worse than labor

I have always heard labor is the most painful experience most women will go through in their lives.  My labor was certainly painful as I recall telling my husband the entire time that I was going to die. :) After I survived and was able to hold my sweet baby girl I naively assumed the worst was behind me, and since then labor has become one of my fondest memories as it ended with the night I met Eden Jane Vavra.

And I really can't wait to do it again!

While it was physically painful it was wonderful in every other way.

The other day, however, I had the most horrific experience in my life which was astronomically worse than labor- seeing my sweet, happy, smiling, innocent, pure, beloved daughter get three needles stabbed into her thighs and medicine injected into her body.

It was literally a nightmare.

I just cannot get the look on her face when they injected her out of my mind as it was Eden's first real exposure to pain and her initiation to the sinful nature of this world.  For me as a mom it was my first realization that my daughter is going to be exposed to this foul, fallen world and there is nothing I can do to protect her from it.  Disease.  Dirt.  Pain.  Rejection.  Skinned knees.  Maliciousness.  Injuries.  Cuts.  Bruises.  Lonliness.  Fear.  Sadness.  Heartbreak.  Selfishness.

 I could weep all over again just thinking about it.

This is holistic pain.

Physical pain as watching her HURT my entire body.  Mental pain as I felt guilty, like I should have asked the doctor more questions and made sure each and every immunization was absolutely essential.  Emotional pain as my heart was ripped into two pieces through watching my daughter hurt.  Spiritual pain (if that is really something) as for the first time in my life I saw the gospel from a different angle as I pondered what God the Father must have experienced when He sent His Son to live in this filthy and fallen world to DIE.  For me.  Yuck.  And I do not mean to confine God to the human experience or emotions of a human, but for a Father to make such a sacrifice I cannot imagine.

As excruciating as this experience was, I see it as a direct response the habit I am creating this month: asking God for help, as this pain experience is a piece of my restoration and it will bear fruit.  My disordered eating effected a lot more than just the percentage of my body fat, it affected my whole being including my mind and emotions, basically shutting down all feelings.

Loving Eden so much is actually resetting those emotions, restoring my emotional health, and producing fruit in my life.

Just like in the body when a bone is broken it must first be reset before it can heal, this experience and this incredible love I feel for Eden is resetting my emotions so I can fully heal from the events of the past and enjoy the fullness of life God has given us through emoting.  While it is painful as I see it like ripping my heart deeper than it has ever been ripped before, it is for the good of resetting and healing so I can have a healthier life.

Pain can actually produce incredible fruit.  

It is also resetting my mind to the truth that even though I cannot protect Eden from pain in this life, God can.  He can protect her from it and comfort her in it in a way I will never be able to.  And I am once again forced to trust Him.

Fortunately I have already learned that He is trustworthy.  He is good.  He is faithful.  He is loving and He is a Father and loves my precious Eden more than I could ever fathom.

So this worse than labor experience is really an answer to my prayers and another step closer to the health I seek.