last pursuit of fruit post

I will keep my last post on this particular blog simple and profound as I think about sleep this month.

Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Please check out my new blog @ bearmuchfruit.com 

pressing pause

I used to have to get everything done before I could sleep.  Until I checked each individual box off my to-do list for the day, I would not be able to rest.  If I tried I would just lie in bed and think about every task that was still lingering.  Part of this is my natural bent and personality while the other part is a result of unhealthy defense mechanisms I created throughout years of living with disordered eating.  Regardless, I liked living this way.  All of my ducks were in a row and it was neat and clean and simple.

Then I got a full time teaching job.

Then I got married.

Then I had a baby.

And now my way of living is not keeping up with the demands of my life.  And I am slowly allowing my mind to transition out of this neat and clean lifestyle into an authentic, real, wonderful life in which I can sleep whether "everything is done" or not.  And even though it is hard, I am convinced that it will produce fruit.

We just returned home from an amazing vacation in Portland, OR visiting family, and I can honestly say this is the first time in months that I have truly been able to unwind.  Even though I am in the very center of busy and exciting life changes including closing on a house in 2 weeks and very recently starting a new job, I am learning how to push pause.  I am learning how to leave my to-do list left incomplete as I embrace a messy and beautiful life.  

In Portland I truly let go.  I stopped carrying the details.  I stopped thinking about the fact that we are moving in two weeks and I literally only have one box of books packed.  I stopped worrying about the specifics of what I was going to say during my first 90 minute training session for the staff at my school in this new position.  I stopped brainstorming paint colors for our kitchen and let go of thinking about what we will do with Eden while moving and painting at our new place.

I pushed pause on all of the chaos and was able to truly enjoy a break from all of the noise.  Not because the demands were removed or the unending tasks were completed, but because I chose to refocus my thinking and intentionally pause to rest.

This skill of pressing pause is one I will have to continue to practice again and again and again as I train myself in habits of health.

 

sleep is productive

I hate wasting time.  Time is precious and I just cringe at the thought of time lost to meaningless pursuits. 

I used to view sleep as a waste of time, until I had a baby.  

And then the sleep of this precious little girl took over my entire life.

At nine months old, she has slept through the night once.  Even though she is totally worth every ounce of exhaustion, it is an understatement to say that I am tired.  It has been through this life-changing, amazing, and exhausting experience of parenting that I have really started learning about the negative effects that come with lack of sleep.  

In my own body, I've noticed many headaches, little energy, increased hunger, stinging eyes, impatience, and holistic exhaustion when I have not gotten enough sleep.  I tend to get very overwhelmed when I am overtired, and small problems with simple solutions can become paralyzing.

Beyond my own observations, this infograph efficiently depicts what sleep does for our body, therefore making it quite productive.  

 

Infographic by Alissa Scheller for Huffington Post 

When I get adequate sleep, I am also more productive during my awake time.  What might take me an hour at the end of a long day running on little sleep could only take twenty minutes with a well rested body and clear mind.

Next time I have 45 minutes all to myself, I'm going to spend it the most productive way possible- sleeping!

my first nap

At the beginning of the week I asked Christer to take a picture of me anytime I napped.  After he laughed, he excitedly agreed.  He is by far my biggest advocate when it comes to sleeping more.  I had amazing intentions of napping every day and getting my 8 hours of sleep each night, backed with an encouraging and supportive husband.

Then Eden got her first fever on Tuesday, which sent all of my great intentions out the window.  First because it threw off her sleep and second because I, of course, freaked out.

The first issue is that I was out and about for half of the day before I even realized she had a fever.  She felt warm in the morning, but I had too many things to get done and therefore did not think much of it, going on with my plans to leave her in someone else's care for the morning while I worked.  When we finally returned home hours later, she was not acting like herself so I checked her temperature to see 102.3 and I panicked.  First fear.  Then guilt.

Once our doctor helped me adjust to the reality that this was not an emergency, babies get fevers, and we just needed to keep an eye on her and keep her cool, I relaxed a bit.  And once I saw that 102.3 drop into the 100's within a few hours, I calmed down into low grade fever mode, still concerned but no longer panicked.

In low grade fever mode, I saw an opportunity to snuggle with my daughter, enjoy her sweet cuddles, and rest myself.  Kind of perfect that this happened now, during sleep month.  So I cancelled all of our plans for the following days to be home so I could give her my full attention and care.

But sure enough, the next day I STILL managed to find stuff to do.  Even though I had cancelled multiple plans with the intention of relaxing with Eden and taking long luxurious naps, I somehow found myself on the way to the grocery store and then home frantically making freezer meals to stock up before my return to work and our upcoming move.  I had a pork shoulder roasting in the oven and soup on the stove all before lunch.

And after getting Eden down for a nap, simmering the soup and flipping the pork, I finally thought about what I had done.  I had been so frantic while shopping and cooking that it was almost an out of body experience; once I snapped back into reality, I shook my head wondering what is the deal here?  This is not only my month of sleep, but also my time to care for my sweet and feverish daughter.

This was the opposite of health. 

This desire for health is so much more than just physical.  It is holistic.  I want to learn how to rest and sleep because it physically benefits my body, but also because of the opportunity it presents to exercise self-control in choosing how to spend my time.

As a teacher, summer is my break, my gift after a long school year, and what kept me motivated to get up and leave Eden to go to work everyday for the four months I went back after maternity leave.  And here I was, with the perfect opportunity to rest and snuggle with her, which is ultimately how I want to spend every second of every day, and yet I was rushing around stressed unnecessary meal prep.  How stupid?

So I asked God for help.  Help me solve this problem.  And as I prayed and listened, I remembered John 10:10 which says, "The thief comes to steal and kill and destroy."

There is an unseen world and an enemy who wars for my soul.  And it became clear to me that this enemy set me up, distracting me with meaningless tasks to steal my precious time with Eden, to kill my joy, and to destroy the miracle of the present moment.

And worse yet, I had jumped right into this trap, thrilled at the thought of making meals even though I had a much more important place to focus my attention.  It was suddenly clear to me.  I cannot rest, not to mention sleep, because I am too busy and far too easily distracted by task.

This same time-wasting trap of busyness was also set for me years ago as I wasted so much of my adolescence staring at the mirror and starving myself, and here I was being distracted again by meaninglessness.

And upon this realization I wept.

I turned off the burners (safety first) and then ran into Eden's room, grabbing her out of her crib just to hold her.  I felt her soft skin and kissed her smooth cheeks.  I just stared at her, meditating on the miracle of her life, fully engaging in the incredible moment and gift of motherhood.  And in that sacred moment, I made a vow to become more healthy in this area, to change my poor habits, to fight busyness with every intention, and to keep my focus on the most important things.    

I returned her to her crib and then surrendered to my exhaustion by collapsing on the couch to sleep.  And I officially took my first nap.

Christer was more than willing to photograph this monumental event.

August: Sleep

Remember that confession I wrote at the beginning of the year that I have been confessing each day during this pursuit of health?  Through consistently asking God for help according to His word, I have recently felt convicted about one particular phrase: "Help me not to labor in vain." The combination of that confession along with Psalm 127:2 inspired this habit for August.

Psalm 127: 2 says, "It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat, for God gives rest to His loved ones.

You see I like to do stuff.  I like to be busy.  And I have a lot to do.  New part time job to prepare for.  New house to work on.  Old house to pack.  Baby to care for.  House to keep.  Mouths to feed.  Clothes to clean.  Blog post to write.  New blog to design.  Book to edit.

And I recently realized that I am addicted to "doing."  This week I have been going to bed past 11:00 PM and getting up by 5:00 AM, all the while still often getting up in the middle of the night with my sweet Eden.  I am a dangerous combination of a morning person AND a busy body means I get up early to begin my tasks and stay up as late as I need to finish everything for the day.  One day this week by 5:15 AM I had chicken cooking in the oven, rice cooking on the stove, beans soaking, baby food steaming, and clothes washing and diapers drying.  I have been guilty of burning the candle at both ends which results in a lack of sleep which results in a lack of health.

What is shocking is that I do not have much to show for all of my labor during this past week.  I do not really know what I have been doing all day.  Thinking.  Planning.  Making calendars.  Pinning cool paint colors.  Daydreaming about blog designs.  Making a list of what to pack and when.  Training myself for work.  Making schedules and trying to figure out how I am going to make it through this incredibly exciting but also detailed transition.

Most of my labor has in vain and has not produced much fruit.  As Psalm 127:2 says it is useless.  And this month I am determined to curb that busy-bee in me so I can sleep all in the name of health.

Habit: I want to place a higher value on sleep through studying its importance along with experiencing first hand the benefits of sufficient sleep.

Challenge: Sleep at least 8 hours a night.
This is kind of hard with our poor sleeper Eden who still tends to be up once or twice a night, but to the extent that I can control my sleep my general goal would be 9:30-5:30.  Despite her poor night sleep, she does go to bed at 7:00 and sleep amazing during the day and I can supplement this 8 hours with naps.  I am the WORST at naps because the busy bee in me cannot shut down my brain.  But I want to be healthy and I want to learn a new habit.  Pray for me this month! 

unlimited eating

I have STILL been recovering from the aftermath of a week of uncontrollable snacking.  Even though my protein shake has consistently kept me satisfied all morning, this tendency to snack has consistently snuck out with the lunch hour.

Over the past few days I decided to take my goal of focusing on adding something good to my eating habits, rather than restricting bad, to a new level with an experiment: unlimited eating of life-giving foods.  

I was intentional to choose foods that were life-giving as I was focusing on the feeling after eating along with the continual habit of making eating sacred.  I basically avoided sugar, dairy, and processed foods.  I have to say I felt amazing.  I ate a lot of nuts, fruit, beans, rice, chicken, and veggies.  A lot.

I gave myself freedom to spend money on a seemingly endless amount of these foods and freedom to eat as much as I desired whenever I was hungry.

The first day alone I ate a protein shake, 3 bowls of venison chili with brown rice, black beans, half of a watermelon, and 1/2 bag of cashews.

Looking back on the week, I have to say it really did curb my snacky mindset.  When snacking was no longer restricted, it was easier to focus on other things, trusting that whenever I would be hungry I would be free to eat as much as my body needed to stay satisfied.  

I am still developing a healthy trust relationship with my body and food.  Because I restricted my eating for so long, my body struggled to trust myself for sufficient nourishment.  And I am still breaking down the rules of bad and good foods along with restricting or indulging mindset.

I constantly redirect my focus back to Eden as I want to model health for my daughter and give her the freedom to create her own healthy eating habits as she becomes more independent.  These two little teeth have allowed us to continue introducing new foods and we are thankful that she enjoys the experience of exploring new flavors and textures.

I pray for health to permeate the atmosphere of our home every time we open our mouths to eat.

aftermath

I did a horrible job eating intentionally two weeks ago and have week been in the aftermath, recovering.

I was out of town on vacation with family with a lot of work to do, no internet to do it, lots of yummy snacks- the kinds I never buy- AND no shakes because I shared a protein shake on day 3 of my 10 days away sold the entire canister on the spot.

Even though I had an absolute BLAST hanging out with these guys

there were times in which I felt overwhelmed about the amount of work I could have done, stuck as I needed internet to do the majority of it, and overstimulated with exciting new updates that have transpired and now began in the recent weeks: 

New and perfect part-time job.
New house with move-in date.
New blog with new look, name, and URL (coming soon).
New book (also coming somewhat soon, maybe.)

More to come on the new updates. 

Because all of my snacking triggers were hit, I snacked a lot.  Chemical-loaded, sugary, buttery, fried, fatty, unsatisfying snacks.  All day every day for 10 days.

I am just as ashamed as I am amazed that I literally did such a horrible job honoring the healthy habit I set for myself.  Regardless, it happened and now I have to make a choice to move on and try again.

After all of this snacking, there is one thing I noticed.  Chemically processed foods have a horrible aftertaste.  I was way more in tune with my body than I have been in the past, and even though there were times when my mind was out of control, grabbing for endless amounts of chips and salsa, I was still kind of listening for my body's response.  And it wasn't good.

I realized that only the first few bites taste good.  Literally after 3 bites of a chocolate chip cookie the delicious and life-changing taste basically disappears.  Now most of the week this did not stop me from finishing the cookie and potentially even grabbing another, but I did notice that it stopped tasting good.  And within minutes of finishing the cookie, this really weird chemical taste lingered in my mouth for hours.

Just try it.  Eat a cookie or bowl of ice cream of brownie or something with the good stuff (and by good stuff I mean the bad stuff), and then tune into how you feel.  I noticed feeling bloated, uncomfortable, lethargic, with a lingering headache.  As a result I was unmotivated and lacking in energy.  Noting this feeling is motivating to avoid these binging sessions as there is no fruit.  I feel yucky and it even tastes yucky.  I want to make a habit of considering the aftermath as I open my mouth to eat.  

So as I sit in the aftermath of an unhealthy week, reflecting on the aftermath of these choices, I call to mind that apart from God I can do nothing.  (John 15:5)  And so I continue to ask God for help as I press on in the pursuit of health.

Lord please restore my health this year.  I can't do it without you.  I release the control of my body to you.  I recognize that it is not by will nor might that I will see health.  Give me patience as I wait for you to act and help me not to labor in vain.