pressing pause

I used to have to get everything done before I could sleep.  Until I checked each individual box off my to-do list for the day, I would not be able to rest.  If I tried I would just lie in bed and think about every task that was still lingering.  Part of this is my natural bent and personality while the other part is a result of unhealthy defense mechanisms I created throughout years of living with disordered eating.  Regardless, I liked living this way.  All of my ducks were in a row and it was neat and clean and simple.

Then I got a full time teaching job.

Then I got married.

Then I had a baby.

And now my way of living is not keeping up with the demands of my life.  And I am slowly allowing my mind to transition out of this neat and clean lifestyle into an authentic, real, wonderful life in which I can sleep whether "everything is done" or not.  And even though it is hard, I am convinced that it will produce fruit.

We just returned home from an amazing vacation in Portland, OR visiting family, and I can honestly say this is the first time in months that I have truly been able to unwind.  Even though I am in the very center of busy and exciting life changes including closing on a house in 2 weeks and very recently starting a new job, I am learning how to push pause.  I am learning how to leave my to-do list left incomplete as I embrace a messy and beautiful life.  

In Portland I truly let go.  I stopped carrying the details.  I stopped thinking about the fact that we are moving in two weeks and I literally only have one box of books packed.  I stopped worrying about the specifics of what I was going to say during my first 90 minute training session for the staff at my school in this new position.  I stopped brainstorming paint colors for our kitchen and let go of thinking about what we will do with Eden while moving and painting at our new place.

I pushed pause on all of the chaos and was able to truly enjoy a break from all of the noise.  Not because the demands were removed or the unending tasks were completed, but because I chose to refocus my thinking and intentionally pause to rest.

This skill of pressing pause is one I will have to continue to practice again and again and again as I train myself in habits of health.