my first nap

At the beginning of the week I asked Christer to take a picture of me anytime I napped.  After he laughed, he excitedly agreed.  He is by far my biggest advocate when it comes to sleeping more.  I had amazing intentions of napping every day and getting my 8 hours of sleep each night, backed with an encouraging and supportive husband.

Then Eden got her first fever on Tuesday, which sent all of my great intentions out the window.  First because it threw off her sleep and second because I, of course, freaked out.

The first issue is that I was out and about for half of the day before I even realized she had a fever.  She felt warm in the morning, but I had too many things to get done and therefore did not think much of it, going on with my plans to leave her in someone else's care for the morning while I worked.  When we finally returned home hours later, she was not acting like herself so I checked her temperature to see 102.3 and I panicked.  First fear.  Then guilt.

Once our doctor helped me adjust to the reality that this was not an emergency, babies get fevers, and we just needed to keep an eye on her and keep her cool, I relaxed a bit.  And once I saw that 102.3 drop into the 100's within a few hours, I calmed down into low grade fever mode, still concerned but no longer panicked.

In low grade fever mode, I saw an opportunity to snuggle with my daughter, enjoy her sweet cuddles, and rest myself.  Kind of perfect that this happened now, during sleep month.  So I cancelled all of our plans for the following days to be home so I could give her my full attention and care.

But sure enough, the next day I STILL managed to find stuff to do.  Even though I had cancelled multiple plans with the intention of relaxing with Eden and taking long luxurious naps, I somehow found myself on the way to the grocery store and then home frantically making freezer meals to stock up before my return to work and our upcoming move.  I had a pork shoulder roasting in the oven and soup on the stove all before lunch.

And after getting Eden down for a nap, simmering the soup and flipping the pork, I finally thought about what I had done.  I had been so frantic while shopping and cooking that it was almost an out of body experience; once I snapped back into reality, I shook my head wondering what is the deal here?  This is not only my month of sleep, but also my time to care for my sweet and feverish daughter.

This was the opposite of health. 

This desire for health is so much more than just physical.  It is holistic.  I want to learn how to rest and sleep because it physically benefits my body, but also because of the opportunity it presents to exercise self-control in choosing how to spend my time.

As a teacher, summer is my break, my gift after a long school year, and what kept me motivated to get up and leave Eden to go to work everyday for the four months I went back after maternity leave.  And here I was, with the perfect opportunity to rest and snuggle with her, which is ultimately how I want to spend every second of every day, and yet I was rushing around stressed unnecessary meal prep.  How stupid?

So I asked God for help.  Help me solve this problem.  And as I prayed and listened, I remembered John 10:10 which says, "The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy."

There is an unseen world and an enemy who wars for my soul.  And it became clear to me that this enemy set me up, distracting me with meaningless tasks to steal my precious time with Eden, to kill my joy, and to destroy the miracle of the present moment.

And worse yet, I had jumped right into this trap, thrilled at the thought of making meals even though I had a much more important place to focus my attention.  It was suddenly clear to me.  I cannot rest, not to mention sleep, because I am too busy and far too easily distracted by task.

This same time-wasting trap of busyness was also set for me years ago as I wasted so much of my adolescence staring at the mirror and starving myself, and here I was being distracted again by meaninglessness.

And upon this realization I wept.

I turned off the burners (safety first) and then ran into Eden's room, grabbing her out of her crib just to hold her.  I felt her soft skin and kissed her smooth cheeks.  I just stared at her, meditating on the miracle of her life, fully engaging in the incredible moment and gift of motherhood.  And in that sacred moment, I made a vow to become more healthy in this area, to change my poor habits, to fight busyness with every intention, and to keep my focus on the most important things.    

I returned her to her crib and then surrendered to my exhaustion by collapsing on the couch to sleep.  And I officially took my first nap.

Christer was more than willing to photograph this monumental event.