One of my goals is to write shorter posts this year.
Here goes.
I just had a major breakthrough from reading a comment left on my post January: Ask God For Help that can be summarized in one sentence:
Health, even physical health, is NOT about what your body looks like.
Now reading that may not be a mind blowing experience for you as it might seem too simple, but this struck a cord with me as I realized that for years and years I have made the mistake of connecting looks and health as synonymous.
The second breakthrough comes from an amazing blog post entitled "Babies Ruin Bodies." Please please please read this post. I will not attempt to rewrite what this woman has so beautifully written to describe the incredible gift it is to bear life. My favorite part is the last sentence.
"If anything, I was ruined by the world before I knew [Eden], and she made me whole again."
This idea, that babies do not in fact ruin our bodies but make them whole, rings true in the story of my life From Darkness To Light. While I had lived in destruction for years and my body was "ruined" by my own poor choices and distorted understanding of health and beauty presented to me by this fallen world, I was stuck thinking health was only displayed in how my body looked. However I truly believe growing and birthing Eden has and will continue to make me holistically healthy and whole again.
And not only is my body being made whole, but also my mind and understanding of beauty.
I can already see the manifestation of my confession in my mental health through the incredible wisdom of monkeytoes who left such a remarkable comment.
Speaking of comments, if you do have a thought please leave it as I would be blessed by your responses to the many thoughts running through my head.
John 8:32 says, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you FREE." I already feel one step closer to freedom, only 14 days into this 365 day pursuit.
After being on the fence about such a decision for the last 5 years, I finally did it. And it feels great.
Here are my reasons for joining:
1. Kickstart this pursuit of health and get back into the routine of physical activity. I think the hardest part about creating any new habit is starting. I joined the gym for a temporary period of time and am committing to going for the next three months. Even though this is not going to be a lifestyle activity and gym membership that I will implement into my life indefinitely, I joined just to be motivated enough to get started. Paying for the membership is a great motivator for me, and that 12 times a month health insurance benefit will also motivate me to get there three times a week for the next three months. As hard as it is to leave Eden, it is so worth it and the fruit will benefit our entire family as I am a better mom and wife and friend when I am holistically healthy.
2. Babies. I was unfortunately not active AT ALL before getting pregnant with Eden and it really limited my ability to be active during pregnancy. I believe it also made my pregnancy and recovery much more difficult. The general rule of thumb is that during pregnancy you can continue exercising to the extent and in the ways you were before getting pregnant. Unfortunately this meant I could do very little.
While walking was a great option for me, it was basically the only option. I started out my pregnancy very weak which I believe made it much harder throughout those nine months and labor. Even now I am struggling to carry the carseat and nurse as I have little muscle to work with. My goal is to rebuild the muscles that were moved and shifted and worked during this past year and prepare to do it again! While we are not thinking of baby #2 anytime soon, I would love to have a lot of time to slowly recover and rebuild so that in the right timing for Eden to have a little brother or sister I am stronger and more prepared for such a task.
3. Reset my relationship with exercise. Because of my history with overexercising, my relationship with this task is a bit skewed and I have always had a negative attitude about working out because my only experience with it was destructive. I hope to reset this relationship with being active so that I can model to my family how to live an active lifestyle and take care of our bodies. I hope to do this through trying new things, learning more about exercise, taking fun classes, working out with friends and family, and really learning to enjoy physical activity.
I am excited to exercise again and will be diligent in this commitment to going three times a week for three months. And I will continue to consistently confess what I believe and ask God for help, knowing only He can bring full restoration to my entire being. I will do my part and trust Him to do the rest.
I have always heard labor is the most painful experience most women will go through in their lives. My labor was certainly painful as I recall telling my husband the entire time that I was going to die. :) After I survived and was able to hold my sweet baby girl I naively assumed the worst was behind me, and since then labor has become one of my fondest memories as it ended with the night I met Eden Jane Vavra.
And I really can't wait to do it again!
While it was physically painful it was wonderful in every other way.
The other day, however, I had the most horrific experience in my life which was astronomically worse than labor- seeing my sweet, happy, smiling, innocent, pure, beloved daughter get three needles stabbed into her thighs and medicine injected into her body.
It was literally a nightmare.
I just cannot get the look on her face when they injected her out of my mind as it was Eden's first real exposure to pain and her initiation to the sinful nature of this world. For me as a mom it was my first realization that my daughter is going to be exposed to this foul, fallen world and there is nothing I can do to protect her from it. Disease. Dirt. Pain. Rejection. Skinned knees. Maliciousness. Injuries. Cuts. Bruises. Lonliness. Fear. Sadness. Heartbreak. Selfishness.
I could weep all over again just thinking about it.
This is holistic pain.
Physical pain as watching her HURT my entire body. Mental pain as I felt guilty, like I should have asked the doctor more questions and made sure each and every immunization was absolutely essential. Emotional pain as my heart was ripped into two pieces through watching my daughter hurt. Spiritual pain (if that is really something) as for the first time in my life I saw the gospel from a different angle as I pondered what God the Father must have experienced when He sent His Son to live in this filthy and fallen world to DIE. For me. Yuck. And I do not mean to confine God to the human experience or emotions of a human, but for a Father to make such a sacrifice I cannot imagine.
As excruciating as this experience was, I see it as a direct response the habit I am creating this month: asking God for help, as this pain experience is a piece of my restoration and it will bear fruit. My disordered eating effected a lot more than just the percentage of my body fat, it affected my whole being including my mind and emotions, basically shutting down all feelings.
Loving Eden so much is actually resetting those emotions, restoring my emotional health, and producing fruit in my life.
Just like in the body when a bone is broken it must first be reset before it can heal, this experience and this incredible love I feel for Eden is resetting my emotions so I can fully heal from the events of the past and enjoy the fullness of life God has given us through emoting. While it is painful as I see it like ripping my heart deeper than it has ever been ripped before, it is for the good of resetting and healing so I can have a healthier life. Pain can actually produce incredible fruit.
It is also resetting my mind to the truth that even though I cannot protect Eden from pain in this life, God can. He can protect her from it and comfort her in it in a way I will never be able to. And I am once again forced to trust Him.
Fortunately I have already learned that He is trustworthy. He is good. He is faithful. He is loving and He is a Father and loves my precious Eden more than I could ever fathom.
So this worse than labor experience is really an answer to my prayers and another step closer to the health I seek.
When I started this blog about a year ago I was not sure what would come of it. While it initially started as a testimony and space to document a fresh start in the life of our family it has morphed into less of a narrative story and more of an account of my experience in creating new healthy habits.
In recent years writing has become an outlet for my healing and writing in a blog was an easy way to archive my many thoughts. I had not put much time or thought into advertising this blog beyond mentioning it to close friends and family. Then just about 48 hours ago my friend Amber asked if she could advertise my blog through hers, mommysmetime and I thought, why not?!
So for fun I also posted a link on facebook and I sit here today amazed that 2 days later I have had an overwhelming amount of people checking out the blog, commenting on posts, writing messages and contacting me with ideas and encouragement and support!!!
The incredible amount of interest is so exciting and motivating me to take this blogging more seriously, so I have already changed the title and look as well as honed in on a focus.
So thank you everyone who is reading this and please continue to come and see what God is teaching me as I pursue health this year. I would love for you to join me in learning about health as I take on this challenge of creating 12 new healthy habits in 2014.
I am very passionate about CHOICE and amazed that God has given us this incredible gift. I am convinced that we choose the kind of life we want to live by the habits we create. And I spent 2013 choosing to create intentional habits that would bear fruit in my life and the life of our family.
And it worked.
I look back and read through old posts and ponder the changes in our lives over this past year and it is astonishing what God has done and the incredible fruit we now enjoy. In one year.
My husband's job which led to an apprenticeship which led to a new education and career.
Health insurance coverage.
My healthy pregnancy and our beautiful baby girl Eden.
More friendships and support than we could have ever asked for or imagined.
Continual financial restoration.
Joy. Freedom. Grace. Laughter.
Life.
While we do not take the credit for this fruit but rather point all of the glory to God, we do acknowledge that just as in the experience of planting a garden, we have a role and God has a role. We plant, water, weed, and position for sunlight while GOD does the miraculous.
There is a biblical principle of seedtime and harvest which says that we will reap what we sow. (Galatians 6:7-9) We were intentional to sow LIFE in 2013 after a year of loss and pain in 2012 and are now reaping the incredible fruit at the miraculous and gracious hand of God.
I like this and want to continue this pursuit in 2014.
John 15:8 says, "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." NLT words the same verse this way: "When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father."
The deepest desire of my heart is to glorify our Heavenly Father, and if bearing fruit glorifies Him than I want to continue my pursuit of fruit. So this blog that started as a new book now has a new title which shares our new goal and desire- the pursuit of fruit.
Goal: I plan to start off this new year of health by giving the weight of my desire to be healthy to God. I refuse the carry the burden of changing my body, but will rather make life giving choices that are in my control while TRUSTING God to do the rest.
I look back and recognize that in my previous pursuit of health I have been very black and white- all or nothing. I got very motivated and then really extreme with working out every day, eating only healthy foods, and wanting to see immediate results. I am learning that health is a two-fold, there is a part of my health that I can control and the rest of it which is only under the hand and power of God. I will make healthy choices and leave the rest up to Him, trusting Him and resting in Him throughout this process. I refuse the carry the yoke of health but rather invite God into this experience, knowing it is ONLY through my Healer that I can be holistically healthy and healed from the mistakes of my past.
Habit: I love making goals and resolutions and plans, and I realized how quickly I forget to invite God into my goals. I will directly invite Him into this experience each and every day. I wrote a statement that I will confess each day of this year. My hope is to confess and meditate on this statement at least once each day whether that is in the morning before getting out of bed, before each meal and work-out, mid-day, or at night before bed. I put it as the background of my phone, printed it out to have in my wallet, on my mirror, by my nightstand, and in my car. This confession is based on the word of God and it is the deepest desire of my heart.
Lord please restore my health this year.
I can't do it without you.
I release the control of my body to you.
I recognize that it is not by will nor might but by your spirit that I will see health.
Give me patience as I wait for you to act and help me not to labor in vain.
John 15:5 - Zech 4:6 - Psalm 37:7 - Psalm 127:1
Challenge: I invite you to join me in asking God to carry the heavy burden of your health this year as you partner with Him to become healthy. Whether it is mental health, physical health, emotional health, spiritual health, relational health, or all of the above- ASK God to help. Matthew 7:7 says, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."
My story begins around middle school, when fad diets and friday night dances were motivating me to try to look good, fit in, and be asked to dance by one of those equally as awkward looking and geeky boys. I developed early, and at fifth grade and 5’4” was a “bigger” girl, at least in my own mind. I think I had hips and “curves” if you can call them that, but wanted that sleek, thin look that I saw on TV and in the People magazines I compulsively read. I spent those middle school years on yo-yo diets, on one week and off the next, with no basic understanding of health but just the desire to eat vegetables and fruit only, and when that got old it was back to cookies and crap as my hormones and hunger was setting in, my hips were expanding, and my heart was latching onto this dream of having the “look,” whatever that means? I wanted to not only look perfect, but holistically to be perfect. Perfect body, perfect grades, perfect friendships, perfect environment, and beyond. I wanted perfection in every area of my life and felt out of control when things were not perfect. In hindsight I can see that this desire for perfection and ultimately control were the major driving forces that led me to this lifestyle of destruction.
This continued throughout those middle school years, and climaxed in eighth grade when my low self-esteem, perfectionism, and poor body image reached an ultimate high, or low for that matter. I had gotten my first B in school and I had been rejected yet again at another event and was of course best friends with the pretty girls. I had come to hate myself and my life. I did not find joy in anything, in fact I had forgotten how to enjoy life. I didn’t laugh, I faked smiles, and was ready to end my life once and for all. The tempting thoughts of suicide were ever present, and while I never would have taken my life I desperately wanted to and dreamed about such a sweet release into eternity with my Savior. My relationship with Jesus was certainly not alive as noted by the lack of fruit in my life, but I knew who He was, I knew He loved me, and I knew He was good.
I honestly do not remember how I got out of my suicidal state, maybe I blocked those months of my life out completely, but somehow I did and the move from middle school to high school was surprisingly fresh as life felt new and even somewhat exciting. It was the fall of my freshman year, and I was absolutely floored and amazed to have been asked to the Homecoming dance by a JUNIOR! It was my first boost of confidence and a very life-giving experience to have been “chosen” for such an occasion. I immediately started looking for the perfect dress and landed on a beautiful royal blue, very fitted, long dress. In hindsight I can see that the fit of this dress was the beginning of my innocent pursuit of weight loss.
While fad dieting was nothing new for me, I had never been able to stick to a diet of any kind. However, this desire to “look good in my new dress” was just enough of a motivator to kick start the beginning of my descent into the pit of disordered eating. What always shocks me is how innocently this journey began. I was a smart girl, and although somewhat brainwashed by the incessant images of unrealistically thin women in the media, I had a good head on my shoulders and excellent models of health at home and knew better than to become anorexic. I did not decide one day that I was going to pursue this awful lifestyle, but rather slipped into it slowly and unaware until it will too late and I was in over my head. I often refer to the slow process of a snowball effect, it started so small and was soon compounding out of control.
It started with eating less at lunch, while my parents were not around. That transitioned into skipping lunch all together. Meanwhile I was slimming up just a bit and friends and family were noticing the changes in my body and complimenting me as some of those extra pounds I had put on during those awkward middle school years were shedding and I was turning out to be a decent looking young woman. These comments and compliments were motivating, causing me to eat less and less. The homecoming dance came and went, and instead of returning to my normal eating habits I rather enjoyed this new little hobby I had and continued skipping lunch, but also adding a smaller supper. My stomach was shrinking and my motivation to lose more weight was growing. It was easy to tell my parents I had a big lunch and was not very hungry while also telling my friends I was going to have a big meal at home that evening. Lying and secrecy were the marks of the unhealthy lifestyle I was living and I can now see the threshold of when my innocent diet to lose a few pounds turned into an addiction which later turned into an obsessive monster.
To spare the details, this snowball grew bigger and bigger each month. By the time winter came I was getting to the point of looking unhealthy, but it was easy to hide in baggy winter clothes. My pants were all falling off my slender sides and the basketball workouts were really wearing me out as I had little energy to run killers and practice drills when I had not eaten all day. Around winter time I remember skipping lunch and dinner most days, completely withdrawing from all friendships at school and relationships at home to pursue this new obsession that had overtaken my mind. I thought about food constantly, just never ate it. More than losing weight, I loved the feeling of being in control.
I also developed this black and white thinking about foods and only ate foods that felt safe to me, that I believed would not cause me to gain weight. For example: Carrots- good. Cookies- bad. Celery- good. Chips- bad. Those are more obvious ones, but then somehow my mind separated every single food into these good and bad categories. Good and safe foods for me were fruits and vegetables and cereal. Those were the only foods I felt ok eating. Everything was bad and harmful and destructive in my mind. I remember after the new year I was at my lowest and eating the least that I ever had, I remember a two week span in which I think all I ate was carrots. I don’t know that I was truly “anorexic” because most days I ate something, but I certainly was unhealthy in every way- physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I even remember waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night after having a nightmare that I had eaten a bagel. I became gripped with fear that I would gain the weight back and my obsession with weight and image grew stronger and stronger. I remember the rational side of my brain, which was now only a teeny part of my decision making process, recognized how unhealthy I was, but I ignored reason and jumped fully into this addiction.
In February of that Freshman year I remember that for lent I decided to fast from ALL unhealthy foods- fats and sugars and pop and really anything in my “bad” list. Now I had an excuse as to why I was so picky with my eating. I am ashamed to share that I misused a God given tool such as fasting, but I did and it worked as I kept losing more weight. I think I plateued somewhere during this 40 day fast, and while my weight stayed the same it was certainly unhealthy. I really did not have any more fat to lose. I transitioned into eating three meals a day again, they were just extremely small. I knew all of the tricks to make it look like I had eaten more than I had. Taking very small portions, moving food around on my plate, taking teeny teeny bites, keeping food in my mouth and walking to the bathroom to spit it out. On that note, I was never bulimic only because I couldn’t figure out how to make myself throw up. I tried and tried, but can see the miracle it was that I physiologically could not do it. I also remember lying a lot. Lying became second nature to me.
When basketball season ended, I implemented working out into my daily lifestyle. I played volleyball and basketball and so this was the first time during my obsessive state that I was not consistently moving my body and decided to start exersicing at the YMCA. I would go every day after school, and this only added to my unhealthy thinking and body. I became obsessed with the numbers as I would work out on all of those different machines. 45 minutes here. 300 calories. 3 miles. 30 minutes. Miles. Calories. Minutes. I would stare at those numbers during my entire 90 minute workout and I was slowly slipping into madness. My perfectionism increased as I could never work out long or hard enough to satisfy my hunger for this obsessive desire to lose more weight. 1 more mile. 10 more minutes. 100 more calories. I pushed myself beyond my limits day after day after day.
By now people were obviously noticing the negative effects, so I broke every relationship that I could and put up walls with every single person I could not shake, namely my family. People would try to talk to me about my body and I refused. I lied, I pretended to smile, I faked it, and I was good.
Meanwhile I was a very successful student and involved in every club imaginable- planning events and making more surfacy connections at school as a twisted means of my secrecy. While my social life was seeming to increase on the surface, it was secretly decreasing the more I withdrew and hid my true self from these “new friends.” I knew a lot of people, but never let anyone truly know me or the pain I was in as I isolated myself from the world to remain locked in a prison of my own sin. My relationship with Jesus was non-existent, never a part of my thinking or decision making. I was stuck in a pit and this snowball that had started so small and innocently was crushing me from the inside out.
All spring I continued this daily routine of eating three small meals and working out. Finally summer came and I decided to get out of my house to get my parents off my back about my weight. I spent a few weeks in Oregon and others in Minneapolis with family, never staying anywhere long enough for my loved ones to catch on to my unhealthy eating habits. I again was extremely successful at faking my way into looking good and healthy while secretly continuing to destroy my body.
Fall of my sophomore year brought a few months of the same behavior and then in early November FINALLY the breakthrough I needed. It had been a little over a year since my Homecoming incident. I will never forget the night my life changed forever, in every way. I was reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and the first line read, “It is not about you.” That was it. That was all my spirit needed to hear in order to turn away from such a terribly selfish lifestyle. As I write I recognize that it is only because of the grace of God that He spoke to me that night and reached down and pulled me out of this pit of sin. Ephesians 2:8-10 comes to mind, "For it is by grace that you have been saved- through faith. THis is not from yourself, it is the gift of God- not by works, so no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." I look back and see that God has good plans for my life and I was so off the path towards these plans. "He reached down from heaven and rescued me. He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety. He rescued me because he delights in me. " Psalm 18:16-19. This was the first time I had ever heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, and in a very gentle but firm voice I heard and felt and saw the reality of how selfish I was. My conviction and desire to change came from a revelation as to how selfish my lifestyle had become. It did not start with a desire to get healthy, it started with a gentle invitation and desire to stop thinking about just me because the self-absorption it takes to maintain an eating disorder is sickening.
I remember weeping, for the first time in years because the depression, suicidal thoughts, and eating disorder had blocked my emotions and caused me to put a chain on any feeling I had. But I wept, and it was the first sign of light after years of living in darkness. And that was the night I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I had hit rock bottom. I had nothing to live for but some stupid image I saw on TV, and I was finally ready to let it go, to give up my unattainable pursuit, and to let God be my everything.
This was 13 years ago now, and I have been healing from these mistakes and choices ever since. I believe this year is the final cherry on top of my healing experience.
That same night, I went and confessed to my mom that I had a problem and wanted to get help. The next day I saw a therapist, a nutritionist, and a dr. These appointments continued. I also started getting involved. After such a strong conviction about my self obsession, I had to get outside of myself. Within the first week I started coaching 4th and 5th grade basketball, leading a small group for jr. high girls, and volunteering at an after school program at my old elementary school. I was so sick of myself and had to get my mind on helping other people. This was a huge part of my healing.
I ended up going to therapy for around 18 months, trying to reset my brain as to how I looked. It was presented to me that I had a distorted body image as I was lacking a certain chemical in my brain due to the lack of nutrients I was giving myself. So while others would see the body size 0 waist I had, I saw a chubby girl with fat sides and a big round chipmunk face. I literally saw something different when I looked in the mirror, and my therapist and I spent months resetting my mind to the truth about the way I looked and then the truth about what was healthy for me.
I also went to a regular doctor to check things out as I was obviously too thin. I had not had a menstral cycle in over a year, which is always a sign that things are not healthy. I was informed that my muscle and bone density was extremely low because I had no fat left on my body so when I would not eat or over-exercise my body started the process of eating away at the muscles and bones. I am again thankful I stopped when I did because while it was very unhealthy I prevented things from getting any worse and thankfully was not at a point of needing hospitalization. Looking back my body had gone through the following weight changes during the progression of my eating disorder. During the fall of my freshman year I weight around 125 and at my lowest point weighed around 100. From what I can remember, in health class we were learned about BMI and took our body fat percentage and in the beginning of the fall it was 35% and by the end of the semester was down to 12%.
While my body had been through a lot, my mind was in much worse condition.
My nutritionist helped me set goals for a healthy weight and get there. My mom, nutritionist, and I all decided that it was best for me not to see my weight, so she would also weigh me backwards so I could not see the numbers. While this was 13 years ago I kept this routine until last year when I was getting weighed consistently during my pregnancy. I always had a hunch my healthy weight was around 125.
I saw this nutritionist for months and she helped me stick to my goals. I had to break down this black and white thinking where I could understand again that all food is good, just in moderation. This took years and years of hard work. I remember during our first appointment she asked me what I enjoyed eating, and after much thought I answered “ice cream.” I had to take off the filter of black and white thinking I had lived with for so long and really ask myself what I enjoyed again. She challenged me to eat 1/2 cup of ice cream a day as a starting point and I did it. It was so indescribably painful; I would weep every single time for those first weeks and months, but I did it. Every appointment we added another food and this process was long and lengthy, but I took her challenges and did the hard work I needed to do to gain weight.
I finally wanted to be well.
During these initial weeks of transition from darkness to light, my relationship with Jesus was growing every single day. Eating ice cream and talking about my feelings was painful and vulnerable and scary. Because I had blocked out everyone in my life I felt very alone, but in that place I learned about the precious friendship that we have with Jesus and the intimacy that is available to us with the Holy Spirit. I was also given my first vision.
I specially remember sitting in my room and praying one night in that first week of my recovery. I was praying about my body as I grieved the loss of my dream “look.” And while I was praying, I saw myself. Healthy. Free. Smiling. Beautiful. To this day I will never forget that vision and how I looked. I had a red hooded sweatshirt on and jeans that FIT. I had a healthy, round face, and the most beautiful, curly red hair I had ever seen. To preface I had never liked my red hair, but in this vision it was beautiful and it was CURLY. I had also never had curly hair before. As I prayed through what this vision meant I remember praying, “Lord, that woman is beautiful but that is not me.” And I remember hearing a response, not audibly but deep within my soul. This voice said, “If you obey and gain the weight you need to gain and do what the doctors are asking you to do, this will be you.” And I can testify that after ONE YEAR of obedience, one incredibly excruciatingly painful year of giving up everything I held dear, every dream and desire I had for my body, every comfort, every unhealthy thought pattern, that my hair started to curl.
To this day my hair is a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness, grace, and mercy.
While my battle and healing was not complete after that one year, it was significantly better and this snowball that used to be destructive was now forming around healthier habits and pursuits. Jesus Christ became my everything and my desire to know Him and grow in Him replaced my obsession with my body.
This has been an ongoing process of healing, and I honestly believe I am at the final stages as I pursue health once again this year. God is my Restorer and my Healer. He is my only Hope. He is Enough. And He is good.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
These are some images I could find of me during my freshman year of high school, when my weight was dropping quickly.
It was such an interesting experience looking through these old photos while home at my parents during Christmas because I can specifically remember the pain behind these fake smiles. While it is painful to remember these trying years of growing up, it makes me so thankful for the JOY I have found in life through Jesus Christ.
This video perfectly illustrates my story. I weep every single time I watch it.
As a former anorexic I approach this topic of health, body image, diet, exercise and weight loss with great gentleness. While I celebrate my freedom from this trap I lived in during my teenage years, I recognize the value of focusing on creating healthy habits so I can have a healthy body after so many changes in the last year. Yet I tred these waters with such care as to not slide down that slippery slope of obsession with my weight and appearance again.
I am so thankful for my freedom but acknowledge the struggle that gaining 50 pounds has been and recognize that it has surfaced the remains of any manifestation of this struggle in my life. While I would say I am 95% free from these issues, I am ready for the full 100 percent, completely and holistically healthy.
After playing mental tug-of-war with myself for the last two months over these topics, I have come to conclude that there is a place where I can now make healthy choices that are life giving and honoring to God and also not obsessive or destructive. I also recognize that over the past 13 years I have completely avoided such topics in fear that I would misuse and mistreat my body again. I am finally mature enough to recognize the value of focusing on health and desire to be completely healthy and free from the issues of the past.
As I look back over the past 3 years, I can see how God has been bringing about healing in my life from the inside out. First He restored my spirit and faith, then my soul (mind, emotions, will) and now I believe is the time for my body to be restored to health. I will pull on solid resources and seek the healing of Jesus for my body as I learn about holistic health.
To read more about my history and the testimony of what God has done in my life read the following post or simply click here: From Darkness to Light. This goes more in depth about the past, pain, choices, and ultimate freedom that God has given me from these issues! The history of my issues with health will set a foundation as to how and why I am focusing on health this year.
I will now attempt to articulate my goal and plan to refine my body back to health! Rather than trying to take control myself I want to pursue a healthy being in a way that honors and trusts in this God who is the author of health, who can do more than we could ever ask or imagine or think, and who is in complete control.
From the beginning of this pregnancy my husband and I believed this experience of creating life and these changes would restore my body to health. While my goal is not to get my body back to the size it was before, it is to be healthy.
Things I did wrong 13 years ago in my pursuit of "health:"
Over-prioritize - Chaos - Obsession - Black and white thinking - Lack of self control - Snowball - Secrecy - Lack of variety - Impatience - Immaturity - Too rigid
Things I will do differently as I pursue health again:
Support and accountability- I cannot describe the benefits of having others in my life rooting for me, standing with me, praying and encouraging me in this pursuit and I have been sharing this new plan with others and asking for their support.
Expose my thoughts- Even throughout my pregnancy I have kept some of my thoughts about these topics secret because I am embarrassed that 13 years later I am still thinking about and struggling with some of the same things, but through this blog will expose the thoughts in my mind as I also take them captive and redirect negative thoughts into positive ones.
Variety- Doing that same diet and exercise routine drove me insane, and I commit to mixing things up this time to keep it fresh for my body and mind.
Enjoy- I will SET my mind before I develop a new healthy habit that I will enjoy this pursuit of health.
Patience- I will be patient with the process of restoration and shut down the expectation that my body or mind will change quickly. All change that lasts takes time. For starters, I am setting this whole year aside to pursue health.
Flexible- I will not adhere SO strictly to my goals and habits as my black and white thinking was a major factor in my former destructive habits. For example, if I commit to exercise three times a week and only make it twice one week, I will give myself the grace to accept that and move on.
Balance- Along the same lines, I will balance my desire for health rather than allowing it to consume my thinking. I do have a beautiful newborn baby and an incredible husband whom I hope consume most of my mental and physical energy and love and focus. I will commit to health but allow it to remain on the back burner of my priorities during this year as I enjoy my family and friends.
Motives- Rather than wanting to be healthy because I hate who I am, this time I want to be healthy because I love who I am, I value myself, I value my body, and I value what I can give to the world when I am most healthy. Think less, live more- While I hope my thoughts are intellectually-based I also hope to move away from staying in the intellectual world by giving more practical tips that can be life-changing. I hope to do less thinking about health and more living health this year.
While this list is far from complete it gives me some ideas as to what I could focus on this year and potentially blog about as this year!
My MAIN motive in pursuing health is for my incredible and precious Eden. As I welcome my beautiful daughter into the world I want to reevaluate my views on health and body image and beauty so that I can establish once and for all what I believe, how I will live, and what I will model for my daughter as I raised her in all of these really challenging painful and potentially destructive topics.
I am taking on this challenge and pursuit of health during the year of 2014! I am going to keep this theme of creating a new habit every month and this year each habit will be focused on health.
I will commit to posting at the beginning of each month and this initial post will share the brief description of my goal and new habit for the new month. I also hope to add random "mini-posts" throughout the month written specifically for Eden and any of you who would join me. These posts will document the learnings, revelations, and fruit of creating these healthy habits.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
I will be following a 12 step curriculum called Look Great, Feel Great written by Joyce Meyer. Her ministry has taught me countless life changing truths and her teaching is rock solid.
