through sitting through these sessions, I have learned what kinds of questions to ask myself when writing a birthing plan. And the biggest question that surfaced which we have spent much time in prayer about is: what kind of labor do I want?

My revelation was that I want my delivery to be a worship experience, and the atmosphere to be that of a worship service. Anointed. Thick. Safe. Free. Low lights. Music. Prayer. Scripture. Power.

I attended a concert this month and was extremely aware of the atmosphere in the room throughout the night having this idea of a delivery/worship experience on my radar. There seemed to be an openness in the room. I saw many people weeping. I saw people on their faces before their Father. There was a release of pain in the room. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in an indescribable way. There was healing and breakthroughs and incredible power. It was as if I was sitting in the natural world, but also as if there were twinklings of the supernatural. And this is the same atmosphere I desire to be in when I deliver my child into the world. That the miracle of what I am so remarkably invited to be a part of would take my breath away (not literally, I learned a lot of important breathing techniques!) That I would engage in the experience of such a miraculous moment of time. That I would access and activate the power and presence of Jesus Christ as I walk on this conveyer belt to much pain.

And however this unfolds, so be it. At this point I don't really care about drugs or not, I care about a healthy baby and healthy mama and a supernatural experience. What an incredible lesson, to stay open and trust that this near death experience (as a few have worded it throughout the month) will end well, with a wonderful, amazing, beautiful, healthy baby girl. Oops. I've already slipped. Onto our next point.

Habit #6a: Learn about labor and delivery.

2. Our Little Baby Girl.

I can't even describe to you how incredibly wonderful it is to have discovered this month that inside my womb right now is a precious little girl. Even the thought of it makes me emotional for so many reasons. While it would be dishonest to not bring up the fact that we were initially shocked to discover such news, that was most certainly a spiritual experience rather than preference. Never once did we claim to "want" a boy, we were just certain that we were having one. Remember the entire month of April that we set aside to pray about names, coming together at the end of the month with total confidence of both having heard the same name? Well that name was CLEARLY a boy's name. Our confidence and certainty that we were expecting a boy came from this and other supernatural promptings and visions we believe we had seen and heard over the past months and even years. It was a great lesson for my husband and I to recognize that we were very, very wrong, that we have much to learn about discernment and visions, and that we are not, in fact, God and never will figure Him out. And once we got over the spiritual shock, then the true reaction of sheer thrill and delight came as God's plan and gift of a girl also came like a rushing wind and overwhelmed us both with absolute awe and wonder.

You see, just 22 weeks ago now my husband was walking out of jail. Only a gracious and merciful Father would look at my dear husband, the moment he stepped out of jail, and say to him, "Yes-I trust you with a daughter," who we can later confirm was conceived shortly after his release. This miracle of a girl reveals God's gracious character in such an overwhelming way.

It testifies to God's Word when it says:

Psalm 103:11-12, For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy towards those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Hebrews 8:12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and lawless deeds I will remember no more. NKJV

Hebrews 10:17 I will not remember their sins and evil deeds any longer.

2 Corinthians 5:19 God did not keep an account of their sins.

Isaiah 43:25 I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.

Jeremiah 31:34 I will forgive their sins and I will not longer remember their wrongs. I, the Lord, have spoken.

God has so quickly forgotten and purified our past. I went back to read the January post about "White as Snow" and this little girl kicking and moving inside me PROVES that this is true. We believe parenting is stewardship, and that God would forgive and forget and then trust us to raise His daughter is too much for words. Her life is a testimony and will constantly remind us that God is gracious.

As we are in awe of our gracious father, one word we have gotten is to delight in our daughter. This word came to us through the inspiration of a scripture that we cling to so tightly in our own understanding of our Father's love for us and now for our daughter as well. "For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." Zephaniah 3:17 This word delight stood out to us, and when I look that up in the dictionary.com it says: a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy- something that gives great pleasure.

No problem obeying that command. My husband declared that he was going to wear pink every day until she is born, he now reads and sings to her often, and we can't stop wondering and dreaming and planning and thinking and talking about her. We can't stop staring at her little profile in the ultrasound picture we were given. The way the ultrasound worked is that they showed us everything else before revealing her gender, and so we got to see her for a good 45 minutes before we know it was "her." Even though we walked into the room with confidence in our boy name and theory, once we saw her face and before we knew she was a she, we both kind of looked at each other with bewilderment and without needing to say anything had the same thought," She is way too beautiful to be a boy."

Delighting in her has been the easiest command we have yet received and we can imagine that this will only deepen as we approach that incredible day when we get to meet her face to face. And we KNOW that as deeply as we delight in and love and cherish our baby girl, that God's love for her is infinitely greater than ours will ever reach. And that, too, has overwhelmed us this month.

This little girl will be our deepest delight and constant proof that God is gracious.