From Darkness To Light

My story begins around middle school, when fad diets and friday night dances were motivating me to try to look good, fit in, and be asked to dance by one of those equally as awkward looking and geeky boys.  I developed early, and at fifth grade and 5’4” was a “bigger” girl, at least in my own mind.  I think I had hips and “curves” if you can call them that, but wanted that sleek, thin look that I saw on TV and in the People magazines I compulsively read.  I spent those middle school years on yo-yo diets, on one week and off the next, with no basic understanding of health but just the desire to eat vegetables and fruit only, and when that got old it was back to cookies and crap as my hormones and hunger was setting in, my hips were expanding, and my heart was latching onto this dream of having the “look,” whatever that means?  I wanted to not only look perfect, but holistically to be perfect.  Perfect body, perfect grades, perfect friendships, perfect environment, and beyond.  I wanted perfection in every area of my life and felt out of control when things were not perfect.  In hindsight I can see that this desire for perfection and ultimately control were the major driving forces that led me to this lifestyle of destruction.  

This continued throughout those middle school years, and climaxed in eighth grade when my low self-esteem, perfectionism, and poor body image reached an ultimate high, or low for that matter.  I had gotten my first B in school and I had been rejected yet again at another event and was of course best friends with the pretty girls.  

I had come to hate myself and my life.  

I did not find joy in anything, in fact I had forgotten how to enjoy life.  I didn’t laugh, I faked smiles, and was ready to end my life once and for all.  The tempting thoughts of suicide were ever present, and while I never would have taken my life I desperately wanted to and dreamed about such a sweet release into eternity with my Savior.  My relationship with Jesus was certainly not alive as noted by the lack of fruit in my life, but I knew who He was, I knew He loved me, and I knew He was good.  

I honestly do not remember how I got out of my suicidal state, maybe I blocked those months of my life out completely, but somehow I did and the move from middle school to high school was surprisingly fresh as life felt new and even somewhat exciting.  It was the fall of my freshman year, and I was absolutely floored and amazed to have been asked to the Homecoming dance by a JUNIOR!  It was my first boost of confidence and a very life-giving experience to have been “chosen” for such an occasion.  I immediately started looking for the perfect dress and landed on a beautiful royal blue, very fitted, long dress.  In hindsight I can see that the fit of this dress was the beginning of my innocent pursuit of weight loss.  

While fad dieting was nothing new for me, I had never been able to stick to a diet of any kind.  However, this desire to “look good in my new dress” was just enough of a motivator to kick start the beginning of my descent into the pit of disordered eating.  What always shocks me is how innocently this journey began.  I was a smart girl, and although somewhat brainwashed by the incessant images of unrealistically thin women in the media, I had a good head on my shoulders and excellent models of health at home and knew better than to become anorexic.  I did not decide one day that I was going to pursue this awful lifestyle, but rather slipped into it slowly and unaware until it will too late and I was in over my head.  I often refer to the slow process of a snowball effect, it started so small and was soon compounding out of control.  

It started with eating less at lunch, while my parents were not around.  That transitioned into skipping lunch all together.  Meanwhile I was slimming up just a bit and friends and family were noticing the changes in my body and complimenting me as some of those extra pounds I had put on during those awkward middle school years were shedding and I was turning out to be a decent looking young woman.  These comments and compliments were motivating, causing me to eat less and less.  The homecoming dance came and went, and instead of returning to my normal eating habits I rather enjoyed this new little hobby I had and continued skipping lunch, but also adding a smaller supper.  My stomach was shrinking and my motivation to lose more weight was growing.  It was easy to tell my parents I had a big lunch and was not very hungry while also telling my friends I was going to have a big meal at home that evening.  Lying and secrecy were the marks of the unhealthy lifestyle I was living and I can now see the threshold of when my innocent diet to lose a few pounds turned into an addiction which later turned into an obsessive monster.  

To spare the details, this snowball grew bigger and bigger each month.  By the time winter came I was getting to the point of looking unhealthy, but it was easy to hide in baggy winter clothes.  My pants were all falling off my slender sides and the basketball workouts were really wearing me out as I had little energy to run killers and practice drills when I had not eaten all day.  Around winter time I remember skipping lunch and dinner most days, completely withdrawing from all friendships at school and relationships at home to pursue this new obsession that had overtaken my mind.  I thought about food constantly, just never ate it.  More than losing weight, I loved the feeling of being in control.     

I also developed this black and white thinking about foods and only ate foods that felt safe to me, that I believed would not cause me to gain weight.  For example: Carrots- good.  Cookies- bad.  Celery- good.  Chips- bad.  Those are more obvious ones, but then somehow my mind separated every single food into these good and bad categories.  Good and safe foods for me were fruits and vegetables and cereal.  Those were the only foods I felt ok eating.  Everything was bad and harmful and destructive in my mind.  I remember after the new year I was at my lowest and eating the least that I ever had, I remember a two week span in which I think all I ate was carrots.  I don’t know that I was truly “anorexic” because most days I ate something, but I certainly was unhealthy in every way- physically, mentally, and spiritually.  

I even remember waking up in a sweat in the middle of the night after having a nightmare that I had eaten a bagel.  I became gripped with fear that I would gain the weight back and my obsession with weight and image grew stronger and stronger.  I remember the rational side of my brain, which was now only a teeny part of my decision making process, recognized how unhealthy I was, but I ignored reason and jumped fully into this addiction.  

In February of that Freshman year I remember that for lent I decided to fast from ALL unhealthy foods- fats and sugars and pop and really anything in my “bad” list.  Now I had an excuse as to why I was so picky with my eating.  I am ashamed to share that I misused a God given tool such as fasting, but I did and it worked as I kept losing more weight.  I think I plateued somewhere during this 40 day fast, and while my weight stayed the same it was certainly unhealthy.  I really did not have any more fat to lose.  I transitioned into eating three meals a day again, they were just extremely small.  I knew all of the tricks to make it look like I had eaten more than I had.  Taking very small portions, moving food around on my plate, taking teeny teeny bites, keeping food in my mouth and walking to the bathroom to spit it out.   On that note, I was never bulimic only because I couldn’t figure out how to make myself throw up.  I tried and tried, but can see the miracle it was that I physiologically could not do it. 

I also remember lying a lot.  Lying became second nature to me. 

When basketball season ended, I implemented working out into my daily lifestyle.  I played volleyball and basketball and so this was the first time during my obsessive state that I was not consistently moving my body and decided to start exersicing at the YMCA.  I would go every day after school, and this only added to my unhealthy thinking and body.  I became obsessed with the numbers as I would work out on all of those different machines.  45 minutes here.  300 calories.  3 miles.  30 minutes.  Miles.  Calories.  Minutes.  I would stare at those numbers during my entire 90 minute workout and I was slowly slipping into madness.  My perfectionism increased as I could never work out long or hard enough to satisfy my hunger for this obsessive desire to lose more weight.  1 more mile.  10 more minutes.  100 more calories.  I pushed myself beyond my limits day after day after day.  

By now people were obviously noticing the negative effects, so I broke every relationship that I could and put up walls with every single person I could not shake, namely my family.  People would try to talk to me about my body and I refused.  I lied, I pretended to smile, I faked it, and I was good.  

Meanwhile I was a very successful student and involved in every club imaginable- planning events and making more surfacy connections at school as a twisted means of my secrecy.  While my social life was seeming to increase on the surface, it was secretly decreasing the more I withdrew and hid my true self from these “new friends.”  I knew a lot of people, but never let anyone truly know me or the pain I was in as I isolated myself from the world to remain locked in a prison of my own sin.  My relationship with Jesus was non-existent, never a part of my thinking or decision making.  I was stuck in a pit and this snowball that had started so small and innocently was crushing me from the inside out.  

All spring I continued this daily routine of eating three small meals and working out.  Finally summer came and I decided to get out of my house to get my parents off my back about my weight.  I spent a few weeks in Oregon and others in Minneapolis with family, never staying anywhere long enough for my loved ones to catch on to my unhealthy eating habits.  I again was extremely successful at faking my way into looking good and healthy while secretly continuing to destroy my body. 

Fall of my sophomore year brought a few months of the same behavior and then in early November FINALLY the breakthrough I needed.  It had been a little over a year since my Homecoming incident.  I will never forget the night my life changed forever, in every way.  

I was reading the Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and the first line read, “It is not about you.”  That was it.  That was all my spirit needed to hear in order to turn away from such a terribly selfish lifestyle.  As I write I recognize that it is only because of the grace of God that He spoke to me that night and reached down and pulled me out of this pit of sin.  Ephesians 2:8-10 comes to mind, "For it is by grace that you have been saved- through faith.  THis is not from yourself, it is the gift of God- not by works, so no one can boast.  For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  

I look back and see that God has good plans for my life and I was so off the path towards these plans.  "He reached down from heaven and rescued me.  He drew me out of deep waters.  He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me.  They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me.  He led me to a place of safety.  He rescued me because he delights in me. " Psalm 18:16-19.  

This was the first time I had ever heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, and in a very gentle but firm voice I heard and felt and saw the reality of how selfish I was.  My conviction and desire to change came from a revelation as to how selfish my lifestyle had become.  It did not start with a desire to get healthy, it started with a gentle invitation and desire to stop thinking about just me because the self-absorption it takes to maintain an eating disorder is sickening.  

I remember weeping, for the first time in years because the depression, suicidal thoughts, and eating disorder had blocked my emotions and caused me to put a chain on any feeling I had.  But I wept, and it was the first sign of light after years of living in darkness.  And that was the night I gave my life to Jesus Christ.  I had hit rock bottom.  I had nothing to live for but some stupid image I saw on TV, and I was finally ready to let it go, to give up my unattainable pursuit, and to let God be my everything.  

This was 13 years ago now, and I have been healing from these mistakes and choices ever since.  I believe this year is the final cherry on top of my healing experience.  

That same night, I went and confessed to my mom that I had a problem and wanted to get help.  The next day I saw a therapist, a nutritionist, and a dr.  These appointments continued.  I also started getting involved.  After such a strong conviction about my self obsession, I had to get outside of myself.  Within the first week I started coaching 4th and 5th grade basketball, leading a small group for jr. high girls, and volunteering at an after school program at my old elementary school.  I was so sick of myself and had to get my mind on helping other people.  This was a huge part of my healing. 

I ended up going to therapy for around 18 months, trying to reset my brain as to how I looked.  It was presented to me that I had a distorted body image as I was lacking a certain chemical in my brain due to the lack of nutrients I was giving myself.  So while others would see the body size 0 waist I had, I saw a chubby girl with fat sides and a big round chipmunk face.  I literally saw something different when I looked in the mirror, and my therapist and I spent months resetting my mind to the truth about the way I looked and then the truth about what was healthy for me.  

I also went to a regular doctor to check things out as I was obviously too thin.  I had not had a menstral cycle in over a year, which is always a sign that things are not healthy.  I was informed that my muscle and bone density was extremely low because I had no fat left on my body so when I would not eat or over-exercise my body started the process of eating away at the muscles and bones.  I am again thankful I stopped when I did because while it was very unhealthy I prevented things from getting any worse and thankfully was not at a point of needing hospitalization.  

Looking back my body had gone through the following weight changes during the progression of my eating disorder.  During the fall of my freshman year I weight around 125 and at my lowest point weighed around 100.  From what I can remember, in health class we were learned about BMI and took our body fat percentage and in the beginning of the fall it was 35% and by the end of the semester was down to 12%. 

While my body had been through a lot, my mind was in much worse condition.  

My nutritionist helped me set goals for a healthy weight and get there.  My mom, nutritionist, and I all decided that it was best for me not to see my weight, so she would also weigh me backwards so I could not see the numbers.  While this was 13 years ago I kept this routine until last year when I was getting weighed consistently during my pregnancy.  I always had a hunch my healthy weight was around 125.  

I saw this nutritionist for months and she helped me stick to my goals.  I had to break down this black and white thinking where I could understand again that all food is good, just in moderation.  This took years and years of hard work.  I remember during our first appointment she asked me what I enjoyed eating, and after much thought I answered “ice cream.”  I had to take off the filter of black and white thinking I had lived with for so long and really ask myself what I enjoyed again.  She challenged me to eat 1/2 cup of ice cream a day as a starting point and I did it.  It was so indescribably painful; I would weep every single time for those first weeks and months, but I did it.  Every appointment we added another food and this process was long and lengthy, but I took her challenges and did the hard work I needed to do to gain weight.  

I finally wanted to be well.  

During these initial weeks of transition from darkness to light, my relationship with Jesus was growing every single day.  Eating ice cream and talking about my feelings was painful and vulnerable and scary.  Because I had blocked out everyone in my life I felt very alone, but in that place I learned about the precious friendship that we have with Jesus and the intimacy that is available to us with the Holy Spirit.  

I was also given my first vision. 

I specially remember sitting in my room and praying one night in that first week of my recovery.  I was praying about my body as I grieved the loss of my dream “look.”  And while I was praying, I saw myself.  Healthy.  Free.  Smiling.  Beautiful.  To this day I will never forget that vision and how I looked.  I had a red hooded sweatshirt on and jeans that FIT.  I had a healthy, round face, and the most beautiful, curly red hair I had ever seen.  To preface I had never liked my red hair, but in this vision it was beautiful and it was CURLY.  I had also never had curly hair before.  

As I prayed through what this vision meant I remember praying, “Lord, that woman is beautiful but that is not me.”  And I remember hearing a response, not audibly but deep within my soul.  This voice said, “If you obey and gain the weight you need to gain and do what the doctors are asking you to do, this will be you.”  And I can testify that after ONE YEAR of obedience, one incredibly excruciatingly painful year of giving up everything I held dear, every dream and desire I had for my body, every comfort, every unhealthy thought pattern, that my hair started to curl.  

To this day my hair is a constant reminder of God’s faithfulness, grace, and mercy. 

While my battle and healing was not complete after that one year, it was significantly better and this snowball that used to be destructive was now forming around healthier habits and pursuits.  Jesus Christ became my everything and my desire to know Him and grow in Him replaced my obsession with my body.  

This has been an ongoing process of healing, and I honestly believe I am at the final stages as I pursue health once again this year.  God is my Restorer and my Healer.  He is my only Hope.  He is Enough.  And He is good.

A picture is worth a thousand words.  

These are some images I could find of me during my freshman year of high school, when my weight was dropping quickly.  

 

It was such an interesting experience looking through these old photos while home at my parents during Christmas because I can specifically remember the pain behind these fake smiles.  While it is painful to remember these trying years of growing up, it makes me so thankful for the JOY I have found in life through Jesus Christ. 

This video perfectly illustrates my story.  I weep every single time I watch it.  

2014: Health

As we walk into a new year of 2014 I have one word on my mind - health.  I commit to spending this year pursuing health.  Although this pursuit is somewhat cliché I hope to do it in a way that is different than I have attempted to in the past.  While exercise and diet are a part of this plan I do not plan on rushing to the gym January 1 and cutting all sugar out of my diet, but rather hope to change my lifestyle, tune my thinking and reevaluate my relationship with my health as I transition out of pregnancy and into life as a mom.  

As a former anorexic I approach this topic of health, body image, diet, exercise and weight loss with great gentleness.  While I celebrate my freedom from this trap I lived in during my teenage years, I recognize the value of focusing on creating healthy habits so I can have a healthy body after so many changes in the last year.  Yet I tred these waters with such care as to not slide down that slippery slope of obsession with my weight and appearance again.

I am so thankful for my freedom but acknowledge the struggle that gaining 50 pounds has been and recognize that it has surfaced the remains of any manifestation of this struggle in my life.  While I would say I am 95% free from these issues, I am ready for the full 100 percent, completely and holistically healthy.

After playing mental tug-of-war with myself for the last two months over these topics, I have come to conclude that there is a place where I can now make healthy choices that are life giving and honoring to God and also not obsessive or destructive.  I also recognize that over the past 13 years I have completely avoided such topics in fear that I would misuse and mistreat my body again.  I am finally mature enough to recognize the value of focusing on health and desire to be completely healthy and free from the issues of the past.

As I look back over the past 3 years, I can see how God has been bringing about healing in my life from the inside out.  First He restored my spirit and faith, then my soul (mind, emotions, will) and now I believe is the time for my body to be restored to health.  I will pull on solid resources and seek the healing of Jesus for my body as I learn about holistic health.

To read more about my history and the testimony of what God has done in my life read the following post or simply click here: From Darkness to Light.  This goes more in depth about the past, pain, choices, and ultimate freedom that God has given me from these issues!  The history of my issues with health will set a foundation as to how and why I am focusing on health this year.

I will now attempt to articulate my goal and plan to refine my body back to health!  Rather than trying to take control myself I want to pursue a healthy being in a way that honors and trusts in this God who is the author of health, who can do more than we could ever ask or imagine or think, and who is in complete control.

From the beginning of this pregnancy my husband and I believed this experience of creating life and these changes would restore my body to health.  While my goal is not to get my body back to the size it was before, it is to be healthy.

Things I did wrong 13 years ago in my pursuit of "health:" 

Over-prioritize - Chaos - Obsession - Black and white thinking - Lack of self control - Snowball - Secrecy - Lack of variety - Impatience - Immaturity - Too rigid 

Things I will do differently as I pursue health again: 

Support and accountability- I cannot describe the benefits of having others in my life rooting for me, standing with me, praying and encouraging me in this pursuit and I have been sharing this new plan with others and asking for their support.  

Expose my thoughts- Even throughout my pregnancy I have kept some of my thoughts about these topics secret because I am embarrassed that 13 years later I am still thinking about and struggling with some of the same things, but through this blog will expose the thoughts in my mind as I also take them captive and redirect negative thoughts into positive ones.  

Variety- Doing that same diet and exercise routine drove me insane, and I commit to mixing things up this time to keep it fresh for my body and mind.  

Enjoy- I will SET my mind before I develop a new healthy habit that I will enjoy this pursuit of health.  

Patience- I will be patient with the process of restoration and shut down the expectation that my body or mind will change quickly.  All change that lasts takes time.  For starters, I am setting this whole year aside to pursue health. 

Flexible- I will not adhere SO strictly to my goals and habits as my black and white thinking was a major factor in my former destructive habits.  For example, if I commit to exercise three times a week and only make it twice one week, I will give myself the grace to accept that and move on.   

Balance- Along the same lines, I will balance my desire for health rather than allowing it to consume my thinking.  I do have a beautiful newborn baby and an incredible husband whom I hope consume most of my mental and physical energy and love and focus.  I will commit to health but allow it to remain on the back burner of my priorities during this year as I enjoy my family and friends.  

Motives- Rather than wanting to be healthy because I hate who I am, this time I want to be healthy because I love who I am, I value myself, I value my body, and I value what I can give to the world when I am most healthy.
Think less, live more- While I hope my thoughts are intellectually-based I also hope to move away from staying in the intellectual world by giving more practical tips that can be life-changing.  I hope to do less thinking about health and more living health this year.  

While this list is far from complete it gives me some ideas as to what I could focus on this year and potentially blog about as this year!

My MAIN motive in pursuing health is for my incredible and precious Eden.  As I welcome my beautiful daughter into the world I want to reevaluate my views on health and body image and beauty so that I can establish once and for all what I believe, how I will live, and what I will model for my daughter as I raised her in all of these really challenging painful and potentially destructive topics.  

I am taking on this challenge and pursuit of health during the year of 2014!  I am going to keep this theme of creating a new habit every month and this year each habit will be focused on health.

I will commit to posting at the beginning of each month and this initial post will share the brief description of my goal and new habit for the new month.  I also hope to add random "mini-posts" throughout the month written specifically for Eden and any of you who would join me.  These posts will document the learnings, revelations, and fruit of creating these healthy habits.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, you were bought with a price.  Therefore honor God with your body."

I will be following a 12 step curriculum called Look Great, Feel Great written by Joyce Meyer.  Her ministry has taught me countless life changing truths and her teaching is rock solid. 

Join me on this adventure!

December: Adjust

I'll never forget the marriage advice we received in our pre-marriage counseling which I would be bold enough to suggest is not only applicable for newlyweds but also for new parents and really for anyone crossing the threshold into the newness of adulthood: the success of your marriage (or family or life) is based on your ability to adjust because the only thing constant in life is change.

In hindsight, after 3 years of ongoing changes, some excitingly wonderful while others excruciatingly painful, I find such power in the awareness of the warning and reality of this truth because without the expectation of change and ability to adjust, it can sneak up on us and potentially create extreme disappointment and emotional destruction.  My husband and I have navigated significant changes in the realm of housing, jobs, reputation, careers, trust, schedule, support, and churches just to name a few.  Being a former control, stability, and schedule freak, I have had to learn how adjust, practice it often, and allow God to use every change in my life to train me in this lifelong lesson of adjusting.  While I have not mastered this skill by any means, I look back and see how much progress I have made and celebrate what God has done!  And it all began with the simple warning that change is inevitable and the desire to adjust.

So here I am again in another incredibly life changing experience as I walk into a parenting!  While I had nine months to prepare for this new life and the changes she brings into our lifestyle, and while these changes are incredibly wonderful and life-giving, these changes also have brought loss.  It is important to acknowledge that all change comes with it some form of loss.  While I don't have enough time to list the countless gains Eden is bringing to my life, there are also some significant losses that require naming, grief, and releasing as I adjust.

Showering when I want and for however long I want 

Sitting down and eating an uninterrupted meal
Spontaneous outings with friends or family
Wearing anything I would like without having to think about the potential of needing to practically undress at a moment's notice to feed 

Fully engaging in a conversation

Starting a task and finishing it 

Control of my time and schedule 

Sitting through a whole church service 

Quiet car rides 

Sleeping for more than three hours at a time

A budget without the "childcare" column 

Quickly running into the store to return something or grab one quick item

While I am sure most of these seem insignificant, these tiny changes are forcing me to adjust to a new life of having one ear listening to a friend and the other listening for me baby's breathing and one eye on the task at hand and the other on my precious baby girl.  And in order to navigate these changes and the many more we are living at the moment, I have been guided by a practical tip and a spiritual truth.

Practical tip for navigating change: create and honor guidelines

As I adjust to the many changes I mentioned in November's post, I recognize the need to adjust and shift gears in my lifestyle.  I often have to have a meeting with myself, a time activating metacognition by thinking about the changes in my life and making decisions to adjust when things feel unnatural and new.  

Even though there are so many areas in life in which I am adjusting, I decided to start somewhere by focusing on creating some guidelines for the changes of my daily schedule.  I do not want to waste my 14 week maternity leave struggling with the adjustment of pace and unsure as to how to spend my time, but would prefer to enjoy every second I have with my little munchkin while also using this schedule change as an opportunity to grow and allow God to bring about changes in my personality.  A common theme that has woven its way in and out of each post this year is my desire to slow down and enjoy my life and I want this life change to help in this process.

While my love-hate relationship with my personality has been an ongoing tug of war as I have wrestled with the reality that my greatest strengths are very much my greatest weaknesses, I have decided to accept myself, enjoy my gifts, continue to let God develop and mature my strengths and develop the character in me I need to operate in those gifts. I am learning that sometimes our gifts can take us places where our character cannot keep us. In light of embracing myself just as I am, a work in process, I have come to appreciate my ability to create and follow guidelines and have identified this skill as a major means of adjusting.   

Schedule guidelines (I am only writing them out for the blog, to clarify.  They were just in my head and are in the other capacities in life in which I am adjusting)

1. Wake up time - don't get out of bed until 8:00

2. Shower and get ready every day ASAP- during Eden's first morning nap 

3. Eating routines- enjoy meals and eat slowly 

4. One outing or visitor a day- great time to reconnect and visit people 

5. Home by 2:00- two o'clock teaching and relaxing time

6. Slow down and enjoy every moment with Eden

7. ENJOY (not accomplish) any of these if Eden is sleeping: yoga, read, bathe, nap, write

These guidelines are full of major life changes for me as I had previously been spending my time up at 5:00, to work by 6:30, insane business with little time to even use the bathroom all day meeting the needs of 25 first graders, and then home around 4:30 to recover and do it all over the next day.  Life at home with Eden has a much slower pace, and while I love that the changes felt very abrupt.  I am taking this new pace one day at a time and attempting to slow down.  The only way to adhere to such guidelines and shift gears is to activate the powerful fruit of the Holy Spirit, particularly self-control.

For example, when I wake up at 6:03 and am tempted to jump out of bed and start my "to do" list for the day as I have been for the last 5 years of teaching, I take a deep breath, lie back down on the bed, hold or look at my precious daughter and enjoy every little miraculous feature.  And I pray for her, kiss her face, smell her delicious newborn scent, and bask in the miracle and wonder of this teeny little girl with whose life I have been entrusted.  I stay in that place of prayer, rest, and wonder until 8:00 each and every morning, and such a simple practice and discipline has been a wonderful way for me to start my days with Eden and enjoy her.  Each of these guidelines has brought about incredible means of adjusting to this new and temporary season along with maximizing the short amount of time I have with my newborn baby.  

I hope to continue learning and growing in developing this habit as adjusting truly is and will be a life long journey; as soon as Eden can crawl and eventually walk that will create tons of need for new adjustments along with potty training, school, adding more children... this is only the beginning!

Powerful truth for navigating change: Hebrews 13:8

Hebrews 8:13 holds a powerful anchor for my soul as I adjust to the variety of changes life brings my way.  "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever."  In the middle of life's changes, I stand firm on a Rock that is always the same, always loving, always faithful, and always constant.  When everything else feels new and different and exciting and scary and wonderful and vulnerable, I turn to Jesus who never changes.

Eden weeks 5-8

Habit #12: Adjust 

November: A Deeper Level

This month has been a bit of a fog.  When reflecting on this month, the only thing that has been constant or stable has been change.  There is not really one thing I can think of in my life that is the same as it was on October 31, 2013.

My body has gone through so many changes I cannot even begin to describe.  I gained over 50 pounds during this pregnancy and within the first 7 days of my postpartum life had already lost over 30.  It seems silly to even talk about weight like that, because there is so much change in such a short amount of time.  I was recently told that within the first 6 weeks after having a baby, a woman's body goes through the same amount of change as someone with a terminal illness.  Everything in my body has and still is changing.

My lifestyle has changed drastically as the way I spend my time is 100% different than it has ever been.  I left the house 3 times for 3 dr. appointments in the first 14 days of my daughter's life.  This has been the only time in my life that I have not worked in some form, and I must admit that I am loving it.  I love spending each and every moment snuggling Eden and cannot get enough of her.  I also have not slept more than 2 hours in almost an entire month.  That in itself is a huge change with side effects.

My mind has changed as my priorities are drastically different than they were before.  The things I think about and talk about are much different.  For example, we write down and thoroughly discuss how many times our daughter has pooped, what color it is and what it looks like.

My relationships have changed.  We have been absolutely blessed to have so much love and support, and we have seen so many loved ones this month and it has been amazing, except that I find myself keeping on eye on Eden and the other on the particular friend or family member I am talking to.  I keep one ear open to Eden's cry while trying to listen and focus and be a good friend and give advice.  It is hard to focus on anything or anyone but her during this initial transition into parenthood, and while it may sound endearing it is a little irritating even to me.

My emotions are of course on a hormonal roller coaster and things that used to be a big deal to me now seem silly in the perspective of raising a child.  There have been countless stories I have heard this month that through the lens of a parent broke my heart in a different way.  That is probably the biggest change- my heart.  It feels liquid, as it has been absolutely melted by my incredible baby girl.  I remember driving home from the hospital and just having this overwhelming desire to hold and protect her from everything and everyone.  I can't stand the thought of her going through anything challenging or experiencing rejection or pain.  I love her so much it hurts.

I remember the life changing experience of falling in love with my husband.  It was the only other time in my life that I felt liquid, like everything in my world was changing and nothing mattered except how I felt about him.  The experience of loving someone so much was surprisingly painful as I felt so vulnerable to the world and that if anything ever happened to him I would crumble.  This month has been another form of that exact same experience.  I am absolutely in love with my daughter, and as amazing as it is, there is also a sense of vulnerability and fear which has been frustrating as it has made me feel as if I have digressed in the progress I have made in recent years as the lessons I have learned are now being tested yet again in another capacity.

That is another change.

I had been consistently growing and learning and being open and letting God work in my life, and it feels as if that has been paused this month as other things have come in and taken priority over my spiritual growth.

When thinking about what habit I wanted to focus on this month, I feel overwhelmed, like I need to start back at the beginning and do them all again.  Trust.  Pray.  Confess.  Slow Down.  Relax.  In the past 12 years, specifically the past 2 years, I have come so far in trusting God, first with myself and then with Chris during his time in jail.  And here I am practically climbing into my daughter's bassinet to make sure she is breathing.  It seems as if I do not trust my heavenly Father at all, and while that is not true it also seems like it is in the way I am acting and feeling with Eden.  I am finding myself battling so much fear which I believe was created by my love for her.  However, I recall to mind the truth in 1 John 4:18 that says, "There is no fear in love.  Perfect love casts out fear." What does that even mean?  Does that even apply to my love for my daughter?

I have no clarity worth writing about this month.  No life changing revelations or even consistent thoughts as I am a bit overtired, and anytime I am not too tired and actually have a moment to sit down to think or write I will begin and then suddenly Eden will need to eat or need to be changed or something else will come up and by the time I come back to the computer there is nothing clear or congruent worth writing about.

In my lack of clarity, I guess my goal this month, and what I was tested in, was my ability to go with the flow.  To start something and not finish it.  To go through intense changes in every area of my life and stay sane.  To keep my head above water.  To walk through change without clinging to "the way things were" and to walk through this season and let God be in control, relinquishing that position as controller of my life.

What I hope is to take this fluid, liquid state I am in and allow God to use it to bring about the healthy changes that need to take place in my life.  I can't view it like I have gone backwards and now need to learn the same lessons about trusting and praying again, but rather that I am going deeper in those areas and that I will have victory in deeper ways because of this deep deep love I have for my daughter.

It is as if my heart has been ripped to a deeper level, and in that level I am determined to learn to trust, to pray, to confess, to relax, to enjoy, and to be fully His.  It all begins by going with the flow and allowing this change to manifest itself in my life and in my spirit.  I am asking God to make something new now that I am living and loving on a deeper level as a mother.

Eden weeks 1-4

Habit #11: Go with the flow

Our Birth Story

Since pregnancy I have heard countless birth stories.  Expecting moms going into labor early and late, at home and at work, babies being born in the car and tub, medicated and non medicated labors, labors lasting 36 hours and some only 36 minutes.  From the beginning of our pregnancy I have been most curious about our story.  Here is the story of how Eden Jane Vavra entered this world.

Our due date was Halloween, and from the beginning we had been praying that she would not be born on this day.  Now only 4% of babies are born on their due date, so our chances were pretty good that she would come on a different day.  Not only were we hoping to avoid a Halloween baby for her birthday's sake, but we also had an insurance glitch.  Chris's new job provided an opportunity for him to carry his own health insurance!  His new job has unofficially been in the works since early May, and officially since he was accepted into his electrician apprenticeship and began attending school in September.  The way the timing worked out, he was eligible to receive benefits NOVEMBER 1!  If Eden would have been born in October, we would have been charged my max out of pocket through my health insurance plan, which is around $2,700.  Overall, that is great coverage for labor and delivery and we are thankful for my health insurance.  However, if Eden were to be born in November, we had been told that the labor and delivery would be 100% covered because I would have my primary health insurance plan cover the majority of the costs, then this new secondary health insurance plan would take care of the rest.  While we do not quite yet understand all of the details, we started praying for a November baby.

Now towards the last month of my pregnancy I started getting VERY uncomfortable, so November 1st became the date we were praying and asking for as the earliest possible moment considering the health insurance situation!  There is also the added fact that Chris and I got engaged on November 1st, 2009 and we thought it would be fun to add another milestone to that special date.  So for months we and many prayer warriors had been praying that Eden would come into the world on November 1st, and as the days of October ticked we were more and more relieved.  By the time our due date rolled around, a little smile crept across our face.  We had made it to November!

We had scheduled our standard weekly appointment on our due date, simply to check in and see how things were going.  The appointment I had a week earlier was SO quick that I assumed this one would be the same way.  We had carpooled to work that morning and had some errands to run after the appointment and were planning on going out to eat to celebrate having made it to November!  When arriving at the dr. I always have to leave a urine sample, get a weight check, and then blood pressure.  After having completed all of these tasks we walked into the little waiting room, and when our midwife walked in we had huge smiles on our faces.  She knew about our health insurance situation and we smiled big, saying, "We made it!"  I knew that because I was not in labor at 4:00 on October 31st that we were in the clear.  There is no way I was going to have this baby today.

Our midwife had an unsettled look on her face and almost in a whisper said, "Almost.  You almost made it.  We found protein in your urine and your blood pressure is unusually high, which means you are trending towards preeclamspia.  The only solution to preeclamspsia is to get the baby out.  I am sorry, you need to be induced today."

Induced?  One thing I forgot to mention in the introduction to our birth story is that we had some specific desires for this birth, the main one being that it be unmedicated.  While I would never ever think twice about anyone else's choice to use medication during labor, for some reason I had the desire to do it naturally.  I am convinced that God designed my body perfectly to have this baby and was so hoping to deliver Eden without the assistance of any medication.  Upon hearing that I would be induced, I thought of our birth plan which had one specific request in bold: AVOID PITOCIN AT ALL COSTS.  Because pitocin is the drug used to induce, that changed EVERYTHING.

I adjusted surprisingly well to the new plan because my body was more than ready.  I had been feeling particularly uncomfortable in the recent weeks and was done working, done teaching first grade, done waddling around, done changing shoes 5 times a day to avoid the discomfort that came from the swelling, done not sleeping, done done done.  Half of my was relieved and ready to go, while the other half was completely shocked and partially terrified.

I seemed to adjust better than Chris, who immediately freaked out.  He was asking all of these questions about money and finances and insurance and payments and finally I had to be very stern with him, reminding him that God is not surprised by the sudden turn of events, that He will meet all of our needs, that I would be having a baby in the next 12-24 hours, and that I desperately needed his stability and support.

Our midwife checked me to find out I was dilated 2 cm, which we all agreed is better than nothing.  She escorted us immediately to the hospital where we were admitted to a room and told to get comfortable.  They initially took my blood to do some blood work while we settled in.  Because it's me, I of course threw the hospital bags into the back of the car that morning "just in case," but never in my wildest dreams thought we would USE them so I had forgotten the 2 most important things- the ipods and camera.  We called Erik, Chris's brother, to bring us those items and slowly started updating people that we would be having a baby soon.  Employers, moms, and our closest friends were informed first.

We spent the next 4 hours transitioning physically through settling into our room and mentally through trying to wrap our minds around the reality that we would soon become parents.  We grieved our dreams of going into labor naturally, feeling those initial mild contractions, going for a long walk, laboring at home with our Doula Kate, driving to the hospital when I was 4-1-1 (contractions 4 minutes apart, lasting one minute long for one hour), and having our birth story photographed by our friend Melissa.  And we both adjusted well, realizing that this was God's story for our little Eden.

The dr. then suggested I take another drug called magnesium sulfate because the trend of preclampsia brought with it the risk of having a seizure during labor.  I was told this mag sulfate would make me feel extremely ill, like a horrible case of the flu.  While I adjusted just fine to the reality that I would be induced with pitocin, this suggestion brought me to tears instantly.  The thought of having the flu was just about the worst possible concept imaginable at that moment, while I was already adjusting to the new plan and preparing my mind and body for labor I just could not reconcile having flu like symptoms on top of everything else my body would be enduring in the upcoming hours.  So we stalled for a good hour or two, trying to decide what to do with this mag sulfate decision.  We asked for results from the blood work and were happy to discover that my blood work and liver looked good, which gave us the bold confidence to deny the mag sulfate, risking the seizure at the odds that it would not take place.  While the dr. was slightly offended and did not agree with our decision, she respected it and moved forward without the drug.

Each step we took was covered in a huge trusting prayer and hope that God was in control.

Around 7:30 PM I was given an IV and pitocin was officially running through my body.  I was also checked again and confirmed to be dilated 3 cm.  That was good news- progression.  It was the strangest experience, to just sit there and wait to be in an incredible amount of pain in a short time.  I took a bath, walked around, and waited.  I felt completely normal initially, and took this opportunity to rest and eat and pray and prepare myself for what I could only imagine was to come.  We were informed that this could take awhile, so we settled in and rested while we could.  We sent Kate, our doula, home as we assumed it would be awhile before anything started happening.  After an hour of waiting to feel something, they increased the dose of pitocin and also decided to break my water.  This did not feel good.

Within two minutes, I felt EVERYTHING.  I felt as if I had been thrown into the middle of active labor, feeling every contraction at full force.  Within 15 minutes I could have sworn I was in transition (the point in labor when your body moves from first stage labor to second stage, in which every single woman in the world wants to give up).  The interesting thing about the next 4 hours is that it actually went quickly.  While it was the worst pain imaginable and kept telling Chris I was literally going to die, time flew by.  So I labored from 8:30-12:30, in the worst imaginable pain of my life.  My contractions were on top of each other, meaning almost every 2-3 minutes I was having another contraction.  I vomited twice, spent much time laboring on the toilet, and simply could not get comfortable.  I remember thinking about my latest life changing revelation about choice: I can either choose to keep breathing and live or I WILL DIE.  I could have never felt "prepared" for the pain.  And what is interesting is that I went into the labor experience not having any fear during my pregnancy, not assuming it would not be painful, but trusting that I would have the grace I would need in the moments I would need it.  Even though it was to awful for words, it was true.  I was ok.  And I lived.

I have no idea what time is was when I initially requested the epidural.  If I started feeling pain at 8:30 I bet by 9:00 I wanted DRUGS- anything to relieve the pain.  Chris and I had gotten up at 4 that morning to get to work early, I had not eaten lunch for literally the first time in my pregnancy because we were planning to go out and celebrate after our appointment, and in the chaos of the change of plans I had not eaten supper either.  I had a few snacks, but certainly no appetite which meant I was completely and utterly weak and exhausted.  I had heard what the body goes through during labor paralleled to running a marathon and was ill prepared to "run a marathon" with little energy or stamina.  During each contraction I dreamt of laying down and sleeping.  So I started requesting an epidural at 9:00, and I even remember telling Chris that I literally thought I was in transition because after only 30 minutes I was ready to give up.

I was much more negative in labor than I would have thought or hoped.  I knew what to do to do to make the contractions more manageable- breath, relax my body, and not engage in the pain.  I had studied and practiced for months, but nothing could have prepared me for what I felt.  During some contractions I would even attempt to start dealing with it this way, through calmly breathing through it, but then would start SCREAMING halfway through, "I can't do it.  I can't stay in that place."  To endure intense labor demanded such mental strength which due to the long day and surprising pain I was unable to handle.  So from about 9:00-11:30 I labored and debated getting an epidural.  I told myself I would try to make it one more hour, and see if I had dilated at all.  Due to what I was feeling, I FELT like I should be 7 or 8 cm dilated by this point.  There was certainly something going on in my body.  When the nurse checked me around 12:30 and I was still only 3 cm, that was it.  I requested the epidural, grieved my dreams of a natural labor, and greatly anticipated relief in any form, assuming it would be coming in the next minutes.

The nurse informed me that the epidural was ordered and would be here in 20 minutes.  20 minutes?  I had gotten to the point that each second I survived was miraculous, and enduring 20 more minutes of this pain sounded like 20 more years at that moment.  Somehow I survived, laboring as I had for the past 4 hours, and finally the nurse started directing me to sit on the edge of the bed to receive the epidural, so I knew it was close and honestly could not wait to have that huge needle shoved in my back.  

However, as I was moving to the edge of the bed I had a relentless urge to go to the bathroom (#2).  Now from what I had learned about labor, I knew this meant that the baby was in a position to start pushing.  But in the midst of all of the chaos I just shouted, "I have to poop."  My nurse, also knowing this sensation, looked at me and asked if I thought I needed to start pushing, to which I answered yes.  She checked my cervix again and I will NEVER forget the look on her face when she informed me that I was dilated 8 cm!!  I had progressed 5 cm in the previous 20 minutes of waiting for the epidural to arrive.  So we canceled the epidural and I immediately starting positioning myself to push.

In hindsight, we credit these 5 cm in 20 minutes to first and foremost God!  It was an absolute miracle and gift to have such progress in such a short amount of time.  We also credit the experience to having surrendered.  One of the biggest words we studied in desiring to have a natural labor is surrender.  To let go and trust the body.  I realized that making this decision to get an epidural, for me, was a form of surrender.  It was letting go of my plans, letting my body relax and loosen, and going with the unknowns.  I finally stopped trying to control this labor.  As soon as I had officially decided to get the epidural, my body relaxed in a new way which created a way for my body to function in how God designed it which allowed my cervix to dilate 5 cm in 20 minutes!  

I started pushing at 1:00 (it was officially November 1st now!)  Pushing was another experience that I cannot describe the pain.  I remember that my legs were most tired.  I literally used every single muscle in my entire body to push that girl out.  I recall looking over at Chris at one point and he was on the phone, which was extremely offensive to me at the moment until I realized he was calling Kate and updating her.  If I remember his exact conversation with her- the update was brief.  "Come back; Justie is pushing" was all he had time to say.  I pushed from 1:00 until 2:15 when she finally came out and do not need to relive any of those details!  I had a team of support including my incredible husband, our doula Kate who arrived just in time to meet Eden, our wonderful nurse, and the dr.  

At that initial moment of Eden's entrance to the world, I will confess that my only focus was my body and complete and utter relief.  I remember just letting my body relax, and nothing had felt better in years.  While we wanted Chris to cut the cord after it stopped pulsating, that desire was thrown out the window when it was double wrapped around Eden's neck and she was not breathing on her own.  They cut it immediately and brought her to the other side of the room to get her to breathe.  I remember just sitting there and waiting to hear the cry.  After 2 minutes, I finally heard my daughter's voice.  During this time I was already getting stitched up, which did not feel good.  I thought I would be holding my daughter and breastfeeding for the first time, but I had not even got to see her yet and was already in the next step of pain.  Fortunately the stitching didn't take long as I was informed that I had a second degree tear.  Kate assured me it would heal quickly.

They eventually let me hold Eden for 3-5 minutes, then took her away to check her out for a couple of hours.  Chris got to go with her and Kate stayed with me.  I remember my body shaking out of control for the next 30-40 minutes.  Once I was up for it, I was able to ride in a wheelchair to the nursery and hold her and start breastfeeding.  She latched immediately and ate for a good 30 minutes.

I thought I would have this incredible moment of connection with my daughter, where I would be weeping just looking at her for the first time.  To be honest, I did not have that in those initial hours.  I was absolutely amazed to see her and in love instantly, but not in the way I thought it would "feel."  I was so incredible drained that my first response was relief for my own body.  I also credit this lack of emotional moment to the unique circumstances that I was not able to bond with her immediately like I would have loved to.  While I did get to hold her for 5 minutes and it was amazing, it was not enough time or the right kind of time for that overwhelming emotional sensation to take place.  Those emotional moments came in the following days.  I remember the following night I was holding her skin to skin for hours, and I finally had that moment.  Just looking at her face and weeping.  And I still have those moments, 3 weeks later.  I am absolutely in love and so vulnerable to the world as a piece of my heart is now breathing and moving and walking around outside of me.  I guess I was just surprised that this love did not look or feel the way I thought it would as I imagined giving birth.  I had to work through some initial guilt of not feeling this incredible overwhelming sensation of love and emotion, but after having done that I reconcile my experience with the reality that my love and connection to Eden is not bad or wrong, just different than I had initially expected. And I really do love her more every single day.   

Around 4:30 or 5:00 they moved us to our postpartum room and we got to rest.  I ordered food, took a bath, and relaxed.  I also finally got to spend some quality time holding my little peanut.  We were so blessed because dear friend from college was our postpartum nurse, as we had prayed she would be!  We had just spent Wednesday night with her and her family, and talked about how we were bound to run into her as she worked the ENTIRE weekend and then every other day the following week.  She was our nurse from 7:00 AM- 7:00 PM Friday, Saturday, and she saw us off Sunday when we left the hospital around 1:30 or 2:00 in the afternoon.  It was the most wonderful experience and we were in good hands with Hannah!

Eden is loved by so many people, and they were swarming to come visit and meet her.  Our first guests arrived around 11:00 and kept coming for the majority of the day.  We had a great stay and plan to deliver at Maple Grove Hospital again.  My body was in much more pain than I would have thought for those first days and even week.  Fortunately my mom stayed with us for the first 9 days at home, which was the most wonderful thing.  I did not move at all, only to take my two baths a day.  My main job was feeding Eden and holding her and snuggling with her all day long.  It was wonderful.

In reflecting on our birth story, although not much of the labor went as planned, it was good.  Even though it is not a perfect story, it is our story that we will cherish.  The overall goal from the beginning is to have a healthy baby and a healthy mom, which is exactly how the story of Eden's birth ends.  She is absolutely gorgeous and we are overwhelmed that God has given us such an incredible gift. 

The name Eden means delight, and we chose this name for her because when finding out we were pregnant we were overwhelmed, kind of like the feeling when someone gives you a gift that you don't deserve and you feel guilty, like you need to pay that person back somehow.  We kind of felt that way initially, and God assured us that this was a gift, that we didn't deserve it, and that the only way to "pay Him back" was to delight in her and in the absolute gift of grace that she is.  

We will spend the rest of our lives as parents delighting in her as a thank you to our Father, who has given us more than we could have ever asked for or imagined or thought in our little Eden Jane.  We are blessed.  

October: Embracing the Mundane

The calling for this month was clear from the beginning: SLOW DOWN. Do not rush through the seemingly mundane moments of life. With the recent revelations about relaxing and rest, it is no surprise that slowing down would follow. 

This calling to slow down was brought to mind through the reminder of a simple and life changing vision I had a few years ago when I started teaching. It was the end of the first school year I had taught and I was sitting in my classroom looking out at my students and saying goodbye on the last day of school. I realized I didn't know them. I had just spent 8 hours a day with them for 9 months, more than their parents on school days, and I did not know them. I had never really listened to them, never really looked into their eyes to know what they needed and how I as their teacher could meet their needs in the time we had together.

This revelation then turned into a horrible nightmare when a flash forward to my child's wedding day came and I had this same experience: looking at my daughter in her wedding dress, ready to give her away, and realizing that I had missed the moments of her life. That sure, I was around every day and was a mom to her and met her physical needs and clothed her and fed her and disciplined her and went to her activities and events, but I had never slowed down enough to really know her, to really listen, to really meet her holistic needs, and to really enjoy her. And this revelation devastated me and sent me into a desperate desire to change.

To slow down and lighten up and enjoy life as it flies by.

As I try to articulate my desire, it is almost like I want to stand in a raging rushing river and open my body and widen my stance and position myself to slow down that raging current. My life has been busy this past year, and I do not see that busyness or the needs or demands for my attention or energy slowing down any time soon, but rather quickening as I will soon bear a life that will depend on my husband and me. Rather than trying to swim with the current and speed up my life, as I have been doing, I want to stand in the middle of the busyness and the needs and just be. Just take a deep breath and look around and enjoy every moment of this journey.

The well-known slogan, the days are long but the years are short, has been shared with me at least five times by five different moms this month and it is something I want to remember and post in our home in hopes of creating an urgency to embrace the moment and truly invest in our daughter's life at each developmental stage. To hold my newborn and look at her and study her wrinkly toes and teeny nose and to soak up every moment of motherhood as it will be gone in the blink of an eye.

One of my dear mentors recently said, "It lasts 15 second. The newborn and baby stage is gone in 15 seconds." I do not want to get distracted as I so easily can by the details of grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and keeping everything in its place. I want to enjoy each moment and release a level of control I have tried to place on my life by recognizing that we are here for such a short time and enjoying and delighting in my daughter.

As much as I want to do this as a mother, if I start this month I realize that I am not a mother yet. My opportunity during this month of October was to do this with my husband. To enjoy the last times we had together as just the two of us. To look at him and listen when he told me about his day and to slow down and calm my spinning mind as to what things we still need to buy and what clothes I still need to wash and what items we still need to get into the hospital bag. Ecclesiastes 3:1 speaks of how life is seasonal, always changing. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." I want to enjoy each season life offers rather than wishing certain parts of certain seasons away. The parallels to our four seasons here in the Midwest create a perfect opportunity to practice this habit. Rather than complaining because summer is too hot and winter brings too much snow and fall is too short and spring is too muddy, to find something about each season to enjoy and to truly give thanks for the good each has to bring. I want to do this in my life as well. To look at my life through the lens of the gifts and the goodness of each season and to truly enjoy.

My husband and I watched the movie Clickthis month which gives a perfect picture of how we can go into autopilot to rush through the parts of life we find mundane. I hate watching this movie because it is watching the nightmare of my daughter on her wedding day unfold. It is the perfect picture of rushing through life and swimming with the current to speed up the parts we dread and missing the moments. But I sucked it up and watched it for the sake of this idea, to remember to embrace the mundane moments in life. And I wept. I don't mean got teary eyed or even cried a little, I mean I WEPT the entire movie and for two hours after and cried myself to sleep and woke up looking like I had been hit by a bus because my face was so puffy from sobbing. The message of the movie, to slow down and embrace every gift life has to offer, hit something so incredibly close to home as I enter this season of parenting.

I want to slow down. I want to enter that place of rest that God has promised in which I can enjoy the life He has given me at each stage. I did not want to wish away this month just hoping our daughter would come or go into autopilot until I am more comfortable or my body is not so swollen or my back is not in pain, but I dared to enjoy each moment of waiting as well as each miraculous breath we took.

I was fortunate enough to hear Priscilla Shier speak recently and will end with this thought she shared which adds to my desire to embrace the mundane. She was speaking at a women's conference with some 20,000 women and was sharing how honored she was to be there and what an incredible ministry opportunity it was for her. Through watching her and listening to her my desire to become an author and speaker was growing and I was amazed at her opportunity to speak to so many women, praying that someday God would give me the gift of such a ministry. But then, as my mind was wandering, one word she said stuck out to me which caused me to snap back into active listening as I was scrambling to understand, assuming I had misheard. She said she viewed this form of ministry (public speaking and writing) as her secondary ministry. I was instantly intrigued to wonder what her PRIMARY form of ministry was, how was she able to reach more than 20,000 people in one swoop?

She went on to say that her first ministry is to her husband and how the goal of her life is that at the end of his life when he stands before Christ, that Jesus will say to him, "Well done good and faithful servant." She was focusing on the reality that she, as his wife, could partner with him to help him become all that God desires him to be and help support him in doing all that God has called him to do. And this is her primary form of ministry. She also then talked about how her position as a mom presents the exact same opportunity, to help her children be all that God has created them to be.

I love this. My primary form of ministry is ALWAYS to my family, regardless of what other ministry opportunities God sends my way. My deepest desire is to create a space and be a support for my family to be all that God has created them to be. And many of these ministry opportunities will come in the form of seemingly meaningless, mundane moments at home together that would be so tempting to fly through with a focus on the details of our environment rather than the endless amount of life giving relational opportunities and teachable moments. Daily meals around the dinner table. Conversations in bed before falling asleep. Afternoon walks outside. Stressful Sunday mornings trying to get everyone ready for church and out the door looking halfway presentable. I have to make an intentional choice to enter into the ministry opportunity before me day and night.

I want to slow down. I want to enjoy every moment of my life. I want to embrace the mundane.

Habit #10: Slow Down